Health: `Look, mate, whether or not I'm a walking Oedipus complex is no concern of yours'

"Morning doctor"

"Morning Mr Braithwaite. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to be psychoanalysed please"

"Mphphph"

"Are you all right doctor?"

"I'm sorry. It's the central heating. So you want to be psychoanalysed?

"Yes."

"Well, I'm sure that can be arranged."

"By you."

"Ah."

"Now."

"No"

"Why not?"

"Well, for a start I don't have a Viennese accent. Or a beard. Or a couch."

"Frankly I'm offended by your pejorative Hollywood stereotype."

"And also, I've only got six minutes per patient."

"Well you could make a start."

"Right... well... um...."

"You don't know how to do it, do you?"

"Haven't the foggiest. How do you feel about that?"

"Oh, you're getting the hang of it now."

"No, I wasn't trying to..."

"You must be a natural then..."

"Look, the thing is, I don't feel I can psychoanalyse you because a) I haven't been trained to do it and b) I think it's bollocks."

"Oh dear. So you don't want to search for hidden meanings in my dreams and childhood memories?"

"Nope."

"And you don't want to peel off the onion-skin layers of my unconscious repression?" "Definitely not."

"And you don't want me to transfer on to you?"

"You stay that side of the desk or I'll call security."

"It seems to me you're quite closed and hostile." "What are you doing?"

"Since childhood, you've suffered a tremendous repressed jealousy of your father's sexual access to your mother..."

"Look, mate, whether or not I'm a walking Oedipus complex is no concern of yours."

"So you're familiar with Freud then?"

"Only enough to know he vas no scientist. Most of his theories were pseudo- scientific rubbish. His experiments were on a handful of patients with no controls and he proved bog all. And there's no evidence that his psychoanalysis has any value in the treatment of psychological disturbance."

"What about Bertha Pappenheim?"

"What about her?"

"She was Freud's most famous patient. He psychoanalysed her, she had a cathartic reaction to her father's death and her hysterical symptoms disappeared."

"She didn't have hysteria, she had tubercular meningitis. Her symptoms returned soon after seeing Freud and she died shortly afterwards."

"I didn't know that."

"Freud did. But he carried on blathering on about unconscious impulses and their subtle expressions."

"Your stethoscope is a penis."

"Absolutely. Now if ...

"But you haven't offered me any advice"

"Stop ferreting around in the past, forget yesterday's emotions and concentrate on today's thoughts."

"Carry on. I like that."

"Learn to challenge and stamp out your automatic negative thoughts by seeing how unrealistic and irrational your predicament is."

"More, more... "

"This simple realisation will enable you to change your emotional state. Every thought you have effects your mood. So the more positive thoughts, the better you feel."

"Brilliant. What's it called?"

"Cognitive behavioural therapy. It's truly a therapy for the nineties... "

"Can I have some of that then?" "Not yet. I haven't finished Dr Raj's book. Try me in a week's time."

"What do I do till then?' "Um ... just hang loose."

"Like a goose?"

"Like a positive thinking goose, with no repressed emotions."

"That sounds great."

"Doesn't it just."

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: 1st Line IT Engineer

    £18000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £13676.46 - £16411.61 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Co...

    Day In a Page

    Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

    How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

    Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
    Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

    'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

    In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
    Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

    The Arab Spring reversed

    Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
    King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

    Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

    Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
    Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

    Who is Oliver Bonas?

    It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
    Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

    Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

    However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
    60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

    60 years of Scalextric

    Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
    Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

    Why are we addicted to theme parks?

    Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
    Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

    Iran is opening up again to tourists

    After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
    10 best PS4 games

    10 best PS4 games

    Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
    Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

    Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

    Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
    Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

    ‘Can we really just turn away?’

    Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

    ... and not just because of Isis vandalism
    Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

    Girl on a Plane

    An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent