Sleeping around: Gritty sex
'My first thought once we're intimate is: how long before I can get kinky?'
Thursday 18 September 2008
I often let my fantasies run wild in bed. Right before the moment of orgasm I could be thinking of anyone from Angelina Jolie to a random guy from work, or a snippet of girl-on-girl action I saw on YouPorn.
But recently I got a shock when I closed my eyes when I was with a new man and the person who popped into my head was my ex, Charles.
I'm not sure whether it's pheromones, facial recognition or some kind of twisted Darwinian logic, but for some reason it's often the guys who are least well-suited emotionally who fit the bill sexually. Charles was clearly bad for me, yet I was was irresistibly drawn to him.
People often make generalisations that women want romance, and men want gritty sex.
This may be true in some cases, but personally, when I meet a new man, my first thought once we are intimate is: how long before I can start to get kinky without scaring the hell out of him? Charles didn't run, even when I pulled out the male sex toys. In fact, he took control.
We didn't have long chats about our feelings, or take sensual bubble baths together. But he understood that I want rape fantasies, not rose petals. I crave hair pulling, nail-scratching, heart-pounding sex.
He used to text me in the middle of the afternoon with explicit instructions about what to wear usually very tall stilettos, a corset and lacy knickers. He would describe in detail how he planned to bend me over the chair, spanking me and telling me that how much I loved it. And I did.
My dates since Charles haven't quite matched up. I've tried to re-create our hot afternoons, most recently by asking a lovely British man who adores me to talk dirty in the heat of the moment. "Baby, how does that feel?" I asked, as I climbed on top of him. And what was his response? "Rather inviting".
Attraction is complex, and often unconscious. Since I'm so used to taking control in every other social and sexual situation, I'm drawn to men who make me feel vulnerable and know how to take charge. And because Charles was 6ft 5in and lean, we were a great match physically.
I have had ex-boyfriends tell me that they were freaked out by the idea of BDSM-style sex because it "wasn't intimate".
But I think that the most intimate moments happen naturally, when you have a brilliant conversation, catch the flu for the first time and take care of each other, or brave the comfortable silence during a car road trip.
Trite romantic rituals like Valentine's Day and moonlit cruises don't turn me on they leave me cold because they seem so forced. I've even tried Tantric sex, and I just find it boring. Who the hell has the time?
I'm much more into the spontaneous, filthy banter that Charles and I perfected. Still, I haven't given up on the new guy. Last night, when we were at dinner at he told me how lovely I was, I whispered: "Actually, I can be a filthy slut. Fancy tying me to the bed face down and spanking me?"
He smiled and raised an eyebrow. "That sounds lovely, darling. We'll definitely do that after the coffee."
Hey, it's a start.
Life & Style blogs
Scottish independence referendum: A nation divided against itself
Scottish referendum results: Cross-party consensus collapses amid Tory-Labour spat on the 'English question'
Scottish independence: David Cameron is becoming the 'George Bush of Britain'
Plebgate MP Andrew Mitchell called officer a 'little s**t', claim court documents 'exposing ex-Chief Whip's 'record of abusing police'
Hilary Mantel 'should be investigated by police' over Margaret Thatcher assassination story, says Lord Bell
Archbishop of Canterbury admits doubts about existence of God
- 1 Hilary Mantel 'should be investigated by police' over Margaret Thatcher assassination story, says Lord Bell
- 2 Stamford Hill council removes 'unacceptable' posters telling women which side of the road to walk down
- 3 Kim Kardashian 'nude pictures' leaked on 4chan weeks after Jennifer Lawrence 'The Fappening' scandal
- 4 Alex Salmond: 'The rocks would melt with the sun before I'd ever set foot in the House of Lords'
- 5 Ice Bucket Challenge: US firefighter Tony Grider dies after participating in charity craze near power lines
£70000 - £80000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Group Head of Marketing and Communic...
Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Level 3 Nursery Nurse required for ...
Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: L3 Nursery Nurses urgently required...
Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: We have a number of schools based S...