Wednesday 25 February 1998
Thursday 26th February
John Prescott pledges to build more housing on previously developed inner- city areas which are now serving no useful function. Lord Irvine is faced with immediate eviction from the Palace of Westminster.
A new law in Austria requires men and women to share household duties in equal measure. When asked about Britain's legal position regarding men in aprons, a senior police spokesman replies that most of his officers are already Masons.
Friday 27th February
Peter Mandelson reveals the figure inside the Dome to be a Madonna and child. He then attempts to supplement funding for the beleaguered project by claiming Lone Parent benefit as well as Lottery money.
Kofi Annan attempts to broker a second deal on inspection of official residences. But despite long negotiations, he fails to get a concession on the pounds 8 fee to look round Buckingham Palace.
American scientists claim that 80 per cent of bank notes are contaminated with traces of cocaine. Barclays customers demand that British notes be similarly treated, in the hope that this might speed up the cashiers.
Saturday 28th February
Speculation continues in the Business Pages regarding pharmaceutical company mergers. A top medic warns - taking too many of these supplements may cause severe drowsiness.
Noel Gallagher announces his ambition to buy a top British football club, sparking rumours that the merger between the country's two biggest drug suppliers may be back on again.
Sunday 1st March
John Birt pledges to axe "docu-soaps" from the BBC. Kofi Annan is sent in to enforce a No Fly On The Wall zone.
The Post Office bids to take over running the National Lottery. To ensure that all 49 balls are shaken vigorously and distributed completely at random, a spokesman explains that they will be marked "Fragile" and sent by Red Star parcels.
Following the revelation that four out of five American dollar bills are contaminated with traces of cocaine, financiers explain that from now on, notes will be printed with two numbers - their face value, and their street value.
Monday 2nd March
Americans are shocked to discover that 80 per cent of their banknotes may be contaminated with traces of cocaine. Gordon Brown visits the States on a fact-finding mission regarding revaluation of the pound.
A top sports coach backs the use of marijuana in British sport. Explaining that it won't improve our athletes' performance, but at least they won't care so much about coming last.
Tuesday 3rd March
Sean Connery responds calmly to allegations that he was blatantly denied a Knighthood at the request of Donald Dewar. When asked for his reaction, Mr Connery admits that he is "shaken, but not Sirred".
As anti-Semitic attacks rise, Grant Feller re-evaluates his identity
Savoury patisserie is a thing now
Meet the primary school where every day is National Poetry Day
Kirstie Allsopp has waded into the female fertility debate again
...and it wasn't caused by an asteroid crash, as first thought
Gillian Anderson lays into gender disparity in Hollywood
Striker ignored Brendan Rodger's request to applaud audience
Life & Style blogs
An app for the amorous: Could Good2Go end disputes about sexual consent - without being a passion-killer?
Windows 10 release: Microsoft bypasses 'Windows 9' with new operating system
The Fappening: After the third wave of leaked celebrity photos, why can't we stop it?
Stoptober: How I stopped smoking for good
Couples who gush about each other are the 'most annoying' Facebook users
Former Tory donor Arron Banks ups his Ukip donation to £1million following William Hague 'nobody' comment
Exclusive: 'Putin's Russia has been my biggest regret,' says Nato's outgoing Secretary General
The Osborne Ultimatum: Chancellor’s benefits freeze bombshell will affect ten million households
There’s no excuse for Dave Lee Travis’s behaviour, but we need to keep a sense of proportion
Should gay sex be illegal? 16% of Britons think so
Mark Reckless becomes second Tory MP to defect to Ukip in a month
- 1 Snoop Dogg and Jared Leto buy a stake in Reddit as A-list invests $50m
- 2 Prince held a Facebook Q&A and this is the only question he answered...
- 3 35,000 walrus gather on north-west Alaska beach 'for a rest'
- 4 Brad Pitt, on the moment he completely lost his temper with Clint Eastwood's son
- 5 A teacher speaks out: 'I'm effectively being forced out of a career that I wanted to love'
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