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Rolling back the years "Combi-Keyhole Lift", involving full keyhole-surgery facelift - removal of eye bags and laser resurfacing to the skin, pounds 6,000 (a full facelift could cost pounds 12,000); nose job, pounds 2,700; liposuction, around pounds 2,500; penis (or breast) enlargement, pounds 3,500; hormone replacement therapy, up to pounds 390 per year depending on the pharmaceutical brand (or private prescription for Viagra, about pounds 15 per tablet, assuming one a fortnight for a year); laser surgery to improve eyesight, pounds 450 per eye, pounds 900
Wardrobe Designer wool suits, one for each day of the working week, around pounds 450 each, pounds 2,250; long winter coat to wear over the remainder of your frayed 1998 ensembles, pounds 1,000
Grooming Waxing - take your pick from upper lip, legs, or chest and back, up to pounds 18; hydrating facial (anti-oxidant treatment to reduce damage caused by sun, pollution and cigarettes), pounds 40; six acid exfoliation sessions, pounds 150; body wrap to stimulate circulation, pounds 35; aromatherapy massage, pounds 35; reflexology, pounds 17
Time out Weekend retreat in a monastery, pounds 200; two-week holistic holiday in the Mediterranean to truly relax, tan and develop creative skills (writing, acting, Gestalt therapy to uncork any internalised aggression), up to pounds 795; therapy, pounds 50 per session for a year (if you can convince your doctor, you could swing this on the NHS), pounds 2,600; half-a-dozen visits to your local place of worship, pounds 2 per visit for the collection plate, pounds 12; yoga, pounds 270 per year
Total pounds 23,112
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