Just shut up and listen, can't you?

THE DIARY OF Emma D May

Sunday 12.01am: Have invented new game called Fox Hunting, in honour of failed government bill. Rules are that when someone comes over to talk to you, you must never allow them to get to their point. "It's a form of filibustering," I explain to Dylan, who looks perplexed. "But isn't that a bit mean?" he says. "I mean, like, say someone wants to say something really really important and you're just rambling about crap?" "Exactly," says Anna. "It's a blood sport."

First visitor of the night is Vikram, who is trying to persuade us to go to club with him.

Vikram: "Hi everyone. I was just wondering whether..."

Anna: "Good shirt, Vikram."

Vikram (taken aback): "Erm, glad you like it. What are you guys doing..."

Me: "Fancy a spliff?"

Vikram: "Erm, yeah, thanks. Now, what I came round to..."

Anna: "I could almost fancy you in that shirt..."

Vikram (flustered): "Are you lot all on coke?"

Me: "This far from pay day?"

Vikram: "Oh well, if you're all skint there's no point asking you to this club I'm going to later."

Anna: "No there isn't really."

Vikram: "Oh."

Long pause in which me and Anna reflect that our parliamentary skills mean we should end up in the Commons any day now.

3.20am: Knock at door. It's Mel A, who only ever drops by when she needs to score some weed. Anna digs Dylan in the ribs: "Remember, the rules are, don't let her get to the point."

Mel A: "Hi guys. I know it's a bit of a cheek, like, but I thought you might have some spare..."

Dylan: "Gear? Yeah. How much d'you want?"

Exit Mel A.

3.30am: "Dylan," says Anna. "Did you understand the rules at all?" Dylan frowns. "Maybe, that wasn't, like her point as such. She might have wanted some gear, but the real point of her coming over was to tell us her house had, like, burned down." Suddenly remember that Dylan has never got to grips with the rules of Connect 4.

5am: Tinky-Winky gets back from club. He clearly wants us to ask whether he pulled.

Tinky Winky: "How was your night? Mine was..."

Anna: "What was the music like?"

T-W (Playing with shirt collar to reveal huge lovebite): "Handbaggy mostly. I would have come home hours ago but..."

Dylan (to approving nod from Anna): "Did Man U win today?"

T-W: "How would I know? What is the matter with you lot? Dylan, you hate football as much as I do."

Dylan: "Erm, no, I'm really into it now."

T-W: "Since when?"

Dylan: "Since, erm, now."

T-W "Have you all dropped acid?"

5.30am: Tinky-Winky dying to tell us about his debauched evening so badly that his eyes are almost popping out of his head.

T-W: "Listen. I'm trying to tell you all something."

Anna: "Is Breakfast With Frost on yet?"

T-W: "It's 5.30am, Anna. Now will you just please..."

Me: "Have you had a haircut?"

T-W (nearly crying with frustration): NO! Now will you all please listen. I was at Heaven and I was just going home, when I... (Anna starts speaking, but he is shouting over her) SPOTTED MADONNA AND SHE'S APPARENTLY HAVING THIS PARTY IN THE WEST END AND ITS GOING ON NOW BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO ON MY OWN SO WILL YOU ALL PLEASE COME?"

Anna: "Jesus, why didn't you say so before?"

News
people
News
people And here is why...
News
peopleStella McCartney apologises over controversial Instagram picture
Life and Style
Laid bare: the Good2Go app ensures people have a chance to make their intentions clear about having sex
techCould Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Arts and Entertainment
Richard Burr remains the baker to beat on the Great British Bake Off
tvRichard remains the baker to beat as Chetna begins to flake
News
i100
Sport
footballArsenal 4 Galatasaray 1: Wenger celebrates 18th anniversary in style
Arts and Entertainment
Amazon has added a cautionary warning to Tom and Jerry cartoons on its streaming service
tv
News
people
News
The village was originally named Llansanffraid-ym-Mechain after the Celtic female Saint Brigit, but the name was changed 150 years ago to Llansantffraid – a decision which suggests the incorrect gender of the saint
newsWelsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?
Arts and Entertainment
Kristen Scott Thomas in Electra at the Old Vic
theatreReview: Kristin Scott Thomas is magnificent in a five-star performance of ‘Electra’
Life and Style
Couples who boast about their relationship have been condemned as the most annoying Facebook users
tech
Arts and Entertainment
Hayley Williams performs with Paramore in New York
musicParamore singer says 'Steal Your Girl' is itself stolen from a New Found Glory hit
News
i100
Life and Style
The spring/summer 2015 Louis Vuitton show for Paris Fashion Week
fashion
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Associate Recrutiment Consultant

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: SThree Group have been well ...

    Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + OTE: SThree: Real Staffing Group is seeking Traine...

    Year 6 Teacher (interventions)

    £120 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: We have an exciting opportunity...

    PMLD Teacher

    Competitive: Randstad Education Manchester: SEN Teacher urgently required for ...

    Day In a Page

    Italian couples fake UK divorce scam on an ‘industrial scale’

    Welcome to Maidenhead, the divorce capital of... Italy

    A look at the the legal tourists who exploited our liberal dissolution rules
    Time to stop running: At the start of Yom Kippur and with anti-Semitism flourishing, one Jew can no longer ignore his identity

    Time to stop running

    At the start of Yom Kippur and with anti-Semitism flourishing, one Jew can no longer ignore his identity
    Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

    Tom and Jerry cartoons now carry a 'racial prejudice' warning on Amazon

    The vintage series has often been criticised for racial stereotyping
    An app for the amorous: Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?

    An app for the amorous

    Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
    Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid. Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?

    Llansanffraid is now Llansantffraid

    Welsh town changes its name, but can you spot the difference?
    Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

    Charlotte Riley: At the peak of her powers

    After a few early missteps with Chekhov, her acting career has taken her to Hollywood. Next up is a role in the BBC’s gangster drama ‘Peaky Blinders’
    She's having a laugh: Britain's female comedians have never had it so good

    She's having a laugh

    Britain's female comedians have never had it so good, says stand-up Natalie Haynes
    Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LED lights designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows

    Let there be light

    Sistine Chapel to ‘sing’ with new LEDs designed to bring Michelangelo’s masterpiece out of the shadows
    Great British Bake Off, semi-final, review: Richard remains the baker to beat

    Tensions rise in Bake Off's pastry week

    Richard remains the baker to beat as Chetna begins to flake
    Paris Fashion Week, spring/summer 2015: Time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris

    A look to the future

    It's time travel fashion at Louis Vuitton in Paris
    The 10 best bedspreads

    The 10 best bedspreads

    Before you up the tog count on your duvet, add an extra layer and a room-changing piece to your bed this autumn
    Stuart Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

    Lancaster’s long-term deal makes sense – a rarity for a decision taken by the RFU

    This deal gives England a head-start to prepare for 2019 World Cup, says Chris Hewett
    Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

    The children orphaned by Ebola...

    ... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
    Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

    Are censors pandering to homophobia?

    US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
    The magic of roundabouts

    Lords of the rings

    Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?