New Year's resolution number one: don't go clubbing with Mr Wrong
Monday morning life
Monday 05 January 1998
There's something blissful about slinking into the office after an ill-judged two weeks off. At least in work, everyone knows you as Ms X, the mild-mannered janitor figure and not as Ms X the complete loon.
Girls, after the horrors of this weekend, the first rule of 1998 is never go clubbing with someone you're trying to get over. Sweating on a dance floor gyrating wildly was never going to attract him. And the queue to get in was crushing. I hate crowds. "Done anything interesting?" I asked.
Ten minutes later he was still: "Smirk smirk ... blah blah ... payrise ... beautiful women ... ideal life ... And how about you?"
Mind went completely blank. "Oh, er, you know ... Fancy a fag?"
The queue was getting more and more packed. Didn't feel too well - too hot - but only five people in front now. Only three. Only ...
OK so I a) fainted outside the club; b) got whisked away to casualty by burly security guard; c) was accompanied by sulky ex who now has had everything he thought about me confirmed.
The nurse was unsympathetic: "You fainted? Well it's not life-threatening so you'll have to wait your turn. Will the person who's smoking please STOP. This is a hospital."
A girl with ripped tights is brought in crying hysterically. "I've got cancer haven't I? You're too scared to tell me. You've brought me to the Marsden? I'm here cos I've got cancer. Boohooooohooooo."
"You're in St Thomas's. On your hen night. You got drunk, fell over and gashed your leg," said her mate icily.
"I've lost me mate Jez. He's the only one who knows me parents' number. I need to find Jez," wailed another bloke with a bandage round his head. The nurse took one look at both. "Will whoever's smoking go out NOW."
Mr Wrong put a solicitious arm round me. The male protective instinct to the fore, I thought. Now he knows how much I mean to him. Hurrah.
"How are you?" he asked.
"Much better," I said smiling bravely.
"Good. I think I'll go back to the club then."
Resolution for 5 January 1998: I am going out to buy a wax figure and some large pins. And some emergency smelling salts.
Life & Style blogs
The Evil Within preview: a survival horror fan’s best worst nightmare
Porn film production likely to stop in Los Angeles after actor tests positive for HIV
Ice Bucket Challenge: ALS Association doesn't yet know what to do with all of the money raised
Anal sex study reveals climate of 'coercion'
iPhone 6 'release date' firmed up in leaked photos of Apple smartphone
Robin Williams Emmys tribute led by Billy Crystal criticised for including 'racist' joke about Muslim woman
The Rotherham child abuse scandal is a tale of apologists, misogyny and double standards
What do immigrants really think of Britain? Polish immigrant's Reddit post goes viral
Scottish independence TV debate: Pumped-up Alex Salmond bounces back in bruising second round against Alistair Darling
Do you realise just how foolish the UK looks?
With Douglas Carswell joining Ukip, my party has taken another giant step forward
- 1 Keira Knightley topless: Usually conservative actress does own take on #Freethenipple campaign for Interview Magazine
- 2 Oil tanker with $100 million cargo goes missing off Texas coast
- 3 George Galloway left with severe bruising after attack in Notting Hill by man 'shouting about the Holocaust'
- 4 Saudi Arabia executes 19 in one half of August in 'disturbing surge of beheadings'
- 5 Brother and sister, Christopher Buckner and Timothy Savoy, arrested for 'committing incest after watching 'The Notebook''
- < Previous
- Next >
Highly Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: BRISTOL - This is a very unusual law c...
£28000 - £30000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: Junior VB.NET ...
£40000 - £50000 per annum + Benefits + Bonus: Harrington Starr: C# .NET Web De...
Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: HAMPSHIRE MARKET TOWN - A highly attr...