Volvo V70

Is there a car that appeals both to football lovers and automobile enthusiasts? Yes, and it's a Volvo. The new V70 could unite these warring male tribes

I have written before about the tragic bloke-schism that divides car enthusiasts and football fans. You either like one or the other. In a Venn diagram dividing men into car lovers and football fans, the centre ground would be occupied solely by Elton John.

But I have nothing against the men who play and watch football. So in the spirit of numbskull masculine solidarity I have hit upon a plan to coax the neanderthals of the footballing fraternity gently from their Carlsberg-induced stupor by appealing to their semi-autistic need to bring order to the world through arcane statistics.

They like tables, right? Leagues, rankings, counting fallen toothpicks and such like? So how about two leagues of car manufacturers updated on a weekly basis and read out via a teleprompter after the news on Saturdays. It would be compiled on a number of criteria, including the performance of individual models; profitability; sales; NCAP test results; number of recalls; success of new launches; significant personnel appointments; media coverage; and whether I like them or not.

We could have a Premier League featuring German, Japanese along with some Italian and French marques, say, with various South Koreans, Americans and Brits vying for promotion to it. Vauxhall would have to be in the Vauxhall Conference, along with Peugeot and anything built in China.

But who would be the Manchester United Wanderers of the car world? Well, I have an improbable but worthy candidate. Porsche might be the most profitable company in the world and Toyota the most prolific, but they are also responsible for the Cayenne and the RAV4, so I am afraid they can't top my league. Mercedes has a Real Madrid-style range and variety to its squad, from the Smart all the way up to the Maybach, but my vote would go to Volvo. I know, I know, but I have been driving their new V70 and absolutely love it. It has the coolest, most comfortable and ergonomically sound interior of any car on the market; it is built from granite; could tow an Alp; is reasonably priced, starting at £24,995; it is a shame that it has lost the Johnny Depp-style cheek-sucking look of the old version with its concave flanks, it's true, but it still doesn't provoke resentment in the way a hulking great 5 series BMW does. And these days there is amazing consistency throughout the Volvo range, from the metrosexual C30 to the redoubtable XC90.

So there it is, my secret weapon to reconcile two estranged bloke-tribes: Volvo. Who'd have thought it? Bring on the Middle East conflict, I say. Volvo could probably solve that too.