Monday morning life
Monday 19 January 1998
Then my sister is like an Exocet missile when she gets going. I was still pondering over a pair of fatigue trousers (is it un-PC to wear them?) when she, like a dervish who has already sniffed out three bargains and terrorised a shop assistant into reducing the price on a slip dress, whirls round holding a similar but somehow more flattering pair. "I was just going to try these on," I say.
"I'll join you," she replies.
So now I have to brave the horror of the communal changing room. At least I've been ill so I'm slightly thinner than usual. (Every time I get ill I'm very happy. The feeling dreadful bit isn't great but the day off work and the lost pounds more than make up for it).
I'm sure when everyone else thinks of being Prime Minister they want to reform the welfare state or stop children smoking. I'd ban communal changing rooms.
Whenever you go in one there's always some long-limbed beauty prancing around in impossibly small bits of chiffon saying "Gosh I look dreadful" to her fat ugly friend who says "No you look wonderful". FUF shrugs on one top very quickly and takes it off, saying she looks dreadful. The beauty does not disagree.
Everyone else performs extravagant gymnastics trying to get out of jeans and a tight T-shirt and into a little black dress without more than an inch of flesh showing. Everyone tries not to look in the mirror but is really.
A fight nearly breaks out when my sister stands on a bit of chiffon by mistake. I hide in one of the few curtained -off areas.
"What d'you think?" pirouettes my sister.
"Great," yells my mum from the entrance. There is a long pause.
"What about you Glenda?"
"Oh, erm... I'm not sure about these..." I mumble.
"Do you want a bigger size?" asks my mum.
"No," I hiss back.
"Darling, I can't hear you. DO YOU WANT A BIGGER SIZE?"
"YES" I yell back.
All the sylphs turn to look. Someone giggles. There is a tearing sound. My sister has trodden on the chiffon again. She manages to get a reduction.
Life & Style blogs
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
British Muslim school children suffering a backlash of abuse following Paris attacks
9 reasons Greece's experiment with the radical left is doomed to failure
British grandmother Lindsay Sandiford faces execution by firing squad in Indonesia
Liberal Democrat minister defends comments suggesting immigration causes pub closures
- 1 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 2 Mystery man who gave mum heart-warming note on train 'wanted to put a smile on her face'
- 3 Michelle Obama highlights harsh restrictions faced by Saudi women after meeting King Salman without wearing a headscarf
- 4 Mafia's wall of silence broken: Victim of Cosa Nostra's extortion rackets in its Corleone heartland co-operates with authorities for the first time ever
- 5 Amal Clooney gives excellent answer to fashion question at European Court of Human Rights
Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: This post arises as a result of the need to...
£120 - £150 per annum: Tradewind Recruitment: I am recruiting on instruction o...
£70000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Head of Finance - Financial Controller - Fina...
£24000 - £28000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: Marketing Executive - Wim...