`I wondered what I had done wrong to make him hurt me so much'

Fred West's daughter Anne Marie has given evidence that her father and stepmother sexually abused her as a child. She says she was told it went on in all families. It went on in "Sophie's" family. Now married with children, Sophie counsels other victims of abuse. She tells her story to Chris Mowbray

"In the year I became nine my father started suffering from asthma and he and my mother had separate bedrooms because he did not want his asthma attacks to disturb her. It was the year he started having sexual intercourse with me.

I have only a blurred memory of what happened the first time. I just remember the fear I felt and how I wondered what I had done wrong that he should hurt me so much. I was off school for two days afterwards. I just lay curled up in bed with a temperature.

The first time my mother came into my room afterwards and comforted me. She said this type of thing happened to everyone and I grew up assuming this was true.

Several times a week, my father came to my bedroom during the night. I would hear him coming and pretend to be asleep, praying he would go away.

But he never did. I nearly always struggled because he hurt me, yet I quickly learnt this only made it more exciting for him.

While it was happening, I tried to think about something nice like a field of flowers or a sunny day - anything to help me pretend I was somewhere else.

My mother knew what was going on and actually helped him sometimes by holding me down. She also used to touch my genitals herself.

The message from both my parents was always - don't cry, don't make a fuss, don't talk. They made sure I didn't tell. They said that if I did, my father would kill my pet cat and I would be sent away to a home for naughty girls.

So I kept it all to myself, although I knew from the start it was wrong. How could something that hurt so much and that had to be kept secret, be anything other than wrong?

I vaguely recall other things being done to me from a much earlier age. I used to be taken into their bed at night to lie between them and it did not feel right because I was always being touched.

Since becoming an adult I have seen my medical records and there is an unexplained hospital admission when I was two. I think that was probably the start of it.

My mother was a weird woman. She had been a teacher before having me. My father was a skilled worker. She was little and appeared inoffensive to outsiders, but she was really domineering and controlling.

This included controlling all the money that came into the house. She gave my father only a bit of pocket money to spend.

Part of me felt very sorry for him because he had a terrible life with her. I remember once he was so unhappy with all the arguments and fighting that he decided to leave home, but he couldn't because he didn't have any money.

So I fetched the little cup on the mantelpiece where my pocket money was kept and offered it to him. He just sat on the stairs and cried.

I don't know what sort of sex life they had, but I cannot ever remember them holding hands or kissing and cuddling. They were not demonstrative at all.

I hated what he did to me, but if he hadn't done it he would have been a very good dad. He was a loving and likeable man with lots of friends.

He used to tell me he loved me and that I was a very special person. In a way, what he did to me was misplaced love and I probably kept quiet because I didn't want to get him into trouble.

Abuse of children is not really about sex. It has more to do with exerting power and control, something that my father could not do with my mother.

The abuse came to an end when I was 17. My father went out fishing one day and never came back. He had a massive asthma attack, which killed him.

I escaped to college and never returned home to live. I was far more frightened of my mother and staying with her would have been almost worse than being abused by my father.

I met my husband as I was graduating from university. He is nine years older than me and I married him to avoid returning home. He has never been abused. Some experts say abused children seek like partners in adult life. Perhaps he does have the potential to be an abuser. I think there may be such potential in every man.

I was very worried about that when our first child was born. My husband was delighted it was a little girl, but I didn't want her because I was worried about how to protect her.

I became very depressed afterwards and relied far too heavily on alcohol. I never left her alone with him and watched him like a hawk.

But he used to bath her without any problems and was wonderful with her. By the time our son arrived four years later, I knew he could be trusted.

If our daughter had said just once that Daddy had done something to her, there would have been no negotiation. I would have left with the children. I could always have found another husband, but my children are irreplaceable. I could never have done what my mother did to me.

My mother is still alive and sees her grandchildren - we even go on holiday, although my husband doesn't come - he doesn't like her.

He has always known something happened to me, but it is only in the past six years I have told him I was abused as a child. He still doesn't know who did it.

My mother loves my children to bits. I don't think she loved me at all because I was a girl and she wanted a boy.

Every relationship I have ever had has been affected by what happened. I can be difficult and moody. I like to have time on my own. When my husband was unemployed for a time, I left home for two years because I couldn't cope with him being around all the time. I saw the children every day but I stayed with my mother and slept in my father's old bedroom. It was really strange.

Friends ask me why I don't confront her, but what would be the point? She is an old woman now and she could only say she is sorry. It wouldn't serve any purpose.

For me, the concept of love has been so distorted that I am not sure what love is. I have strong emotions for my children, but I am not sure I love them.

I have never felt comfortable touching my daughter and she feels as if she is not loved, even though we talk a lot about my work and share the same sense of humour. I have much more warmth for my son and I am much kinder to him. I think I love him.

I would like to say I love my husband, but I don't think it would be true. I care very much about what happens to him, but I don't think we shall be together when we retire.

I still need to see a counsellor myself occasionally and there are days when I can't get out of bed and face the world. I want to spiral down into a black hole and stay there.

I have never told my children because it would put a big responsibility on their shoulders; but I might one day, if the subject came up naturally.

What I have done is to break the cycle of abuse so that it does not go on and on. Somewhere along the line, someone has to say enough is enough and, in my family, I was that person."