Health: `Look, mate, whether or not I'm a walking Oedipus complex is no concern of yours'

"Morning doctor"

"Morning Mr Braithwaite. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to be psychoanalysed please"


"Are you all right doctor?"

"I'm sorry. It's the central heating. So you want to be psychoanalysed?


"Well, I'm sure that can be arranged."

"By you."




"Why not?"

"Well, for a start I don't have a Viennese accent. Or a beard. Or a couch."

"Frankly I'm offended by your pejorative Hollywood stereotype."

"And also, I've only got six minutes per patient."

"Well you could make a start."

"Right... well... um...."

"You don't know how to do it, do you?"

"Haven't the foggiest. How do you feel about that?"

"Oh, you're getting the hang of it now."

"No, I wasn't trying to..."

"You must be a natural then..."

"Look, the thing is, I don't feel I can psychoanalyse you because a) I haven't been trained to do it and b) I think it's bollocks."

"Oh dear. So you don't want to search for hidden meanings in my dreams and childhood memories?"


"And you don't want to peel off the onion-skin layers of my unconscious repression?" "Definitely not."

"And you don't want me to transfer on to you?"

"You stay that side of the desk or I'll call security."

"It seems to me you're quite closed and hostile." "What are you doing?"

"Since childhood, you've suffered a tremendous repressed jealousy of your father's sexual access to your mother..."

"Look, mate, whether or not I'm a walking Oedipus complex is no concern of yours."

"So you're familiar with Freud then?"

"Only enough to know he vas no scientist. Most of his theories were pseudo- scientific rubbish. His experiments were on a handful of patients with no controls and he proved bog all. And there's no evidence that his psychoanalysis has any value in the treatment of psychological disturbance."

"What about Bertha Pappenheim?"

"What about her?"

"She was Freud's most famous patient. He psychoanalysed her, she had a cathartic reaction to her father's death and her hysterical symptoms disappeared."

"She didn't have hysteria, she had tubercular meningitis. Her symptoms returned soon after seeing Freud and she died shortly afterwards."

"I didn't know that."

"Freud did. But he carried on blathering on about unconscious impulses and their subtle expressions."

"Your stethoscope is a penis."

"Absolutely. Now if ...

"But you haven't offered me any advice"

"Stop ferreting around in the past, forget yesterday's emotions and concentrate on today's thoughts."

"Carry on. I like that."

"Learn to challenge and stamp out your automatic negative thoughts by seeing how unrealistic and irrational your predicament is."

"More, more... "

"This simple realisation will enable you to change your emotional state. Every thought you have effects your mood. So the more positive thoughts, the better you feel."

"Brilliant. What's it called?"

"Cognitive behavioural therapy. It's truly a therapy for the nineties... "

"Can I have some of that then?" "Not yet. I haven't finished Dr Raj's book. Try me in a week's time."

"What do I do till then?' "Um ... just hang loose."

"Like a goose?"

"Like a positive thinking goose, with no repressed emotions."

"That sounds great."

"Doesn't it just."

Arts and Entertainment
Lou Reed distorted the truth about his upbringing, and since his death in 2013, biographers and memoirists have added to the myths
musicThe truth about Lou Reed's upbringing beyond the biographers' and memoirists' myths
Ed Miliband received a warm welcome in Chester
election 2015
Life and Style
Apple CEO Tim Cook announces the Apple Watch during an Apple special even
fashionIs the Apple Watch for you? Well, it depends if you want it for the fitness tech, or for the style
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Project Implementation Executive

    £18000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

    Recruitment Genius: Chiropractic Assistant

    £16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...

    Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive - Midlands

    £18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

    Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

    £28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...

    Day In a Page

    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
    Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

    UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

    Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
    John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

    ‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

    Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
    Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

    Let the propaganda wars begin - again

    'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

    Japan's incredible long-distance runners

    Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
    Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

    Tom Drury: The quiet American

    His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
    Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

    Beige to the future

    Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

    Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

    More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
    Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

    Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

    The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own