It's the thought that counts

At this festive time of year, the gift's the thing, so here are some last-minute ideas for that certain someone:

Prince Charles: a pair of Camilla Parker Bowles's trousers

Belinda Harley, Prince Charles's assistant: a pair of Prince Charles's trousers

Princess Diana: The Jackie Kennedy How To Re-marry Really Rich Guide

Fergie: Toe Rock

Andrew Neil and Madonna: a Room at the Inn

Verity Lambert: a gold strike in Eldorado

John Birt: a holiday in Eldorado

Dan Quayle: a brain transplant; a sack of potato-s

Boutros Boutros-Ghali: a first name of his own . . . what about Bud?

Robert Maxwell: an invite to Christmas dinner in the Country of the Undead (somewhere near Paraguay), along with Captain Glenn Miller, Amelia Earhart, Adolf Hitler, Jim Morrison and Elvis Presley

Terry Wogan: a radio show

Channel 4: a Big Sick Bag for The Big Breakfast

Nigel Kennedy: better hair

Gerard Depardieu: cleaner hair

Clint Eastwood: an Oscar

Macaulay Culkin, pint-size pouty-lipped star of Home Alone I and II: a slide down a 50ft razor blade into a pool of iodine

Neil Kinnock: a quiz show of his very own

Melvyn Bragg: the entire BBC licence fee

Gerald Ratner: Tiffany's

Spike Lee: a Very Happy Malcolm X-mas

The American Media: their very own beach to invade

Andrew Morton: a sequel

Lady Thatcher: Norma Desmond's house on Sunset Boulevard. (Played by Gloria Swanson in the Billy Wilder movie, Norma lived out her twilight years in the creepy mansion, waiting to make the comeback nobody wanted, attended by her major-domo - Erich von Stroheim - and her young protege - William Holden - later found dead in the swimming pool)

Mikhail Gorbachev: the Von Stroheim part

John Major: the William Holden part

Boris Yeltsin: Mikhail Gorbachev's agent