King Size Dick, a popular Cologne singer, has escaped unhurt from a fire. He was given the name `King Size' while singing in Britain during the Sixties. His local fans added `Dick' (German for `fat') because of his girth.

King Size Dick

Come back to Britain, King Size

The country needs you now.

The Spice Girls and Oasis

Are not enough somehow.

An entry in the pop charts

Might help to do the trick,

Your anxious fans are sighing

"Zugaben,* King Size Dick!"

The early realisation

Your given name, Heinz Ganss,

In Sixties terms was lacking

The requisite romance

Would prompt remedial


A legend which might stick.

Some other bloke got `Elvis',

So you chose `King Size Dick'.

You should be seen in London,

Not cloistered in Cologne,

And, if correctly handled,

You'll stand up on your own.

When destiny demands it,

You cannot take your pick:

Your country got The Beetles,

So give us King Size Dick

* Zugaben = `give us more'

Martin Newell's new book, `The Wild Man of Wivenhoe', is available at pounds 7.00 from Festival Books, Literature Dept, Essex University, Colchester C04 3SQ