While we like soppy, obedient, personality-free Labrador retrievers, we also adore the OTT violence (and dress sense) of Quentin Tarantino's freaked-out Reservoir Dogs. We live in a vast urban sprawl - yet own jet skis and garden gnomes. These objects are not only owned, but coveted by others and mostwanted by burglars. As are huge urban four-wheel drives such as the Mitsubishi Shogun and flash cars such as the Ford Mondeo.
On the crime front, the East End scores badly for burglaries, with Stratford, Hackney and West Ham as blackspots, while Earlsfield and Furzedown in south London, deep in SW18 and SW16, are now the most fashionable places to live. And, boringly, these new homes are likely to be given a fresh white coat of paint.
Our research also pooh-poohs the concepts of vegetarianism, the health food boom and products labelled with the guilt-inspiring word 'lite'. We Londoners still like our red meat and good old-fashioned comfort food. Pizza Hut serves up 1,218,000 high-protein Meat Feast pizzas, and in a post-work whizz round M&S, most of us are likely to walk away with a happy little Beefsteak Top Crust Pie, a spicy Chicken Tikka Masala and a gooey Luxury Bread and Butter Pudding for dessert.
Confused? It gets worse.
Hardest clubs to get into
The Ministry of Sound - big queues caused by macho security gorrillas who frisk clubbers for drugs and weapons. A tad paranoid.
Flipside, Iceni (Saturdays) - long queues due to popularity with a hardcore of groovers who are religious about Saturday night clubbing.
The Mud Club, Bagleys (Saturdays) - crowds of young kids just starting out in the club world.
Fresh and Funky, Iceni (Wednesdays) - big queues and boring wait, but worth it as this club lives up to its name.
Megatripolis, Heaven (Thursdays) - get there at 9.30pm. A mini Glastonbury with crusties, ravers and street performers running amok in the crowd.
Final Frontier, Club UK (Fridays/Saturdays) - again, get there early. Housey and ravey.
Hottest ticket in town
Phantom of The Opera. Lloyd
Webber musical opened in September 1986. Since then 3,319,000
tickets have been sold in London, and to get your mitts on one you have to book six months in advance
Espree Health Clubs at Blackfriars and Royal Mint Court, Tower Hill (6,000 members/almost full). State of the art equipment. Sleek, smart and sharp. The Tower Hill gym is enormous.
Jubilee Hall, Covent Garden. Celebrity instructors, toned women in thongs and extremely good fat-busting classes.
Cannons, Covent Garden and the City. Strongest point is its women's gym with equipment designed for smaller frames.
Holmes Place, Fulham Rd.
Exclusive club with a small pool that emits piped whale music. Changing rooms are bimbo hell and the gym intimidates with glamourous mix'n match thong outfits on display.
Aerobic classes are designed for pentathletes on acid.
Lambton Place, Notting Hill.
Small pool with columns and a jacuzzi. Beautiful Notting Hill Billies pump iron in the gym. Expensive, exclusive and overrated.
longest waiting lists
Francis Holland. Two girls' schools (one near Regent's Park NW1, the other in Belgravia SW1. Turn out well connected, trendy young women with Mockney accents.
St Paul's Girls School, Brook Green, Hammersmith. High academic standards, turns out high flyers.
Westminster School near Westminster Abbey. Boys public school with high academic standards.
Putney High School, Putney Hill.
Private girls school with good exam results. Now into its second century.
Dulwich College, SE 21. Close to Dulwich Park, this is a private independent boys' school founded 400 years ago. Most famous old boy is PG Wodehouse.
Queensgate School, SW7. Private girls school, strong on music and arts.
Latymer Upper, W6. Founded 1624, an independent boys' school. Famous old boy, Hughie Grant. Turns out roguish underachievers and West London trendies.
sellers at Marks & Spencer
Chicken Tikka Masala
Chinese Meal for One
Prawn and Mayonnaise sandwiches
Beefsteak Top Crust Pie
Luxury Bread and Butter Pudding
to get into
The Caprice - two weeks' advance booking. Frequented by film stars, celebs and politicians.
The Ivy - a week to ten days' advance booking. Jeffrey Archer, Sir John Gielgud, and an array of literati.
San Lorenzo - one week's advance booking. Every big star that comes to town gets in automatically, though. Paparazzi are permanently stationed at the door.
Daphne's - one week's booking time. Joan and Jackie Collins, Fergie and Di love this place.
Reservoir Dogs (81 weeks)
The Piano (23 weeks)
Schindler's List (20 weeks)
pizzas at Pizza Hut
Meat Feast (spicy beef, spicy pork, peperoni, ham, Mozarrella, Cheddar and Monterey Jack cheeses) Protein overload. 1,218,000 sold in London every year.
Create Your Own - a margarita base with a choice of your own toppings. 579,600 sold in London a year.
Supreme -pepperoni, mushrooms, green pepper, onion, spicy beef. All-round favourite. 520,800 eaten in London every year.
Most popular item
at Georgio Armani
Classic navy crepe suits -pounds 895.00
T-shirts with Armani logo-pounds 19.95
Most Popular breeds of dog
Most wanted rare dogs
Shar Pei (wrinkly pooch which looks as if it's stepped into an oversized coat)
Bolognese - from Bologna, a small fluffy white toy dog
Grands Bassetts Griffons Vendeens - muttish-looking French hunting hound
Most desirable areas
to Live in
The small patch between Wandsworth and Putney. Was once 'shabby', now very des res with professionals and journalists.
Furzedown Streatham, SW16.
A pretty part of 'West' Streatham which is still part of Wandsworth
(ie low council tax). Young couples wanting to start families and young professionals are buying like crazy here. Capital City's John Saxon also lives in the area.
Most Popular Household Paints at Texas Homecare
Gloss -white, black, green, magnolia
Emulsion -white, magnolia, hint of pink, beige
The Lillywhites 100 Ultimate pounds 199.99
GT Outpost pounds 300 by GT
Jazz Latitude pounds 200 by Trek
Top-Selling Rose bushes
Deep Secret - a hybrid tea
Arthur Bell - a floribunda
Hamley's Top-Selling Toys
Power Rangers - horrid plastic evil space aliens based on TV series
Balzak - balloons covered in a lurid techno fluoro-patterned fabric. Great for beach parties. They come in small, giant and Earth sizes.
Butthead - silliest game around.
A Velcro skull cap with Velcro balls to throw at whoever's wearing it.
Ikea's top-selling item
Classic Billy range of bookcases. 1,728,000 sold since January.
top-selling baby outfit
A packet of three cotton sleep suits.
Car theft black spots
Kensington and Chelsea
cars Most likely to be stolen
Areas where you are most
likely to be attacked
Most Burgled Items
Garden ornaments (gnomes, statues, fountains)
Clocks (grandfather, mantelpiece)
Hotels: most stolen items
The Dorchester - Royal Worcester ashtrays from bedrooms, coat hangers, Dorchester silver pens
Claridges - soap, cosmetics, slippers
The Savoy - teaspoons
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