It was all my fault, I suppose, that the car misbehaved, because I got bad tempered behind the wheel and beat it up. That was a shame as I bought the Golf from some friends who really looked after it, but I abused the poor thing. I was so embarrassed by the condition that when those friends came round I would park it in the next street, out of sight.
The really big problem with the car was that it stank. Literally. Now, I am part of one of those hugely elaborate school runs and small children would break down and cry rather than be stuffed in the back. I reckon they were behind those nasty smells anyway, and they also had a lot to do with several arson incidents. That's because they would put sweet wrappers in the ash trays and when I stubbed my fag out, there would be a small blaze.
On the whole that Golf behaved like an unruly pony. I always found changing gear a mammoth effort and it would break down at the worst possible moment, usually negotiating four lanes of traffic around the Elephant & Castle.
The last time it happened I had my eminently sensible eight-year-old with me to sort things out, stop traffic and get us rescued, otherwise I would just sit behind the wheel and sob. Imagine my relief when it got stolen.
I rubbed my hands at the thought of the insurance, but it was found within a few days a couple of miles away in Peckham. Even car thieves didn't want it, or any of my tapes. It was like a slap in the face for my musical taste. What's wrong with Smurfs Go Pop anyway?
When it came to part-exchanging the Golf recently I was shocked to be offered so much money for it. Unfortunately I had to run the car for two weeks before collecting my new Polo, so I was scared of damaging it. I came very close though by getting stuck in a multi-story car park against a concrete post.
The Polo's OK, I still miss my Daimler, but dearly I'd love a Saab convertible.
l Jenny Eclair Squats on Channel 5 every Friday at 8pm. She also headlines The Comedy Network every Monday at 10pm. She was speaking to James Ruppert.Reuse content