Dear Virginia,
For the past few summers, we've gone on holiday with the same friends and their three children. But my son, who's eight, has confided in me that the other children tease and bully him. Our friends have just written, suggesting several destinations for next year, but I don't want to go if my son's unhappy. My husband says that he's got to get over it, since the rest of us have a good time. What do you think? Yours sincerely, Katya
Has your husband got any idea at all of how absolutely horrible, frightening and miserable it is, being teased and bullied by another child when you're about eight years old? The bully in question is probably used to a rumbustious teasing and knockabout life, having been brought up in a gang of three. Or perhaps the boy feels excluded by the other two and takes out his own feelings of inferiority on other vulnerable children.
But your son, Katya, is an only child, and he's not been brought up to know how to deal with this kind of behaviour. It's one thing to get on with groups at school but quite another to get on with other families of children, who can often behave in a frighteningly exclusive way, every bit as alarming as a sink estate gang.
Your husband clearly thinks that a bit of rough and tumble won't do your son any harm and will help make him more of a man. But you can't learn rough and tumble on a short holiday. You actually have to be brought up from day one in a group to know how to operate. (As an only child, I'm still, ancient as I am, panic-stricken in large family gatherings of other people.) And your husband appears not only not to consider your son's feelings, but yours as well. Now you know the problem, you won't enjoy this holiday, but will spend it in trepidation, panicking if the kids are ever left on their own to play, worrying that your boy is going to get picked on behind your back. You won't have a nice time at all.
Your son has been brave enough to pluck up courage to confide in you how he feels. He looks to you, his parents, to protect him from a fortnight filled with dread and sleeplessness. Of course, no doubt there are moments when he can muck in, but moments, too, when he's just putting on a brave face and moments of genuine fear and panic.
This is meant to be a holiday, for heaven's sake, a time when everyone has a great time. It's a time for your son when he can flourish, safe in the knowledge that he's in the company of two people who love him most in the world, not some kind of ghastly training ground for hardship while his father "has a good time".
If there seems to be no other option, without a major row, insist that your son this year brings a friend. Then they can play separately from the other children. But I'd tell the other parents that this year you're having a change. You can lie and say you're going away to stay with your sister or something, and when the time comes – too late to join the other family – you can say she got ill. I wouldn't mention the bullying because children, unless they are really actively cruel, in which case you should obviously mention it, do often grow out of these phases, and if you said anything to the other parents it would probably break up your friendship and wouldn't in the end, actually get any of you anywhere.
If your husband wants to go on holiday with this insensitive bunch, then he's welcome. But you and your son must go somewhere safe and happy where you can both enjoy yourselves properly.
Readers say...
Your husband's an idiot
You often hear of children committing suicide because of persistent bullying of which their parents are unaware. Your son has shown great courage in telling you about this and you shouldn't let him down. Either refuse the holiday with some plausible excuse – impending job change, lack of funds, whatever – or get your husband to have a quiet word with the bully and warn him off. Just a threat to tell his/her parents should be enough. Oh, and tell your husband from me, he's an idiot.
Pete Barrett, By email
Try going it alone
Katya has such a short time with her child before he grows up and gains his independence. Surely skipping one holiday with these friends is not too much to ask? After all, her child may find out that spending a holiday alone with two parents is not as much fun as going on holiday with the other family, and ask for a shared holiday the year after. Another thing to bear in mind is that there will come a day when Katya's son is a teenager; he may let her know, without any tact or subtlety, that he prefers the company of his friends to that of his parents. When that day comes, she will wish that she had spent more time alone with him when he was young.
ML Routley, London NW3
Why did no one notice?
Your child's mental wellbeing is paramount. If not stopped, bullying can have long-lasting and serious consequences. Your husband is apparently oblivious to your son's distress, because he is leaving you to fight this on your own, and implicitly forcing you to choose between your son's happiness and that of the group. What is puzzling is why none of the adults have spotted this. Has nobody been paying attention? You could suggest that you all gather the children together for a serious talk, explaining what is going on, and how the current situation is affecting you and your child. If these people value your friendship, then they should listen. Gain verbal/written assurances that the offender will be disciplined and punished. Afterwards, make the bully apologise to your son in front of everyone. If they refuse to discuss it, then tell them and your husband that you and your son will not be going on holiday with them, and you wish to have nothing more to do with them.
Edward McAlonan, By email
Leave him behind
Will you be able to enjoy your holidays, knowing that your child is miserable? Perhaps if you go ahead and book this holiday, you could leave your son with his grandparents so that he doesn't have to endure the company of children who bully him.
Galina Varese, Witney, Oxon
Teach him to fight back
Whatever you do, don't dismiss your son's problem. He has plucked up the courage to tell you he's being bullied in the hope and expectation that you will help. He needs strategies to deal with the teasing and bullying. One that may help is to tell him that he can say in a loud, confident voice to the bully: "Don't do/say that! I don't like it!" I have found, in the school situation, that if you allow the victim to speak directly, the bully will automatically apologise.
Margaret Allen, Colne, Lancashire
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