Should I break up with my partner before Valentine's Day?

Relate relationship counsellor Ammanda Major explains what to do if you are considering splitting up before the most romantic day of the year

(Mixmike/iStock)

Just after Valentine’s Day is one of the most popular times of the year for people to break up with their partners, according to a study based on analysis of Facebook data. But if you know your relationship isn’t working, should you really put off ending things until after Valentine’s Day or any other big event for that matter? When considering this, perhaps the first thing to think of is who’s feelings you are really worried about.

Given that Valentine’s Day has developed into something significant for many people, dumping your partner any time near the day (however carefully you do this) is likely to be viewed by your now ex and everyone they’ve ever known as a really rotten thing to do. So depending how sensitive you are is likely to dictate the amount of guilt you feel if you go ahead and ditch your partner.

Of course, in real life, the end of a relationship is usually going to be a painful business, especially if it’s only you that wants to move on. Counselling rooms everywhere are filled with couples where it’s often impossible to make progress because each client wants the polar opposite to their partner, which roughly translated means one’s "in" and one’s "out". Of course a big part of our work is helping couples to end things in the least damaging way possible and to enable them to understand things about themselves and each other that may have contributed to the break down. Nonetheless as the song goes, "Breaking up is Hard To Do".

Lots of us think about Valentine’s Day as some sort of milestone. It’s certainly true that jewellers tend to be a bit busy around this time and maybe you’re worried that because things between you have been going so well, that a proposal of some sort is expected - from marriage to living together or just a declaration of love. Whatever you think might be being expected of you, if you’re just not ready, unsure or definitely decided that the person you’re with isn’t for you in the long term (but will do for the time being), then breaking up might seem like a the easiest thing to do. That way you’ll avoid feeling under pressure and seeing the disappointment in their face as Valentine’s Day comes and goes and there’s still nothing to phone home about.

But surely the better way to decide if splitting is the best way forward is to actually talk with your other half about the relationship and how you both see the future. Honesty is usually the best policy with things like this and making the time to talk together, even if things have been tough, is likely to help to actually see what’s working well or what needs to change. It can even lead to conversations about whether the change required is actually do-able. It’s an idea to remember that we can’t be everything to one person; we really do have a responsibility for our own happiness. So if you feel you’re being asked to make too many adjustments then maybe moving on is the best thing that can happen, regardless of whether it’s close to Valentine’s Day.

So, taking time to find out what’s working or not is the antithesis of feeling under pressure to take a knee jerk reaction as the big day looms. Most partners would appreciate understanding how we’re feeling and prefer this to a big proposal that fizzles out later on, or being ‘let go’ without any appreciation of why this has happened. Although others may be gazing fondly at engagement rings or estate agent windows together, don’t be fooled into rushing things. Love also waits for those who take their time.