Monday morning life

Only suckers go shopping on a Saturday. I'm never going near a clothes shop on a weekend again. And certainly not with my mother and sister. Imagine two lithe fairies skipping around pinching imaginary rolls of fat and tutting over non-existent cellulite. I stopped discussing weight with my mother the day she trilled: "I know darling. I get so depressed if I reach 8st 7." Grrr.

Then my sister is like an Exocet missile when she gets going. I was still pondering over a pair of fatigue trousers (is it un-PC to wear them?) when she, like a dervish who has already sniffed out three bargains and terrorised a shop assistant into reducing the price on a slip dress, whirls round holding a similar but somehow more flattering pair. "I was just going to try these on," I say.

"I'll join you," she replies.

So now I have to brave the horror of the communal changing room. At least I've been ill so I'm slightly thinner than usual. (Every time I get ill I'm very happy. The feeling dreadful bit isn't great but the day off work and the lost pounds more than make up for it).

I'm sure when everyone else thinks of being Prime Minister they want to reform the welfare state or stop children smoking. I'd ban communal changing rooms.

Whenever you go in one there's always some long-limbed beauty prancing around in impossibly small bits of chiffon saying "Gosh I look dreadful" to her fat ugly friend who says "No you look wonderful". FUF shrugs on one top very quickly and takes it off, saying she looks dreadful. The beauty does not disagree.

Everyone else performs extravagant gymnastics trying to get out of jeans and a tight T-shirt and into a little black dress without more than an inch of flesh showing. Everyone tries not to look in the mirror but is really.

A fight nearly breaks out when my sister stands on a bit of chiffon by mistake. I hide in one of the few curtained -off areas.

"What d'you think?" pirouettes my sister.

"Great," yells my mum from the entrance. There is a long pause.

"What about you Glenda?"

"Oh, erm... I'm not sure about these..." I mumble.

"Do you want a bigger size?" asks my mum.

"No," I hiss back.

"Darling, I can't hear you. DO YOU WANT A BIGGER SIZE?"

"YES" I yell back.

All the sylphs turn to look. Someone giggles. There is a tearing sound. My sister has trodden on the chiffon again. She manages to get a reduction.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
Life and Style
Sainsbury's could roll the lorries out across its whole fleet if they are successful
tech
Arts and Entertainment
tv
Sport
Ojo Onaolapo celebrates winning the bronze medal
commonwealth games
Arts and Entertainment
Rock band Led Zeppelin in the early 1970s
musicLed Zeppelin to release alternative Stairway To Heaven after 43 years
Arts and Entertainment
High-flyer: Chris Pratt in 'Guardians of the Galaxy'
filmHe was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star
Arts and Entertainment
Tracey Emin's 'My Bed' is returning to the Tate more than 15 years after it first caused shockwaves at the gallery
artTracey Emin's bed returns to the Tate after record sale
Arts and Entertainment
Smart mover: Peter Bazalgette
filmHow live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Project Coordinator

    Competitive: The Green Recruitment Company: The Organisation: The Green Recrui...

    Project Manager (HR)- Bristol - Upto £400 p/day

    £350 - £400 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Project Manager (specializing in ...

    Embedded Linux Engineer

    £40000 - £50000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: Embedded Sof...

    Senior Hardware Design Engineer - Broadcast

    £50000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: Working for a m...

    Day In a Page

    Save the tiger: The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

    The animals bred for bones on China’s tiger farms

    The big cats kept in captivity to perform for paying audiences and then, when dead, their bodies used to fortify wine
    A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery all included in top 50 hidden spots in the UK

    A former custard factory, a Midlands bog and a Leeds cemetery

    Introducing the top 50 hidden spots in Britain
    Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

    Ebola epidemic: Plagued by fear

    How a disease that has claimed fewer than 2,000 victims in its history has earned a place in the darkest corner of the public's imagination
    Chris Pratt: From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

    From 'Parks and Recreation' to 'Guardians of the Galaxy'

    He was homeless in Hawaii when he got his big break. Now the comic actor Chris Pratt is Hollywood's new favourite action star
    How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

    How live cinema screenings can boost arts audiences

    Broadcasting plays and exhibitions to cinemas is a sure-fire box office smash
    Shipping container hotels: Pop-up hotels filling a niche

    Pop-up hotels filling a niche

    Spending the night in a shipping container doesn't sound appealing, but these mobile crash pads are popping up at the summer's biggest events
    Native American headdresses are not fashion accessories

    Feather dust-up

    A Canadian festival has banned Native American headwear. Haven't we been here before?
    Boris Johnson's war on diesel

    Boris Johnson's war on diesel

    11m cars here run on diesel. It's seen as a greener alternative to unleaded petrol. So why is London's mayor on a crusade against the black pump?
    5 best waterproof cameras

    Splash and flash: 5 best waterproof cameras

    Don't let water stop you taking snaps with one of these machines that will take you from the sand to meters deep
    The children were playing in the street with toy guns. The air strikes were tragically real

    The air strikes were tragically real

    The children were playing in the street with toy guns
    Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – The British, as others see us

    Britain as others see us

    Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite
    Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them altogether

    Countries that don’t survey their tigers risk losing them

    Jonathon Porritt sounds the alarm
    How did our legends really begin?

    How did our legends really begin?

    Applying the theory of evolution to the world's many mythologies
    Watch out: Lambrusco is back on the menu

    Lambrusco is back on the menu

    Naff Seventies corner-shop staple is this year's Aperol Spritz
    A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

    A new Russian revolution

    Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc