Sex doctor: How to make a clean break

Telling someone you don't love them any more must be done face to face. It's necessary for the person to see you saying the words "It's over", so they can have some sense of closure. Your feelings are secondary in this situation the idea is to make it as painless as possible for them. For this reason, do the deed as soon as you're sure it's finished. It's normal to feel upset at the prospect of hurting them, but staying until you think they're "ready" isn't helping either of you. Here's a his'n'hers guide to telling your partner that it's over sensitively.

FOR HER

Women hate hurting anyone. Look, you will feel guilty while you're telling him. But leading someone on is even more cruel. What's the alternative anyway? You don't want to share your denture glass with this guy, or even another Saturday night fobbing him off. So get to it.

*Decide what you're going to say

*Do whatever it takes to get the message across to him that you are not happy. In other words, make sure he's had at least a few days (if you can manage it, a few weeks) warning he's about to be dumped.

*Sit him down and deliver the speech. Most men react one of two ways to a dumping: they gaze at you with a hurt, glazed expression on their face, listen to what you have to say then leave without saying much at all. Or they get angry and accuse you of all sorts. (If he's the angry type and you're worried he'll become violent, do it in a public place with a male friend sitting outside in the car.) If he didn't say much, call him the next day.

Women think on their feet and tend to ask the "but why?" questions there and then. Men may not be as articulate and/or they may be in shock. He probably only heard half of what you said because "I can't believe she's doing this" took over his brain. It could take a few hours to sink in and often, he'll call you then or the next day to find out the whys. If he doesn't, and he didn't say much when you delivered your speech, you call him. Ask if he's okay and if there's anything that he doesn't understand.

*Call one of his friends. The one you got on the best with. Just say, "Look. I just thought you should know I've just broken it off with X. He might need a bit of cheering up."

FOR HIM

Men hate dumping women because women cry. Most of you would rather go to a poetry reading than dole out the tissues and that's why you always try the silent dump before anything else. This involves beam-me-up-Scotty type behaviour, that is, pretending you just don't exist any more. But it's not cricket, and if you truly do want her out of your life for good, there are quicker, kinder, more effective ways.

Women need reasons for things. If you give us a pretty plausible reason why you don't want to go out any more, we'll still be upset, but at least we'll know why. We need to make sense of things before we can move on.

*First up, decide on a reason. If you don't want to tell the truth (for example, that you're bonking someone else) or your reason is so trivial even you think it makes you sound bad (eg, her new haircut is just awful), come up with a plausible lie. Even clichs such as "I'm too busy at work for a relationship" are better than nothing. If it's possible, make it something that makes us believe you did once love us, even if you don't now.

*Choose your time. Make it sooner rather than later, but be sensitive. If her father's just been rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack, the emergency ward is not the time or place. Avoid significant dates such as Christmas, her birthday, the anniversary of when you first met. Don't do it in a public place, and if you're really nice, check her best friend's not sunning herself in Bali on the weekend you choose.

*Get it over and done with. Look at her and say, "X, I'm really sorry but I think we should split up. I think you're a terrific person but I don't see this heading anywhere." Follow it up with the reason you thought of, then wait for her to react.

*Hang around long enough to answer her questions. She'll throw them at you like dinner plates (those too, possibly). "Did you ever love me?" "Is there someone else?" and "How could you hurt me like this?" You can ease the blow by at least looking suitably upset. Tell her the truth as much as possible. If you didn't ever love her, say, "X, I loved you in lots of ways but not in the way you wanted me to."

When it becomes clear there's nothing more to say, leave. If she's in a real mess, ask her if you can call someone to come around. Even if she says no, call her best friend the minute you're out of the door. Yes, they will give you a hard time, but that's all part of it, I'm afraid.

Adapted from "Hot Relationships", by Tracey Cox (Corgi, 9.99).

Visit LoveHoney for relationship tips and advice from Tracey Cox. Every week, Tracey answers questions from visitors to the site.