It's a wife, Liam, but not as we know it

Marrrying a rock star is one thing. Keeping him is another. Perhaps Patsy needs a few tips, says Emma Cook

Whether or not Patsy and Liam are married by now - at time of going to press it was still a ubiquitous definitely maybe - Ms Kensit's destiny as Mrs Gallagher is pretty much assured, in fact it's a dead cert. At this stage in the media game, the "when's" and "where's" are now being replaced by the "why's" and "if-so, for-how-longs?" that will presumably plague them for the rest of their marriage.

So far, Kensit's track record with rock stars has been volatile to say the least. Her first marriage to Dan Donovan, keyboard player for Big Audio Dynamite, lasted only 12 weeks while hubby number two, Jim Kerr of Simple Minds, made the three year mark. As Patsy tries a third time she rejoins a legion of rock wives who defend their marriages with military- style vigilance.

Pop stars may view themselves as creative rebels, convention flouters in every sense, but domestically they're anything but. The marital dynamics of the rock couple couldn't be more traditional - a fact that rock wives can't help but reflect. For further evidence, look at the strategies this possessive breed employs. Time will tell which style Patsy will model as her own.

It maybe the Jerry Hall "whore-in-the-bedroom" strategy. Though in the light of Mick's many liaisons, this hasn't been a 100 per cent success. Still, after Mick's fling with Carla Bruni in Thailand, chirpy Jerry refused to take the episode seriously and soon afterwards advised: "Even if you only have a couple of seconds, drop everything and give him some sexual satisfaction. That way he won't want sex with anyone else."

Dr Andrew Evans, arts and media psychologist, relates an anecdote told to him by one libidinous rock guitarist who warned, "Never let a one night stand squeeze the pimples on your back. I did and my wife took one look and was furious - it's something she always likes to do herself and she knew immediately that I'd slept with someone else". Evans explains: "It's extremely territorial behaviour - like chimps picking gnats out of each other's fur. But a bit of healthy threatening has been to known to be successful."

If Patsy feels this is all a bit low on the evolutionary scale, she could always try the Rachel Hunter "doe-eyed-doormat" method, which appears to involve a great deal of gooey sycophancy. "You'll never find me in the gym. A husband always helps. It does put a certain glow on a woman's face", she coos about Rod Stewart, some 24 years her senior. "He's still my number one beauty secret ... If Rod needs me I'll tend to him."

Sharon Osbourne, married to rock beast Ozzy for 14 years, has also played the doormat card to great effect. She says, "When we married it was a tough time. Oz was doing a lot of drink and drugs. He tried to strangle me. But I married for keeps. I'm not a quitter. I don't give up". Her reward? Now Oz is off the drink and drugs and says, "Yes, I've cheated several times. But now I love Sharon more every day and I'm not unfaithful anymore". What more could a rock wife hope for?

Perhaps a partner who's so blind drunk he's physically incapable of sleeping with other women. For Victoria Clarke, girlfriend of Shane MacGowan for a decade, this must have been one of the very few compensations when she adopted the "Whatever-it-takes-to-tame-him" philosophy; the rock wives' mantra. She says, "He didn't want to get involved. I thought, well you are going to get involved. And he did. When he finally took his clothes off he had on a pair of red nylon Y-fronts that he'd probably been wearing for about six months. Some girls just manage to have all the fun, don't they?"

Except for the very few - notably Courtney Love who has always been by far the least traditional and most talented rock wife around - it's hard to see why these women fight so hard for so little. The reality is, most rock wives resign themselves to living in their husband's shadows; content to play second fiddle as a model-actress-whatever. As Patsy prepares for marital harmony, it's extremely unlikely she'll break the mould. As much as she probably dreams of emulating the Linda McCartney lo-fi "We're- just-normal-people" approach, it's far more likely she'll qualify for entry to the Paula Yates "instant-pop-star-replacement" school of courtship; the logic being, when one rock star lets you down, simply catch another. Judging by Patsy's track record, she's only just started.

Suggested Topics
News
peopleFrankie Boyle responds to referendum result in characteristically offensive style
Sport
Lewis Hamilton will start the Singapore Grand Prix from pole, with Nico Rosberg second and Daniel Ricciardo third
F1... for floodlit Singapore Grand Prix
Arts and Entertainment
'New Tricks' star Dennis Waterman is departing from the show after he completes filming on two more episodes
tvHe is only remaining member of original cast
Arts and Entertainment
tvHighs and lows of the cast's careers since 2004
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Sport
Fans hold up a scarf at West Ham vs Liverpool
footballAfter Arsenal's clear victory, focus turns to West Ham vs Liverpool
New Articles
i100... she's just started school
News
news
New Articles
i100
Life and Style
Couples have been having sex less in 2014, according to a new survey
life
Arts and Entertainment
musicBiographer Hunter Davies has collected nearly a hundred original manuscripts
Sport
football
New Articles
i100... despite rising prices
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Qualified Primary Teaching Assistant

    £64 - £73 per day + Competitive rates based on experience : Randstad Education...

    Primary KS2 NQTs required in Lambeth

    £117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

    Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

    £117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

    Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

    £117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

    Day In a Page

    Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

    Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

    Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
    Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

    Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

    The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
    The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

    Scrambled eggs and LSD

    Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
    'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

    'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

    Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
    Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

    New leading ladies of dance fight back

    How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
    Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

    A shot in the dark

    Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
    His life, the universe and everything

    His life, the universe and everything

    New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
    Save us from small screen superheroes

    Save us from small screen superheroes

    Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
    Reach for the skies

    Reach for the skies

    From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
    These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

    12 best hotel spas in the UK

    Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
    These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

    Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

    Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
    Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

    Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

    Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
    How to make a Lego masterpiece

    How to make a Lego masterpiece

    Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
    Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

    Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

    Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
    Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

    Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

    His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam