After five rings and 30 seconds of Vivaldi, a woman answers

Whiskas: Hello, Whiskas Kitten Care Line, can I help you?

IoS: Do you have a kitten nutritionalist?

W: Yes, hold on. I'll put you through. Can I have your name first?

IoS: Why do you want my name?

W: We have to log the call, sir.

IoS: No, I'm sorry I don't want to give it to you ... [more Vivaldi]

W: Hello, can I help?

IoS: Is that a nutritionalist? My mum's kitten keeps being sick when she eats Whiskas. What should we do?

W: How do you mean being sick?

IoS: Well, you know, throwing up, vomiting. It's after every can of Whiskas.

W: I don't think it's the food, all our products are carefully tested. Is she feeding it anything else?

IoS: No, I don't think so.

W: The best thing to do would be to change the diet. We produce a Feline- Selected Protein - you can get it from your vet. It's chicken and rice- based.

IoS: I think it might be the brand that's the problem. Can you recommend another?

W: Well, there are others but from a company point of view I can't endorse anyone else's product.

IoS: But I thought this was a general information line. It sounds like it's just for Whiskas products?

W: You're asking for my advice and I recommend the Feline-Selected Protein. Could I have your name please?

IoS: So you can't tell me any other cat foods I could try?

W: You're asking for my advice and I recommend our Feline-Selected Protein. Can I have your name please?

IoS: No, I don't want to give you my name. I'm not a very public person.

W: It's not very public to give me your name is it?


Coca-Cola: Hello, can I help you?

IoS: Hi, I'm a bit worried because I had three cans of Diet Coke yesterday and felt really dizzy. Is there a maximum number of cans I can drink in a day?

CC: Just let me find the information. I don't think it will be the drink sir. It's probably something else in your diet. Here we are ... "a 10-and- a-half stone person can drink ... the equivalent of 18 cans a day", so you're way out with your three.

IoS: 18 cans a day! Really?

W: Yes. You've got to have a steady intake of liquid into your body each day, so why not use Coke and enjoy yourself while you're at it.

IoS: Do you think it could be the caffeine because too much of that is not good for you is it?

CC: No, sir, there's nothing in any of our products that could do you any harm.

IoS: Well, my doctor said it could be the Coke because it's really bad for you.

CC: No, sir, it's not bad for you. We wouldn't sell anything that could hurt people. As long as you brush your teeth at night it won't even hurt them.

IoS: Does it stay in the can for months on end, I thought that might make it go off.

CC: No. Each can has a shelf-life of six months.

IoS: Should I start drinking Pepsi instead? Might that suit me better?

CC: [long pause] I can't ... It's your ... You're the consumer, sir and I can't advise you what to buy. It's up to you.

IoS: But is it true that Pepsi's better for you than Coke?

CC: [pause] As I said, you're the consumer, sir. I can't advise you what to buy. It's your choice.

IoS: You wouldn't tell me to buy another make, like Pepsi?

CC: No, it's up to you, sir.