How did Darth Vader ever expect to stay on top of things if he kept killing his own commanders?

There's a rumour that George Lucas is going to make another three Star Wars films, set before the events in the first three Star Wars films. So we'll get to meet Luke Skywalker when he was a boy, we'll see how Yoda looked when he was only 124, and Obi Wan Kenobi when he was played by a different actor.

This is good news to folks of my generation, a worryingly high percentage of whom still have all the relevant action figures and toys. The director of the film Clerks was once asked if Star Wars was this generation's Vietnam. "Well," he said, "we certainly can't seem to get over it."

Not having seen the first three films in a while, I can't call myself an expert, but I do know bad business sense when I see it and I honestly think that this is what brought down the empire in the end. Nothing more, nothing less.

I mean, how did Darth Vader ever expect to stay on top of things if he kept killing all his own commanders? In The Empire Strikes Back he gets through about 10 of them. Every time there's a bit of bad news, another guy in a brown Nazi cap puts his hand on his throat, makes a "kkk-kech- hhkkk" noise and falls over.

No modern business could survive this kind of impulsive downsizing. With one commander going every couple of minutes, there's no time to train potential replacements. This is why, as the series progresses, the commanders get more and more stupid so that by Return of the Jedi, they're a disgrace to their uniform.

They all look so surprised when it happens, too. Aren't they aware of Darth's snappy temper? If your boss started killing people with his psychic powers, you can be sure the news would have spread around the office by at least the end of the week. But the Empire's recruits have the memories of goldfish. Every time someone gets it in the neck you can see them thinking "What - what's happening? I seem to be choking! Wait a second, do I remember another person choking recently? Yes, Commander Reichart started choking when he told Darth that other bit of bad news. I wonder if his choking and my choking are somehow related? Kkk-kkk-euch-hhkkk."

It's never really their fault, anyway. The rebels always come up with a brilliant plan (like attacking the Death Star with the equivalent of a few World War I biplanes), so you can't really pin the blame on the commanders. If someone came into Vader's office, or whatever it is, and said "Mr Vader? Remember when you told me to jettison the garbage? Well, when I was doing it, I didn't check the airlock, where F-brigade must have been training, and they all shot out into space. It's all right, though! I managed to close the outer door pretty quickly, though we only lost about ... let's see ... about 1,200 men, give or take 700." Then I think there would be very real grounds for dismissal. But if Luke Skywalker destroys the Death Star by using magic as he does in the first film, then maybe a little flexibility is in order.

The next time you hear a bit of bad news, Darth, count to 10. If that doesn't work, try thinking of something nice for a moment or two, like a pony or a beautiful lady's face. Or walk away from the person and jump up and down in your cloak for a while, shouting and shaking your fists. If that doesn't work, think of all the things you have to be happy about - you have some nice black clothes and a scary helmet, and you rule the galaxy. If all else fails, maybe some deep breathing exercises could - oh, wait, forget that one.

Really, it is a problem. I think in the Star Wars trilogy you kill more members of your own army than the rebels. This is one sure way to lose a war, killing all your own troops before the enemy has a go.

Remember, a happy Empire is a successful Empire. When it's a commander's birthday, send him some flowers. He may be too proud to thank you, but the next time you look in his eyes to order troops into Vector 9, you'll see real gratitude there. And from time to time, a little compliment wouldn't hurt. Let the words "nice job" and "well done" be as close to your lips as, "you have disappointed me, commander" and, "if we lose Solo I will hold you personally to blame." Come onnnnn! Cheer up! Is that a little smile I see? You know it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown. Come on, let them all know that the whole "evil" thing is at least partly hype. Then maybe - kkk-kkk-euch-kkk.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Dublin

    £13676.46 - £16411.61 per annum + OTE: SThree: SThree Trainee Recruitment Cons...

    Ashdown Group: Marketing or Business Graduate Opportunity - Norwich - £22,000

    £18000 - £22000 per annum + training: Ashdown Group: Business and Marketing Gr...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £20000 - £25000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Are you great at building rela...

    Ashdown Group: Database Analyst - Birmingham - £22,000 plus benefits

    £20000 - £22000 per annum + excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Application Sup...

    Day In a Page

    Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

    Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

    Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

    Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
    China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

    China's influence on fashion

    At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
    Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

    The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

    Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
    Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

    Rainbow shades

    It's all bright on the night
    'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

    Bread from heaven

    Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
    Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

    How 'the Axe' helped Labour

    UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
    Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

    The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

    A revolution now 'consuming its own children'
    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    Welcome to the world of Megagames

    300 players take part in Watch the Skies! board game in London
    'Nymphomaniac' actress reveals what it was really like to star in one of the most explicit films ever

    Charlotte Gainsbourg on 'Nymphomaniac'

    Starring in one of the most explicit films ever
    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi: The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers

    Robert Fisk in Abu Dhabi

    The Emirates' out-of-sight migrant workers helping to build the dream projects of its rulers
    Vince Cable interview: Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'

    Vince Cable exclusive interview

    Charging fees for employment tribunals was 'a very bad move'
    Iwan Rheon interview: Game of Thrones star returns to his Welsh roots to record debut album

    Iwan Rheon is returning to his Welsh roots

    Rheon is best known for his role as the Bastard of Bolton. It's gruelling playing a sadistic torturer, he tells Craig McLean, but it hasn't stopped him recording an album of Welsh psychedelia
    Morne Hardenberg interview: Cameraman for BBC's upcoming show Shark on filming the ocean's most dangerous predator

    It's time for my close-up

    Meet the man who films great whites for a living
    Increasing numbers of homeless people in America keep their mobile phones on the streets

    Homeless people keep mobile phones

    A homeless person with a smartphone is a common sight in the US. And that's creating a network where the 'hobo' community can share information - and fight stigma - like never before