'I spot someone I'm sure I know. The eyebrows, the lope - Liam Gallagher'
Saturday night Sunday morning
Saturday 22 June 1996
I'm trying to explain to Steven why our break-up has been so unsuccessful. This is the best I can do. Although we split up, finally, that's it, forever, a good few months back, we still speak nearly every day and I see him about twice a week. A lot of people seem to be parting ways of late, but it's always in a Dynasty-esque "I hate you and I want my diamonds / cat back" style.
The terms of our split are: 1. I don't want to go out with you anymore. 2. Do you want to come round and watch The Simpsons and eat pizza in bed?
I decide the only way this split is going to be in any way effective is if I leave London (this coincides with the first week I've gone without eating chocolate. I chew it and then spit it out of my mouth).
I persuade my sister to run away to Brighton with me. Lisa is taking her GCSEs. I thought she was entirely unfazed until she burst into tears over a disagreement about which male in Friends is going out with Julia Roberts. Matthew Perry. Everyone knows that. In a flash, she realised she was wrong. Water sprang from her eyes and she knocked over a chair. "Pick that up," I yelled. "OK," she reasoned, "but only because I feel like picking it up." The worst rows I ever had with Steve were usually just to do with the central heating being up too high. The London sun had gone to Lisa's pretty GCSE head. The only option is to get on a train and check into the Metropole. But first we have a screaming, scratching, weeping argument at Victoria station over which ticket to buy.
My dear friend Julie is living in Brighton with her son, Jack. When we arrive, they are spraying each other with water pistols. They are too worn out to come and see the film Now and Then with us. A rites-of-passage saga, it is officially the worst film the world has ever known. Our grumpy brunette-child heroine, Christina Ricci, is appalling. Melanie Griffith is a breathy squirmfest. Demi Moore keeps saying: "It was at that point that I realised this would stay with me for the rest of my life." I'll say. When we leave the cinema, Lisa is quiet. "What if, 20 years from now, I turn into Melanie Griffith?" I try to soothe her. "Well, you have to marry Don Johnson but you also get to marry Antonio Banderas."
The next day, Lisa has to rush back to see Paul Weller's Finsbury Park festival. Julie, Jack and I admire the Brighton pier and monopolise the dodgems. They force me to go on a ride that makes me feel so sick I have to bite my arm. I sprawl out on the beach for a few hours. Jack and I have a water-pistol fight and try to hit tourists from the balcony. We're doing well when I spot someone I'm sure I know. The eyebrows, the lope, the stubble. It's Liam Gallagher - it can't be. It's not. It's his doppelganger, the singer from Oasis tribute band No Way Sis. "Hold your fire," I command Jack. "Why," he reasons. "It's not really him." "I don't care. It's still disrespectful."
When I got back to London, Lisa has Steven in tow. "When we got to Weller, we saw Steven swinging from the rafters of the dance tent. Then we watched the Bluetones. Then some old man came on." Lisa, that was Paul Weller. "Oh. Well, we liked watching Stevie. He is burnt to a crisp and totally drunk ("but I haven't had anything to drink!"). His posh new trousers are hopelessly grass-stained. They are the third pair he has bought this week. "Yes," he says proudly. "I am pure trouser-head. I am" - he pauses grandly - "distilled trouser-head." I try to soothe him with ice-cream and cold baths, but he keeps getting nuttier. He wanders into the bedroom and I start flicking through the cable guide. "Oh, my God - Steve. Guess what? Charles Dance and his ape kid are on TV!" I try to wake him up to watch with me. But he's out cold.
arts + entsThere were towering ideas, some scintillating performances and revelatory grooves... our writers pick out their personal highlights
elephant appealThe first 23 lots in our charity auction have now gone. But there are 22 more still up for grabs
elephant appealPrince William signs up for our charity appeal
peoplePrepare to be entranced by worms as the molecular biologist gets ready to give the Royal Institution science lectures
elephant appealSo says man jailed for cutting off dead elephant's tusks
booksWe examine the best titles for teens
voicesPeople moan that Christmas is too commercial, the spirit lost. But it is a time to over-indulge, and always has been, says DJ Taylor
scienceResearchers teach border collie to understand sentences using more than 1,000 words
booksA Christmas story in six parts
travelWill high-value tourism help the workshops of this Renaissance city?
food + drinkA trifle without custard? Surely not! Nonsense – and here’s three to finish your festive meal that prove it
Geoffrey Macnab does not like the comedian's big screen debut
Life & Style blogs
Tom Daley ‘is gay because his father died’ says UK evangelist
Iain Duncan Smith leaves Commons food banks debate early
David Cameron takes his biggest gamble yet as he gets tough on Europe over immigration
Kiss and yell: Italian protester charged with sexual assault after kissing riot police officer
Anachronistic and iniquitous, grammar schools are a blot on the British education system
Scientists ‘incredibly concerned’ for fate of banana as plagues and fungus infections spread across world’s supplies
- 1 Tim Sherwood challenges Daniel Levy to set out vision for Tottenham Hotspur’s future
- 2 French pub fined €9,000 after customers returned empties to bar - because it's 'undeclared labour'
- 3 Sun will 'flip upside down' within weeks, says Nasa
- 4 #Teamnigella: It’s the only side to be on
- 5 Christmas comes early: Justin Bieber is 'retiring from music'
£40000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits : Harrington Starr: C#.NET Developer (WPF...
£45000 - £65000 per annum + London: Harrington Starr: Senior Automation QA Eng...
Negotiable: Capita Education Resourcing Permanent Team: Year 6 Teacher - Gilli...
Negotiable: Capita Education Resourcing Permanent Team: Teacher of English - S...