'I spot someone I'm sure I know. The eyebrows, the lope - Liam Gallagher'

Saturday night Sunday morning

"Remember that mini-series with Charles Dance where he inseminated an ape with his semen and then raised the half-breed monster as his son? And the kid fitted in with polite society pretty well, but he kept sleeping on the floor and yearning for his ape mother? Well, you are my ape mother."

I'm trying to explain to Steven why our break-up has been so unsuccessful. This is the best I can do. Although we split up, finally, that's it, forever, a good few months back, we still speak nearly every day and I see him about twice a week. A lot of people seem to be parting ways of late, but it's always in a Dynasty-esque "I hate you and I want my diamonds / cat back" style.

The terms of our split are: 1. I don't want to go out with you anymore. 2. Do you want to come round and watch The Simpsons and eat pizza in bed?

I decide the only way this split is going to be in any way effective is if I leave London (this coincides with the first week I've gone without eating chocolate. I chew it and then spit it out of my mouth).

I persuade my sister to run away to Brighton with me. Lisa is taking her GCSEs. I thought she was entirely unfazed until she burst into tears over a disagreement about which male in Friends is going out with Julia Roberts. Matthew Perry. Everyone knows that. In a flash, she realised she was wrong. Water sprang from her eyes and she knocked over a chair. "Pick that up," I yelled. "OK," she reasoned, "but only because I feel like picking it up." The worst rows I ever had with Steve were usually just to do with the central heating being up too high. The London sun had gone to Lisa's pretty GCSE head. The only option is to get on a train and check into the Metropole. But first we have a screaming, scratching, weeping argument at Victoria station over which ticket to buy.

My dear friend Julie is living in Brighton with her son, Jack. When we arrive, they are spraying each other with water pistols. They are too worn out to come and see the film Now and Then with us. A rites-of-passage saga, it is officially the worst film the world has ever known. Our grumpy brunette-child heroine, Christina Ricci, is appalling. Melanie Griffith is a breathy squirmfest. Demi Moore keeps saying: "It was at that point that I realised this would stay with me for the rest of my life." I'll say. When we leave the cinema, Lisa is quiet. "What if, 20 years from now, I turn into Melanie Griffith?" I try to soothe her. "Well, you have to marry Don Johnson but you also get to marry Antonio Banderas."

The next day, Lisa has to rush back to see Paul Weller's Finsbury Park festival. Julie, Jack and I admire the Brighton pier and monopolise the dodgems. They force me to go on a ride that makes me feel so sick I have to bite my arm. I sprawl out on the beach for a few hours. Jack and I have a water-pistol fight and try to hit tourists from the balcony. We're doing well when I spot someone I'm sure I know. The eyebrows, the lope, the stubble. It's Liam Gallagher - it can't be. It's not. It's his doppelganger, the singer from Oasis tribute band No Way Sis. "Hold your fire," I command Jack. "Why," he reasons. "It's not really him." "I don't care. It's still disrespectful."

When I got back to London, Lisa has Steven in tow. "When we got to Weller, we saw Steven swinging from the rafters of the dance tent. Then we watched the Bluetones. Then some old man came on." Lisa, that was Paul Weller. "Oh. Well, we liked watching Stevie. He is burnt to a crisp and totally drunk ("but I haven't had anything to drink!"). His posh new trousers are hopelessly grass-stained. They are the third pair he has bought this week. "Yes," he says proudly. "I am pure trouser-head. I am" - he pauses grandly - "distilled trouser-head." I try to soothe him with ice-cream and cold baths, but he keeps getting nuttier. He wanders into the bedroom and I start flicking through the cable guide. "Oh, my God - Steve. Guess what? Charles Dance and his ape kid are on TV!" I try to wake him up to watch with me. But he's out cold.

Sport
sportWWE latest including Sting vs Triple H, Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns and The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt
Arts and Entertainment
Louis Theroux: By Reason of Insanity takes him behind the bars again
tvBy Reason of Insanity, TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Cassetteboy's latest video is called Emperor's New Clothes rap
videoThe political parody genius duo strike again with new video
Arts and Entertainment
tvPoldark, TV review
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Junior Web Designer - Client Liaison

    £6 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity to join a gro...

    Recruitment Genius: Service Delivery Manager

    Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A Service Delivery Manager is required to join...

    Recruitment Genius: Massage Therapist / Sports Therapist

    £12000 - £24000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A opportunity has arisen for a ...

    Ashdown Group: Practice Accountant - Bournemouth - £38,000

    £32000 - £38000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A successful accountancy practice in...

    Day In a Page

    Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

    Promises, promises

    But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
    The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

    The death of a Gaza fisherman

    He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
    Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

    Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

    Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
    Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

    The only direction Zayn could go

    We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
    Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

    Spells like teen spirit

    A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
    Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

    If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

    British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
    Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

    Licence to offend in the land of the free

    Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell
    From farm to fork: Meet the Cornish fishermen, vegetable-growers and butchers causing a stir in London's top restaurants

    From farm to fork in Cornwall

    One man is bringing together Cornwall's most accomplished growers, fishermen and butchers with London's best chefs to put the finest, freshest produce on the plates of some of the country’s best restaurants
    Robert Parker interview: The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes

    Robert Parker interview

    The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes
    Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

    Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

    We exaggerate regional traits and turn them into jokes - and those on the receiving end are in on it too, says DJ Taylor
    How to make your own Easter egg: Willie Harcourt-Cooze shares his chocolate recipes

    How to make your own Easter egg

    Willie Harcourt-Cooze talks about his love affair with 'cacao' - and creates an Easter egg especially for The Independent on Sunday
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef declares barbecue season open with his twist on a tradtional Easter Sunday lamb lunch

    Bill Granger's twist on Easter Sunday lunch

    Next weekend, our chef plans to return to his Aussie roots by firing up the barbecue
    Joe Marler: 'It's the way I think the game should be played'

    Joe Marler: 'It's the way I think the game should be played'

    The England prop relives the highs and lows of last Saturday's remarkable afternoon of Six Nations rugby
    Cricket World Cup 2015: Has the success of the tournament spelt the end for Test matches?

    Cricket World Cup 2015

    Has the success of the tournament spelt the end for Test matches?
    The Last Word: Justin Gatlin knows the price of everything, the value of nothing

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    Justin Gatlin knows the price of everything, the value of nothing