Man's world

RECENTLY I have been wondering whether I should go to the pub. When I hear men at dinner parties or christening lunches talking about the pub, I feel I'm missing out on something. Why am I sitting at home with my wife, drinking wine and watching Changing Rooms, when everyone else is at the pub? What kind of bloke am I?

There are two big problems with me going to the pub. The first is that not I'm not sure what my wife would say if I suddenly announced I was going to it. I've never tried it before. She might object, or worse, she might dare me to go. The second problem is that I don't know anyone there. I don't see why I should miss Newsnight just so I can go out and drink by myself. Maybe I should send my wife to the pub. I could give her a tenner and tell her not to come back until she's drunk herself friendly. Then I could drink by myself and watch Newsnight.

My local pub is not exactly what I mean by a pub anyway. It serves warm squid salad and has an excellent wine list. I cannot complain about this. In its pre-gastropub incarnation, my local was a terrible place, filled with fruit machines and the sort of people whose moral code could best be summed up as "Don't Grass". I was afraid of the old pub. I am not afraid of the new pub, in fact I rather like it, although I wouldn't feel comfortable just dropping in for a swift half a Cabernet without making a reservation first.

Of course, it isn't the only pub around. There's another a bit further down the road which has one of those faintly disturbing patriotic names, something like The Rule Britannia. Colin goes there. Colin is the man who has been painting our house on and off for the last four years, and over that time, most of The Rule Britannia's clientele have been fetched over to ours by Colin to do little bits of work: dodgy tiling, dodgy plumbing, dodgy heating engineering, dodgy everything. I've often imagined going along to meet Colin and enjoying a pint and a laugh at my own expense with all the people who've ripped me off over the years, but I know this wouldn't work. For a start, Colin is unable to recognise me in public, despite having known me for four years. I saw him in the street the other day, a few hours after I'd left him in my kitchen, and he called me Baz. He's weird about his private time, and I have to respect that.

So I sit here with my wife, drinking wine, watching Changing Rooms and imagining a cosy little pub where everyone is animatedly discussing sport and politics, forming into groups for the trivia quiz, drinking themselves taut and showing each other tricks with coins and beer mats. And I think, even if there is such a place, it'll be bloody miles away.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Dublin

    £13676.46 - £16411.61 per annum + OTE: SThree: SThree Trainee Recruitment Cons...

    Ashdown Group: Marketing or Business Graduate Opportunity - Norwich - £22,000

    £18000 - £22000 per annum + training: Ashdown Group: Business and Marketing Gr...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £20000 - £25000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Are you great at building rela...

    Ashdown Group: Database Analyst - Birmingham - £22,000 plus benefits

    £20000 - £22000 per annum + excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Application Sup...

    Day In a Page

    General Election 2015: Ed Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

    Miliband's unlikely journey from hapless geek to heart-throb

    He was meant to be Labour's biggest handicap - but has become almost an asset
    Amr Darrag: Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister in exile still believes Egypt's military regime can be replaced with 'moderate' Islamic rule

    'This is the battle of young Egypt for the future of our country'

    Ex-Muslim Brotherhood minister Amr Darrag still believes the opposition can rid Egypt of its military regime and replace it with 'moderate' Islamic rule, he tells Robert Fisk
    Why patients must rely less on doctors: Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'

    Why patients must rely less on doctors

    Improving our own health is the 'blockbuster drug of the century'
    Sarah Lucas is the perfect artist to represent Britain at the Venice Biennale

    Flesh in Venice

    Sarah Lucas has filled the British pavilion at the Venice Biennale with slinky cats and casts of her female friends' private parts. It makes you proud to be a woman, says Karen Wright
    11 best anti-ageing day creams

    11 best anti-ageing day creams

    Slow down the ageing process with one of these high-performance, hardworking anti-agers
    Juventus 2 Real Madrid 1: Five things we learnt, including Iker Casillas is past it and Carlos Tevez remains effective

    Juventus vs Real Madrid

    Five things we learnt from the Italian's Champions League first leg win over the Spanish giants
    Ashes 2015: Test series looks a lost cause for England... whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket

    Ashes series looks a lost cause for England...

    Whoever takes over as ECB director of cricket, says Stephen Brenkley
    Fishing for votes with Nigel Farage: The Ukip leader shows how he can work an audience as he casts his line to the disaffected of Grimsby

    Fishing is on Nigel Farage's mind

    Ukip leader casts a line to the disaffected
    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East? It's amazing they don't all hit each other

    Who is bombing whom in the Middle East?

    Robert Fisk untangles the countries and factions
    China's influence on fashion: At the top of the game both creatively and commercially

    China's influence on fashion

    At the top of the game both creatively and commercially
    Lord O’Donnell: Former cabinet secretary on the election and life away from the levers of power

    The man known as GOD has a reputation for getting the job done

    Lord O'Donnell's three principles of rule
    Rainbow shades: It's all bright on the night

    Rainbow shades

    It's all bright on the night
    'It was first time I had ever tasted chocolate. I kept a piece, and when Amsterdam was liberated, I gave it to the first Allied soldier I saw'

    Bread from heaven

    Dutch survivors thank RAF for World War II drop that saved millions
    Britain will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power - Labour

    How 'the Axe' helped Labour

    UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power
    Rare and exclusive video shows the horrific price paid by activists for challenging the rule of jihadist extremists in Syria

    The price to be paid for challenging the rule of extremists

    A revolution now 'consuming its own children'