It's a wife, Liam, but not as we know it

Marrrying a rock star is one thing. Keeping him is another. Perhaps Patsy needs a few tips, says Emma Cook

Whether or not Patsy and Liam are married by now - at time of going to press it was still a ubiquitous definitely maybe - Ms Kensit's destiny as Mrs Gallagher is pretty much assured, in fact it's a dead cert. At this stage in the media game, the "when's" and "where's" are now being replaced by the "why's" and "if-so, for-how-longs?" that will presumably plague them for the rest of their marriage.

So far, Kensit's track record with rock stars has been volatile to say the least. Her first marriage to Dan Donovan, keyboard player for Big Audio Dynamite, lasted only 12 weeks while hubby number two, Jim Kerr of Simple Minds, made the three year mark. As Patsy tries a third time she rejoins a legion of rock wives who defend their marriages with military- style vigilance.

Pop stars may view themselves as creative rebels, convention flouters in every sense, but domestically they're anything but. The marital dynamics of the rock couple couldn't be more traditional - a fact that rock wives can't help but reflect. For further evidence, look at the strategies this possessive breed employs. Time will tell which style Patsy will model as her own.

It maybe the Jerry Hall "whore-in-the-bedroom" strategy. Though in the light of Mick's many liaisons, this hasn't been a 100 per cent success. Still, after Mick's fling with Carla Bruni in Thailand, chirpy Jerry refused to take the episode seriously and soon afterwards advised: "Even if you only have a couple of seconds, drop everything and give him some sexual satisfaction. That way he won't want sex with anyone else."

Dr Andrew Evans, arts and media psychologist, relates an anecdote told to him by one libidinous rock guitarist who warned, "Never let a one night stand squeeze the pimples on your back. I did and my wife took one look and was furious - it's something she always likes to do herself and she knew immediately that I'd slept with someone else". Evans explains: "It's extremely territorial behaviour - like chimps picking gnats out of each other's fur. But a bit of healthy threatening has been to known to be successful."

If Patsy feels this is all a bit low on the evolutionary scale, she could always try the Rachel Hunter "doe-eyed-doormat" method, which appears to involve a great deal of gooey sycophancy. "You'll never find me in the gym. A husband always helps. It does put a certain glow on a woman's face", she coos about Rod Stewart, some 24 years her senior. "He's still my number one beauty secret ... If Rod needs me I'll tend to him."

Sharon Osbourne, married to rock beast Ozzy for 14 years, has also played the doormat card to great effect. She says, "When we married it was a tough time. Oz was doing a lot of drink and drugs. He tried to strangle me. But I married for keeps. I'm not a quitter. I don't give up". Her reward? Now Oz is off the drink and drugs and says, "Yes, I've cheated several times. But now I love Sharon more every day and I'm not unfaithful anymore". What more could a rock wife hope for?

Perhaps a partner who's so blind drunk he's physically incapable of sleeping with other women. For Victoria Clarke, girlfriend of Shane MacGowan for a decade, this must have been one of the very few compensations when she adopted the "Whatever-it-takes-to-tame-him" philosophy; the rock wives' mantra. She says, "He didn't want to get involved. I thought, well you are going to get involved. And he did. When he finally took his clothes off he had on a pair of red nylon Y-fronts that he'd probably been wearing for about six months. Some girls just manage to have all the fun, don't they?"

Except for the very few - notably Courtney Love who has always been by far the least traditional and most talented rock wife around - it's hard to see why these women fight so hard for so little. The reality is, most rock wives resign themselves to living in their husband's shadows; content to play second fiddle as a model-actress-whatever. As Patsy prepares for marital harmony, it's extremely unlikely she'll break the mould. As much as she probably dreams of emulating the Linda McCartney lo-fi "We're- just-normal-people" approach, it's far more likely she'll qualify for entry to the Paula Yates "instant-pop-star-replacement" school of courtship; the logic being, when one rock star lets you down, simply catch another. Judging by Patsy's track record, she's only just started.

Suggested Topics
Arts and Entertainment
books
Voices
Caustic she may be, but Joan Rivers is a feminist hero, whether she likes it or not
voicesShe's an inspiration, whether she likes it or not, says Ellen E Jones
Arts and Entertainment
The Doctor and the Dalek meet
tvReview: Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Sport
Diego Costa
footballEverton 3 Chelsea 6: Diego Costa double has manager purring
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Life and Style
3D printed bump keys can access almost any lock
techSoftware needs photo of lock and not much more
Arts and Entertainment
The 'three chords and the truth gal' performing at the Cornbury Music Festival, Oxford, earlier this summer
music... so how did she become country music's hottest new star?
Life and Style
The spy mistress-general: A lecturer in nutritional therapy in her modern life, Heather Rosa favours a Byzantine look topped off with a squid and a schooner
fashionEurope's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln
News
Dr Alice Roberts in front of a
peopleAlice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Star turns: Montacute House
tv
News
i100Steve Carell selling chicken, Tina Fey selling saving accounts and Steve Colbert selling, um...
Arts and Entertainment
Unsettling perspective: Iraq gave Turner a subject and a voice (stock photo)
booksBrian Turner's new book goes back to the bloody battles he fought in Iraq
News
The Digicub app, for young fans
advertisingNSPCC 'extremely concerned'
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Some of the key words and phrases to remember
booksA user's guide to weasel words
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Senior Data Scientist (Data Mining, RSPSS, R, AI, CPLEX, SQL)

    £60000 - £70000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Senior Data Sc...

    Law Costs

    Highly Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: BRISTOL - This is a very unusual law c...

    Junior VB.NET Application Developer (ASP.NET, SQL, Graduate)

    £28000 - £30000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Junior VB.NET ...

    C# .NET Web Developer (ASP.NET, JavaScript, jQuery, XML, XLST)

    £40000 - £50000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# .NET Web De...

    Day In a Page

    The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

    The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

    Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
    The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

    The model for a gadget launch

    Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
    Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

    She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

    Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
    Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

    Get well soon, Joan Rivers

    She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
    Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

    A fresh take on an old foe

    Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
    Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

    Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

    As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
    Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

    Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

    ... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
    Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

    Europe's biggest steampunk convention

    Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
    Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

    Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

    Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
    Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

    Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

    The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor
    She's dark, sarcastic, and bashes life in Nowheresville ... so how did Kacey Musgraves become country music's hottest new star?

    Kacey Musgraves: Nashville's hottest new star

    The singer has two Grammys for her first album under her belt and her celebrity fans include Willie Nelson, Ryan Adams and Katy Perry
    American soldier-poet Brian Turner reveals the enduring turmoil that inspired his memoir

    Soldier-poet Brian Turner on his new memoir

    James Kidd meets the prize-winning writer, whose new memoir takes him back to the bloody battles he fought in Iraq
    Aston Villa vs Hull match preview: Villa were not surprised that Ron Vlaar was a World Cup star

    Villa were not surprised that Vlaar was a World Cup star

    Andi Weimann reveals just how good his Dutch teammate really is
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef ekes out his holiday in Italy with divine, simple salads

    Bill Granger's simple Italian salads

    Our chef presents his own version of Italian dishes, taking in the flavours and produce that inspired him while he was in the country
    The Last Word: Tumbleweed through deserted stands and suites at Wembley

    The Last Word: Tumbleweed through deserted stands and suites at Wembley

    If supporters begin to close bank accounts, switch broadband suppliers or shun satellite sales, their voices will be heard. It’s time for revolution