Just shut up and listen, can't you?


Sunday 12.01am: Have invented new game called Fox Hunting, in honour of failed government bill. Rules are that when someone comes over to talk to you, you must never allow them to get to their point. "It's a form of filibustering," I explain to Dylan, who looks perplexed. "But isn't that a bit mean?" he says. "I mean, like, say someone wants to say something really really important and you're just rambling about crap?" "Exactly," says Anna. "It's a blood sport."

First visitor of the night is Vikram, who is trying to persuade us to go to club with him.

Vikram: "Hi everyone. I was just wondering whether..."

Anna: "Good shirt, Vikram."

Vikram (taken aback): "Erm, glad you like it. What are you guys doing..."

Me: "Fancy a spliff?"

Vikram: "Erm, yeah, thanks. Now, what I came round to..."

Anna: "I could almost fancy you in that shirt..."

Vikram (flustered): "Are you lot all on coke?"

Me: "This far from pay day?"

Vikram: "Oh well, if you're all skint there's no point asking you to this club I'm going to later."

Anna: "No there isn't really."

Vikram: "Oh."

Long pause in which me and Anna reflect that our parliamentary skills mean we should end up in the Commons any day now.

3.20am: Knock at door. It's Mel A, who only ever drops by when she needs to score some weed. Anna digs Dylan in the ribs: "Remember, the rules are, don't let her get to the point."

Mel A: "Hi guys. I know it's a bit of a cheek, like, but I thought you might have some spare..."

Dylan: "Gear? Yeah. How much d'you want?"

Exit Mel A.

3.30am: "Dylan," says Anna. "Did you understand the rules at all?" Dylan frowns. "Maybe, that wasn't, like her point as such. She might have wanted some gear, but the real point of her coming over was to tell us her house had, like, burned down." Suddenly remember that Dylan has never got to grips with the rules of Connect 4.

5am: Tinky-Winky gets back from club. He clearly wants us to ask whether he pulled.

Tinky Winky: "How was your night? Mine was..."

Anna: "What was the music like?"

T-W (Playing with shirt collar to reveal huge lovebite): "Handbaggy mostly. I would have come home hours ago but..."

Dylan (to approving nod from Anna): "Did Man U win today?"

T-W: "How would I know? What is the matter with you lot? Dylan, you hate football as much as I do."

Dylan: "Erm, no, I'm really into it now."

T-W: "Since when?"

Dylan: "Since, erm, now."

T-W "Have you all dropped acid?"

5.30am: Tinky-Winky dying to tell us about his debauched evening so badly that his eyes are almost popping out of his head.

T-W: "Listen. I'm trying to tell you all something."

Anna: "Is Breakfast With Frost on yet?"

T-W: "It's 5.30am, Anna. Now will you just please..."

Me: "Have you had a haircut?"

T-W (nearly crying with frustration): NO! Now will you all please listen. I was at Heaven and I was just going home, when I... (Anna starts speaking, but he is shouting over her) SPOTTED MADONNA AND SHE'S APPARENTLY HAVING THIS PARTY IN THE WEST END AND ITS GOING ON NOW BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO ON MY OWN SO WILL YOU ALL PLEASE COME?"

Anna: "Jesus, why didn't you say so before?"

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