Monday morning life
Monday 02 March 1998
But after Blind Date had finished and we had checked the lottery numbers three times, we were bored. Suddenly Vanessa choked. "Oh my God, someone's being attacked in there!"
I looked across into the window of the house opposite. Certainly it looked rather exuberant for a friendly greeting. Unless, of course, the young people of today frequently bash each other's head against the wall to say hello.
"Shall we ring the police?"
"What if we're wrong?" (that was me - the typical British reaction). "Let's give it another minute or so and see."
The exuberance continued. "I don't care, I'm ringing 999," squeaked Vanessa. "Hello, yes, I'm ringing about a fight. It's in the next street to ours ... no, I don't know what number, but it's directly opposite the back of our flat which is number 23
No wonder people think we're mad.
There was a knock on our door a few minutes later. I opened it and three police burst in. I use the word accurately: they seemed to be re-enacting a scene from The Bill, pushing past us and taking up positions, radioing each other furiously. I looked at the window again. The occupants of number whatever now seemed to be the best of friends, enjoying a civilised drink together. Oh damn.
"They were fighting a minute ago," we chorused as the police at the other end reported no disturbance. I looked desperately at the window. Oh please start beating each other up again, I prayed inwardly. They didn't.
The policemen stayed around for about half an hour, cheerfully drinking our tea and remarking on our Rear Window experience, which they plainly didn't believe; but they had obviously been told to humour mad women. Vanessa and I took turns to say pathetically. "But we were really worried ... I'd rather someone rang in if they thought I was getting beaten up ... I'm really sorry ... we really did think it was a fight ... would you like another cup of tea?"
The policeman left. Number whatever continued to behave like The Waltons. "You don't think they'll guess it was us?" said Vanessa. "I don't know, but I'm not waiting to find out," I said. "Let's go hide in the pub."
Life & Style blogs
The Last of Us Remastered: Once stilted and melodramatic, Hollywood is giving acting in video games a makeover
Ebola virus: UK health officials issue warning to doctors as experts admit the outbreak 'is not under control'
Ebola outbreak: Why has a disease that's only ever killed 2,000 people captivated the darkest side of our imagination?
Government backs massive new £300m gene sequencing project
National Orgasm Day: Don't get caught up on climaxing
The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
Land for gas: Merkel and Putin discussed secret deal could end Ukraine crisis
Woman and two children killed by mob in riots over 'blasphemous' Facebook post in Pakistan
Richard Dawkins tweets: 'Date rape is bad, stranger rape is worse'
Putin is 'thuggish, dishonest and reckless', says British ambassador to US
Boozy, ignorant, intolerant, but very polite – Britain as others see us
- 1 Pope Francis issues top 10 tips for happiness
- 2 Disney heiress Abigail disowns her share of family profits in West Bank company
- 3 The secret report that helps Israel hide facts
- 5 Israel's propaganda machine is finally starting to misfire
- < Previous
- Next >
£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: One of SThree's most successfu...
£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Progressive Recruitment are cu...
£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Real Staffing are currently lo...
£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Computer Futures are currently...