If I Win The Lottery Tonight...

I FEEL IN my case that this column should be changed from "If I win the Lottery" to "When I win the Lottery" because I know it's only a question of time. I think I must suffer something called Reverse Odds Syndrome, or maybe Statistic Dyslexia, because the smaller or more unlikely the odds are, the more convinced I become that they apply to me. The downside is no swimming, (1 per cent of the population bitten by great white sharks), no outdoor activity in inclement weather (lightning strikes 9 per cent), and so on, but the upside is that every Saturday I am 100 per cent convinced that the one in 18 million ticket will be mine.

I know you're supposed to give it all away to charity, but I just don't think I could bear to. I would, however, organise a dinner for friends and family in one of those swanky places like Claridge's, where violins are played in the corner, waiters jump around in velvet knickerbockers and food comes served on solid silver. When the covers are removed, there would be no grub, just piles and piles of cash.

For my friends, I'd identify the one with the lowest self-worth and hire someone to follow him around telling him he was magnificent until he either believed it or shot the guy. I once heard that David Copperfield pays someone to tell him he's handsome two or three times a day - an inspired idea. It's pretty important to be evil and mad when you're rich, so I'd hire a Lear jet and give tickets to the 10 people I most dislike and send them on a one-way trip to the Bermuda Triangle.

I'm not that into spending my millions on cars, but I'm very keen on trains. I'd like to buy a carriage and decorate it Gracelands-style with giant TV screens and blue suede sofas. I'd have it attached to trains going to all the places I still haven't seen.

Finally, I'd build a small cinema, a proper old-fashioned one but equipped with every digital and Dolby mod con. I'd decorate it with gaudy brilliance and plenty of gold leaf.

I would never have to have people to supper again, just ask them to my cinema and give them a screening and a snack. I would build a tower above it with a view over London where I will one day retire, eat popcorn all day, grow old, fat and hopefully very wise.

Bella Pollen's first novel, `All About Men', is published by Pan. She was interviewed by Diona Gregory