New Year's resolution number one: don't go clubbing with Mr Wrong
Monday morning life
Monday 05 January 1998
There's something blissful about slinking into the office after an ill-judged two weeks off. At least in work, everyone knows you as Ms X, the mild-mannered janitor figure and not as Ms X the complete loon.
Girls, after the horrors of this weekend, the first rule of 1998 is never go clubbing with someone you're trying to get over. Sweating on a dance floor gyrating wildly was never going to attract him. And the queue to get in was crushing. I hate crowds. "Done anything interesting?" I asked.
Ten minutes later he was still: "Smirk smirk ... blah blah ... payrise ... beautiful women ... ideal life ... And how about you?"
Mind went completely blank. "Oh, er, you know ... Fancy a fag?"
The queue was getting more and more packed. Didn't feel too well - too hot - but only five people in front now. Only three. Only ...
OK so I a) fainted outside the club; b) got whisked away to casualty by burly security guard; c) was accompanied by sulky ex who now has had everything he thought about me confirmed.
The nurse was unsympathetic: "You fainted? Well it's not life-threatening so you'll have to wait your turn. Will the person who's smoking please STOP. This is a hospital."
A girl with ripped tights is brought in crying hysterically. "I've got cancer haven't I? You're too scared to tell me. You've brought me to the Marsden? I'm here cos I've got cancer. Boohooooohooooo."
"You're in St Thomas's. On your hen night. You got drunk, fell over and gashed your leg," said her mate icily.
"I've lost me mate Jez. He's the only one who knows me parents' number. I need to find Jez," wailed another bloke with a bandage round his head. The nurse took one look at both. "Will whoever's smoking go out NOW."
Mr Wrong put a solicitious arm round me. The male protective instinct to the fore, I thought. Now he knows how much I mean to him. Hurrah.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Much better," I said smiling bravely.
"Good. I think I'll go back to the club then."
Resolution for 5 January 1998: I am going out to buy a wax figure and some large pins. And some emergency smelling salts.
Geoffrey Macnab reviews American Hustle, also starring Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper
elephant appealThe first 23 lots in our charity auction have now gone. But there are 22 more still up for grabs
newsFormer soldier taped 33 of the animals to the floor and then stamped on them one by one
Michelle Nijhuis' daughter insists (s)he is, and she learnt a valuable lesson on gender in books
news Opponents claim it would stop performers such as Beyonce and Madonna appearing on TV
It takes a platoon of chefs, litres of brandy and rum, and almost 100kg of dried fruit
newsThat most ancient of crimes is on the rise, threatening farmers' livelihoods, community trust – and human health
food + drink
sportIf you thought the London Olympics and Wiggins' Tour glory made last year best, don't forget Murray's Wimbledon win and Farah's double
Life & Style blogs
The 10 Best Scotch Whiskies
America's 'virgin births'? One in 200 mothers 'became pregnant without having sex'
GTA 5: Rockstar bans gamers stealing in-game money worth millions
Microsoft announces first exclusive Xbox One content: a documentary on the worst video game ever
Potential revolution in cancer treatment voted breakthrough of the year by scientists
Exclusive: Young people ‘want UK to stay in Europe’: Four in 10 adults aged 18 to 24 are ‘firmly in favour’ of membership, poll shows
Tom Daley ‘is gay because his father died’ says UK evangelist
Iain Duncan Smith leaves Commons food banks debate early
Kiss and yell: Italian protester charged with sexual assault after kissing riot police officer
PM denies two child limit for benefits is part of Tory welfare policy
Anachronistic and iniquitous, grammar schools are a blot on the British education system
- 1 America's 'virgin births'? One in 200 mothers 'became pregnant without having sex'
- 2 27 animals died during filming of Hollywood blockbuster The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, says report
- 3 Sun will 'flip upside down' within weeks, says Nasa
- 4 Christmas comes early: Justin Bieber is 'retiring from music'
- 5 Iain Duncan Smith leaves Commons food banks debate early
£45000 - £50000 per annum + Benefits: Harrington Starr: QA .NET Agile UNIX LIN...
£35000 - £40000 per annum + Benefits: Harrington Starr: C# ASP.NET SQL Develop...
Negotiable: Harrington Starr: C# .NET SQL Developer (Software Developer, Softw...
£500 - £650 per day: Harrington Starr: Excellent opportunity for Murex Subject...