LA life

Anyone who introduces himself as a former model who gave Fabio all his best hairdressing tips has to be a little strange... It was after a couple of months that a more sane neighbour got wind of Trad's true profession

Now that my neighbours and I have all finally found out what the mysterious, tattooed gent in number eight does for a living, it explains exactly why we all knew there was something "different" about him from the start.

"Hi, I'm Trad," he said, with a long, lingering handshake and the kind of glazed expression that one learns to recognise in this town as too much marijuana. "I'm new around here."

Of course, I already knew that. Anyone who is actually flattered by being chatted up by the bathing belles who hang around the complex swimming pool all day has to be new. And anyone who introduces himself as a former model who gave Fabio all his best hairdressing tips (as if you are even interested) has to be a little strange.

"No really, Fabio and I used to work together all the time," Trad continued, as he shuffled on my doorstep, perhaps hoping to be invited in.

"When I grew my hair long, so did Fabio. When I started doing romance novel covers, so did he. I think he looks up to me, somewhat.

"But I've moved on into acting now. Actually, I'm surprised you haven't heard my name before."

I am not sure what Fabio, the muscle-bound calendar pin-up who has become a millionaire and celebrity on the strength of his modelling career, would have to say about his self-proclaimed front-runner. I sometimes see the Italian stallion eating his egg-white omelette at a health restaurant up on the Sunset strip near here. He certainly looks nothing like Trad, who would best be described as emaciated beside him.

But why spoil the limp-wrist's illusions?

It was after a couple of months that a more sane neighbour got wind of Trad's true profession. An airing of an adult entertainment film on one cable TV channel gave it away.

Trad, it seems, was not all hot air. He has turned out to not be just an everyday porn actor: a wayward piece of mail that was opened in error by another neighbour confirmed that he was, indeed, a superstar.

His penis is insured for a million dollars. It has, apparently, broken records for remaining erect over long periods of time.