Melinda: the year ahead

Life has changed quickly for the Page 3 girl Melinda Messenger. Ruth Picardie sees more to come

FEBRUARY

Name: magical Melinda.

Age: 22. Vital statistics: 34DD-22-34

Melinda gives her first Hello! interview (fully clothed). She is pictured at home in Swindon with dad, Terry, and younger brother, Jamie, who recently stripped off for The Star and think her new career is a "great opportunity" and "well cool"; her mother, Avis, who doesn't, is strangely absent. "I'm the first post-feminist Page Three girl," explains Melinda, who has 11 (or possibly 12) 0-levels.

MARCH

Name: massive Melinda. Age 22. Vital statistics: 36DD-26-36

Melinda has been overdoing the champagne cocktails and prawn vol-au-vents at sparkling film premieres and puts on 10lb. Fiance Wayne, 21, declares loyally that he "loves her for her mind"; Terry, who has become her manager, puts her on a diet.

APRIL

Name: malfunctioning Melinda. Age: 26. Vital statistics: 34DD-22-34

An in-depth investigation by the Daily Mail reveals Melinda's true age (26). As a result, she is dropped by Peter Mandelson as the Labour Party's youth adviser. Melinda is snapped being comforted in a nightclub by Chris Evans.

MAY

Name: Melanie Brown. Age 26. Vital statistics: 34DD-22-34

Melinda's first Hello! cover. She is pictured outside her new dream home in Surrey with Wayne and her shi-tzu dogs, Scooter and Casper. The couple talk movingly about the "pressure of fame" and preparations for their wedding next month. They are hoping that both Melinda's parents - who have, sadly, recently separated - will attend the reception, being held at the Hyde Park Hotel.

JUNE

Name: minimal Mel. Age: 26. Vital statistics. 34B-22-34

An in-depth investigation by the Daily Mail (now a Labour paper), produces irrefutable evidence that Mel's assets are man-made. During the outcry, she is snapped being comforted by Liam Gallagher. The wedding is called off. Marco Pierre White goes to court for damages, since 6,000 prawn vol- au-vents have already been made. Wayne, who has lost his job as a production supervisor and is back living with his mum and dad in Swindon, sells the couple's bedroom stories to the Daily Mail.

AUGUST

Name: thanks for the mammaries, Mel. Age: 26.

Vital statistics: none of your business

Mel announces her retirement as a glamour model. As she tells Hello!, "I want to spend more time with my family." Chris Evans ("we're just good friends") produces her first single, called: "I Am A Spice Girl". She makes number one in Finland, Luxembourg and Bosnia.

SEPTEMBER

Name: marginal Mel

Melinda announced as co-presenter of the new series of Fantasy Football. "She's knowing, she's hip, she's ironic," explains Alan Yentob. Her mum, Avis, appears on the first show as a team manager, head to head with Nick Hornby; Swindon is declared to be the new Seattle; younger brother Jamie shacks up with Patsy Kensit. "That's post-modernism, isn't it?" Melinda tells Hello!