It's a new year, so perhaps you’ll get that job, the credit card bill will shrink, and you’ll find a new partner who you can share your life with.
Well, I can’t do anything about the job or the bill, but as a relationship counsellor I can help you take a closer look at what a new relationship might look like.
What do you want - and what can you offer?
First off, let's consider where you are at now. Are you in a relationship that’s not working for you? Have you been on your own for a while and now feel it’s time to find someone?
And, just as importantly, what are you looking for? Is it rampant sex and that hypnotic rush - who cares if it all blows over? Or perhaps something that feels more like a cosy pair of slippers, that’s welcoming, comforting and you always know where to find? Maybe it’s a mixture of both.
But before you spring into action, give a few thoughts as to why your previous relationships may not have worked out as you’d hoped. This is always a good place to start when thinking about looking for a prospective partner. It’s funny how we tend to think about what we most want to get from a relationship rather than considering what we might have to offer and what others might find tricky about us.
If you’ve had lots of relationships, have you always been the one to end things? Do you find it difficult to be too close to someone else? Or perhaps you tend to find you run out of patience with their initially loveable little quirks and foibles, giving rise to a swift retreat.
Maybe you’re someone who has had few relationships, or nothing that you would class as one. If that’s the case, are you always waiting for the other person to make the first move? Are your "standards" of Olympian heights and impossible for anyone to meet? Let’s face it, having a few standards is always going to be a good idea but Relate counsellors all over the country see clients who long for someone special in their lives but repeatedly reject likely candidates because they never seem able to meet all their needs and desires.
The link to childhood
Sometimes this can be explained by what we learn about relationships as children.
Being truly loved by a parent or care giver is not the same as having every last wish granted, and its surprising how often these two get confused and make it difficult for us to recognise that partners have needs too.
Likewise if we haven’t always felt loved and cared for as a child, trusting someone to undertake that role in adult life can feel a step too far, so it’s just easier to end a new relationship (or even one that’s been around for a while) because the worry about being rejected first can feel very scary indeed.
Being the one to always do the rejecting can feel like a powerful place to be in, but this often leads to a sense of loss that can be difficult to bear.
Boosting your confidence
If you are single, consider whether you are definitely ready for a new relationship. It’ll be easier to attract a happy, confident partner if you are happy and confident in yourself, so give your self-esteem a little attention if it’s on the low side.
The Relate Guide to Finding Love is a book I’d recommend as contains a plan to help boost your self-esteem and attract the right partner. Coming to Relate for individual counselling may also be a good option, particularly for those struggling with self esteem and past relationships.
Looking elsewhere while in a relationship
If you’re currently with someone and not feeling hopeful about things, it may be an idea to explain exactly how you feel and what you think might need to change. It’s often the case that when we’re unhappy in a relationship it comes as quite a surprise to find that our partner is equally unhappy.
One of the most common issues in couple counselling is saying the say thing in the same way. This is inclined to make anyone stop listening. But often changing your approach; expressing how you feel in different ways and inviting a partner to do the same can work wonders in helping couples to find better means of resolving problems and general unhappiness. So, looking for someone new becomes a redundant issue.
But if you feel that the end is nigh, then being clear with a partner is usually a very good idea, unless of course you’re fearful of the consequences of taking that step in which case you should seek professional help to keep safe.
Love and sex news: in pictures
Love and sex news: in pictures
1/20 Male contraceptive gel that 'blocks sperm' could be available in less than two years
A new injectable contraceptive for men could be on the market as soon as 2018, US researchers hope. Currently, men are limited to options including condoms and a vasectomy if they want to protect their partner from pregnancy. Scientists have said that the new method will be long-lasting and reversible, without the need for men to take hormones to supress fertility. Vasagel works by blocking the duct from which sperm leaves the testes and enters the urethra: the canal where semen and urine leave the penis. The contraceptive is administered by an injection into the vas deferens
2/20 Heartbreak can actually change the rhythm of your heart
Losing a loved one really can break your heart, research suggests, although not for ever. People who lose a partner are at an increased risk of developing an irregular heartbeat for the next 12 months, scientists found. The risk seems to be greatest among the under 60s and when the loss of the partner was least expected
3/20 'Weird' sexual fetishes are actually very normal
A number of sexual fetishes considered anomalous in psychiatry are actually common in the general population, a study has found. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), sexual interests fall into two categories: normal (normophilic) and anomalous (paraphilic). Researchers asked 1,040 Quebec residents, representative of the general population, about their experiences of sexual behaviour considered abnormal by the DSM-5. The study, published in The Journal of Sex Research, found that of the eight types of anomalous behaviour listed in the DSM-5, four were found to be neither rare or unusual among the experiences and desires reported by men and women
4/20 Gym 'used as a hook-up spot'
People who hope to find love and get fit in the New Year may find it surprisingly easy to tick off both goals, as a new survey has revealed that half of adults use the gym as a hook-up venue, while a quarter admit to having sex there. Apparently not put off by the surroundings, a new survey of how Britons behave in the gym has found that 25 per cent claimed to have had sex there at least once in the past 12 months
5/20 Erectile dysfunction 'linked to risk of early death'
Men who suffer from erectile dysfunction (ED) are 70 per cent more likely to die early, a new study has found. US scientists believe that the disorder may be linked to poor cardiovascular health, and suggested that men with ED should be screened for health issues that could cut their lives short
6/20 39 per cent of workers have sex at Christmas parties
The festive season may be a time for good will and sharing – but it’s also apparently the perfect excuse to hook-up with the cute person from accounts, according to a survey which has revealed that 39 per cent of people have had sex at their work Christmas party. Even more people admitted that the annual knees-up offered the chance to kiss a co-worker, with over locking lips at the event. A survey of 2,000 UK adults by high-street lingerie retailer Ann Summers revealed that IT and HR are the professions most likely to snog or have sex with a colleague or get incredibly drunk at the Christmas party, at 63 per cent and 56 per cent respectively.This was compared with 27 per cent of those in education and 29 per cent in health
7/20 Durex calls for a condom emoji
Emojis have come a long way in recent years - since they were first integrated into Unicode in 2010, we've gained emojis of all different ethnicities, emojis for every flag in the world, and even the middle finger emoji. However, we're still missing a condom emoji. Durex wants to change that. It's easy to suggest sex with emojis (think aubergine, peach, the 'OK' sign), but there's nothing that shows safe sex. So, to coincide with World AIDS Day on 1 December, Durex is encouraging its customers to call upon the Unicode Consortium, who oversee the introduction of new emoji, to give the world a condom emoji in their next update
8/20 Spliting the housework equally is the secret to a better sex life
Better communication, getting more exercise, oysters, more date nights, time away from the kids – these are just a few common theories for how couples can improve their sex life. But now, a new study has offered up a different one, suggesting that the key to being more satisfied between the sheets could in part be down to taking it in turns to wash them. According to the study from the University of Alberta, couples enjoyed more frequent and satisfying sex for both partners when the housework is split equally across men and women
9/20 Arguing with a partner is beneficial
Arguing in a relationship is not often seen as having a positive impact on both partners. But a new study from US psychologists suggests that if each party feels understood, falling out does not have a detrimental impact on their satisfaction in the relationship. Researchers at the University of California said feeling understood appeared to improve a relationship on its own, regardless of any practical consequence of that understanding. And when people felt their partners understood them, the conflict was not only not harmful but actually good for the relationship
10/20 Ireland gay marriage
Same-sex couples in the Republic of Ireland can officially get married after the country voted overwhelmingly for the change in a referendum in May. Legislation legalising gay civil marriage, passed following the vote, came into effect on 16 November 2015. The first couples to be affected will be gay couples who married legally abroad – whose unions will now automatically be recognised by the Irish state. But the race is now on to see who which couple will become the first gay newlyweds to legally marry in Eire itself
11/20 'Female Viagra' approved
A drug dubbed the ‘female Viagra’ has finally been approved by the US Food and Drug administration but concerns have been raised over the drug’s possible side effects. Flibanserin, produced by Sprout Pharmaceuticals, was approved by the FDA on the third application in five years – after twice failing over concerns regarding possible side-effects.
12/20 Grindr users surveyed on sexual preferences
Grindr users are not that gay, at least according to a new survey. More than 300 users on the gay dating app, contacted by Pink News as part of an informal study, did not identifying as exclusively attracted to men. The study used the Kinsey scale, based on the work of sexologist Alfred Kinsey, which ranges from 0 (exclusively straight) to 6 (exclusively gay) and also allows identification as asexual (X). Pink News found that the average answer was around five, with the most frequent answer being five, followed by six and then four when they contacted users from their office in central London.
13/20 Watching porn does not cause negative attitudes to women
The average porn user may have more egalitarian views towards women than non-users, a contentious new study has suggested. Researchers at Western University in Canada have even argued that many pornography fans might be “useful allies” in women’s struggles for equality in the workplace and in public office. They reported in the Journal of Sex Research that the 23 per cent of people who said they had watched an “X-rated” film during the previous year were no more or less likely to identify as feminists than those who did not watch porn.
14/20 The characteristics of men who pay for sex
Men who pay for sex share similar traits to rapists and sex offenders, according to new research. A study from University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), claims that men who have sex with female sex workers feel less empathy for them than men who do not buy sex. Part of this reason is due to the fact that they view them as "intrinsically different from other women,” according to the authors.
15/20 How much sex we have (and how much we'd like)
As a nation, we don’t have as much sex as we would like, a survey has (somewhat unsurprisingly) confirmed. In a poll of 1523 people by YouGov, 64 per cent of Britons said they would wish to have sex at least a few times a month. The same sample said that only 38 per cent had sex at least a few times a month. In addition, 10 per cent said they wished to have sex every day, a goal which only 1 per cent admitted reaching.
16/20 One per cent of Britons 'have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all'
An estimated 1% of Britons have almost no interest in sexual activity, according to researchers. The identity, which describes rarely or never experiencing sexual attraction, has moved from a diagnosis of mental disorder in the past to a sexual orientation in its own right today. As public interest in “asexuality” grows, researchers at Glasgow University have found that romance and intimacy is still very much on the cards for those who take the label.
17/20 Women really are more attracted to men who make them laugh
Researchers at an American university have claimed that humour is a key factor in human “sexual selection”, with women appearing to be more attracted to men who make them laugh. Jeffrey Hall, an associate professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, found that when two strangers meet, the more times a man tries to be funny and a woman laughs, the more likely she is to be interested in dating. The reverse was not true for women who attempted humour, according to his study “Sexual Selection and Humour in Courtship: A Case for Warmth and Extroversion,” which has been published in the Evolutionary Psychology journal.
18/20 What makes a perfect penis?
Scientists have now answered one of these great unknowns. According to a new study, “general cosmetic appearance” is the most important penile aspect when it comes to what women value down there. This is swiftly followed by the appearance of pubic hair, penile skin, and girth. Length comes in at number six, with the look of the scrotum trailing closely behind. The least important facet of the phallus, say the scientists, is the “position and shape of meatus”, the vertical slit at the opening of the urethra.
19/20 Students who marry after studying the same subject
Picking a university subject is already difficult enough for young people. But here’s an extra piece of data to weigh on your decision: you may be picking a life partner as well. Dan Kopf of the blog, Priceonomics, analysed US Census data and found that the percentage of Americans who marry someone within their own major is actually fairly high. About half of Americans are married, according to the 2012 American Community Survey (part of the Census). And about 28 per cent of married couples over the age of 22 both graduated from college. (The survey didn’t recognise same-sex marriages for the 2012 data, but it will for 2013 onwards, says Kopf)
20/20 Half of divorcees had doubts on their wedding day
Over half of divorcees considered abandoning their husband or wife-to-be at the altar on their wedding day, a new study has revealed. On top of likely worrying about wedding favours and making sure guests behave on their big day, 49 per cent of divorcees admitted they were unsure before the ceremony that their marriage would last. Some 15 per cent of divorcees polled said they were so wracked with doubt that they felt physically sick in the run up to their wedding.
Let’s imagine that you’ve moved on and feel ready to fall in love. First off, don’t ignore what’s staring you in the face. We often miss opportunities for love because the person in front of us has maybe always been "just a friend".
Love isn’t always easy to spot. Taking a good look around and maybe then taking a chance on getting to know someone a bit better can reap handsome rewards. Of course internet dating offers mammoth opportunities and there are sites to cater for every taste.
However, more traditional methods such as meeting people through friends or through a shared interest shouldn’t be forgotten. And don’t be in a rush. While it’s true that some people instantly "know" they’ve found "the one", there’s nothing wrong with taking time to see what develops.
Finally, trust your instincts. If you think there’s something wrong, try and communicate this to give your partner a chance to understand what you’re worried about and explain their side of things. Communication is key, as well as being prepared to take a risk on something new: knowing that although it might not be exactly what you want, you’re both prepared to share enough with each other to see if things can get better.
So, throw caution to the wind – someone out there is waiting for you.
Ammanda Major is Senior Consultant on Sex Therapy at Relate. Relate offers counselling for couples but also for individuals, including people who are looking to find love.Reuse content