How to cook up caviar on a desert island with a pair of royal pains

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Baffled by the mind-boggling array of Christmas books on offer in the shops? Boggle no more! Here is a handy cut-out-and-consult-in-Waterstone's Christmas '94 Good Book List! How to Survive Life Alone with a TV Film Crew Joanna Lumley BBC Spin-Offs, £9.99

Ms Lumley bravely spent several weeks this year in the terrifying company of a BBC film crew. Now, shaken but unbowed, she tells the rest of us how to survive such people as the sexist sound man, the director who is meant to be in charge but who doesn't know what he really wants, and the assistant cameraman who has visited more major cities than Douglas Hurd, and can't remember anything about any of them except the airports, the brothels and the cheaper restaurants. She tries to explain such mysteries as why all production assistants are women and all producers are men, and the importance of getting receipts for everything. A brave attempt to survey a distasteful subject.

Andrew Morton: My True Story Andrew Morton Shibboleth Press, £7.99

Andrew Morton, chronicler of the Princess of Wales and scourge of Buckingham Palace, has bravely spent the last year in his own company. It cannot have been pleasant. As he himself says: "When one is a royal chronicler, one is forced to spend every single second of night and day in one's own company, just in case one should be needed on the phone or to report a half-hearted suicide attempt". He has emerged from the experience more or less the same as before he went into it, but a lot richer. A brave attempt to survey a distasteful subject.

Budgie The Helicopter Gets Custody of Her Children Duchess of York Old Rope Books, £13.99

Another sure-fire success from a veteran children's writer. In this thrilling tale, Budgie goes shoplifting in Harrods, gets caught up in villainy at a health farm and is photographed in an informal pose by someone who wasn't meant to be anywhere near the helicopter pad.

Have I Got Sued For You! Ian Hislop Hat Trick Books £250,000

This is the book of the popular TV quiz game on which Ian H islop tries to earn enough to pay off his latest libel suit. There are several rare photographs of Paul Merton sitting next to dead politicians, who are always popular on Have I Got Sued For You! as Paul Merton can make fun of them but they cannot sue Ian Hislop.

The National Lottery Cookbook ed Delia Smith Heritage Publications, £12.99

You have no idea where the next meal is coming from. You haven't got two chops to rub together. Then suddenly, a man knocks on your door and tells you you've got £18m to play around with! You're well out of the fish'n'chip league now! But what do you getfor your money? Just how do you cope with your new catering budget? Does it have to be caviar on toast and dripping every time? This cookbook tells you all you need to know, including such tips as what to serve should a symphony orchestra drop by unexpectedly to thank you for your part in its funding, and to drop a few hints that it needs more money already...

The Guardian Bedside Book ed Richard Gott Moscow Free Press, £15.99

Seasonal offerings from the Guardian newspaper, including several blank pages of House of Commons paper to cut out and use, Richard Gott's holiday guide to Eastern Europe, and the ever popular "Notes and Queries" feature, which asks such questions as: "Has a genuinely humorous letter ever been published in the Guardian?" but does not answer them.

Fantasy cricket annual ed Ray Illingworth Googly Press £19.99

Fantasy cricket is the newly fashionable game in which you select a team of the best available English-born players, send them outto Australia and fantasise that they are going to win. This is the book of the game. One late result: Australian Ladies' Team 550, England 134 and 125 for 9.

Trouble Is My Middle Name PJ O'Rourke Republican Press $40

Well, whatever his middle name is, it sure isn't Trouble, which begins with T, not J! Just one of the many jokes in this cracking book by a man who is trying single-handedly to bring back the fashion for initials which we haven't known since HG Wells andTS Eliot. His great regret about the demise of Communism was that it spelt the end of a country known only by its initials (the USSR). Never mind; as he says, that still leaves the USA, the UAR and the CIS, plus one or two Third World countries such as the UK.

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