SUNDAY 12.01am: What a shite day. Anna has announced is moving back to Scotland for some important barrister job which will make her next Helena Kennedy QC. Dylan's been busted for intent to supply (block of Afghan hash, size of Pakistani nuclear warhead). Tinky-Winky's boyfriend's dumped him for a girl; sexuality crises all round. Vikram's working so many hours as junior doctor he's losing the plot completely and keeps mumbling about the people he's killed by falling asleep on the job. Final straw is, today lost new pounds 3 an hour temp job as office cleaner after throwing bucket of mucky mop water over junior manager who pinched my bum. Keep telling temp agency I have MA in applied linguistics, but they look at me pityingly.

12.30am: Feeling bit weird. Am on 9am flight to Australia. Have been trying to get there since age of five, when started digging tunnels on the beach at Clacton in the hope of emerging somewhere Down Under to be with Skippy to Kangaroo, so quite an achievement. Was going to burn all possessions in a Leaving Las Vegas style bonfire, but have stuck them under the stairs instead, in case ever need lava lamp, fluffy hot water bottle, waterproof Rizla case and several boxes of tomes on advanced sociolinguistics. Basically, Office Cleaners Ltd. paid me nice little sum of money to shut up about the sexual harassment biz and as walked home from being fired, went past Qantas Airlines office and saw this picture of Skippy in the Australian sunshine. Just walked in and booked a flight to Sydney. Maybe am losing plot. Maybe am setting self free. Maybe have watched too many episodes of Home and Away.

1am: Having second thoughts. Practice Australian vocabulary to date: Fair Dinkum! (don't know what this means); Fair go! (ditto); you've dobbed me in ya stinker (you grass); Decide to pack jar of Marmite as remember that fellow-Brits who've taken convict escape route before say Vegemite is no substitute.

4.30am: Take farewell line of speed (not sure about prevalence of narcotics in Oz, although do remember Bouncer the dog tripping off magic mushrooms in a controversial episode of Neighbours). Suddenly all positive things about Australia leaping into brain: sunshine, barbies, long-haired surfers, Rolf Harris... I am doing the right thing!

5.30am: Time for airport, but still no sign of anyone. Remember that Dylan is in Bethnal Green nick, Vikram's probably working. T-W will be moping on Hampstead Heath. Anna's probably pulled at some nightclub. Try to think what note to leave. "Dear everyone, have gone to Australia, hope Dylan doesn't get sent down and Anna likes Scotland..." Nah. "Don't worry about me, I've gone to a better place." Hmm. Leave it. I'll ring them from Sydney and explain when it's too late for anyone to persuade me out of it.

5.45am: Run back in house for fluffy hot water bottle, waterproof Rizla case and copy of Pride & Prejudice given to me by first ever boyfriend, Brian `speccy' Spencer. Leave message on coffee table, carefully constructed out of Dylan's stash of drugs that he won't be needing in Bethnal Green nick. "Gone to Australia!" (in amphetamine sulphate); "Love you all" (in grass) "Emma" (entirely out of ecstasy pills). Never knew I was so artistic. Be seeing you.