I'll tell you what I want

Under the counter with Lindsay Calder

Valentine's Day is the enemy of taste. I have to start taking Kwells at the beginning of February to calm the waves of nausea, and wear solid boots to stop my toes curling, before I can even think of going shopping. This retail epidemic of cuddly, squidgy, heart-shaped, pink thingies is an ideal antidote for love sickness.

The only acceptable Valentine gifts, as far as I'm concerned, come in small boxes marked "Tiffany" or "Hatton Garden" and necessitate the immediate upward revision of your home contents insurance. Nothing else will do.Last week I witnessed people actually thronging round the array of romanticabilia in Woolworth's (I was only in there for a light bulb). They were anxiously deciding whether to opt for "Canned Kisses" or "Cupid's Love Gums", as if they were picking out a villain in an identity parade. These things cost 99p and are disgusting - I haven't actually tasted them, but they must be. As if that wasn't bad enough, the infernal chocolate body paint was top of the bill (and I know that tastes disgusting).

Naff Valentine gifts must not be tolerated. Once, in order to make this point, I ritualistically beheaded a heart-hugging teddy bear and returned it to sender - the relationship was doomed anyway. I don't mind flowers - I've always believed you can tell a good man from the size of his bouquet. The guy who turned up with the non-flowering roses from the petrol station forecourt didn't make it to dessert, never mind anything else, but the one who had a whopping great bunch delivered to my office, prior to the dinner date, was still there for muesli.

What I can't bear, are the mugs - it takes one to give one, especially those "Love Is" pint mugs, wittily inscribed "The Mug I Love", with that icky little nude couple with long eyelashes and freckles smooching around the outside. Secretaries display these with pride beside their neon Post- it cube holders (and various miniature gonks, given away in breakfast cereal packets). Wise up girls - your fella spends more time and money on a pint in his local than he did on that china horror.

What women want, what they really really want, is a simple message that is lasting and as solid as a rock - a precious one. Platinum-set diamond earrings (around one carat) are the only worthwhile sign of true dedication at pounds 3000 the pair. (Philip Antrobus Ltd will be happy to help gentlemen choose.) When I look in the mirror next Friday, I expect to be dazzled by my sparkling lobes.

He loves me:

Diamond earrings and other wonderful rocks, from Philip Antrobus Ltd, 11 New Bond Street, London.

He loves me not:

Canned Kisses, 120g, in a handy ring-pull can, pounds l.49; Cupid's Love Gums, 70g tube, 99p; "The Mug I Love" pint mug, pounds l. 99; all from Woolworth's.