No sex, please - I'm on holiday

To romp or relax? No contest, says beleaguered boyfriend Simon Bell. Just wake me up for dinner

A Scandinavian once warned me never to marry a Scandinavian. Have an affair, a one night stand, coffee even, but not marriage. The reason, he said, is that Scandinavian girls get very moody in winter, but as soon as the snow starts to thaw so do they. It took me a moment to realise it was the moodiness he missed, not the spring in their sex life.

Outside a nightclub in Oslo early one spring, his observation was confirmed by the staggering amount of blistering sex up against the melting drifts. We might call this The Springtime Catalyst, if it didn't sound so much like a Robert Ludlum novel.

Summer, however, is a different barrel of gunpowder. It's the heat, of course. The blood is warmed, the senses mellow and we don't wear pants. After its winter's hibernation in a pair of Bjorn Borg restriction briefs (pertinently Scandinavian), suddenly the old courting tackle is knocking nostalgically against the inner thigh once more. And so we go on holiday with our partners to places where it's even hotter and we wear even less.

For me at any rate, this is where the problem really starts. I've split up with more girlfriends on holiday than in any other identifiable situation. France 4, Greece 2, Spain 2, Italy 1, Venezuela 1, United States of America 1 (no score draw). In fact, almost the only place I haven't split up with someone is Split. There are several reasons for this phenomenon. The girls I know, at any rate, go on holiday for togetherness, and boys for otherness. Having been together all bloody winter, I'm thinking, let's be together on holiday - but in a relaxed way. The difference between living in the south of France and holidaying there is total. If you live there, it makes a lot of sense to go to bed together all afternoon. If you're on holiday there, where's the holiday in it?

Take Ibiza. I'm lying on Las Salinas beach and a couple of hundred semi- naked models are strolling by oozing Babe Factor One. Why on earth would I want to be in bed at the villa with the woman of my dreams when I can sleep with her next week?

In any other comparable situation the girl will understand the situation. Suppose a darling and I are visiting the Ingres exhibition and I suddenly have the urge to have sex with her up against Madame Moitessier Seated (26 inches). Unsurprisingly, she says, "But I've come to look at the paintings!" and possibly adds the feeble and unconvincing, "We'll get thrown out." Of course, it does happen that sex takes place in the back of a taxi, upstairs on a bus or in the private compartment of a train. But generally speaking the reason we're in a taxi, bus or train is to go somewhere.

Why do the rules change on holiday? If I stay up until four in the morning talking crap with some mentally retarded, blood-eyed drug dealer called Juan, it doesn't mean I don't want to have sex with Paula back at the ranch, let alone that I prefer Juan to Paula. It means I'm on holiday. If we get invited to dinner on a loathsome arms dealer's yacht and I get annoyed because Katrina wants to have dinner for two in the palm-fringed Jacuzzi "reserved exclusively for lovers" it doesn't mean I don't want to do all that. It means I'm on holiday.

So holidays far too often make things worse for me, not better. The best holiday I ever had was in Czechoslovakia, but that was because I arrived from Russia, she arrived from England and we hadn't seen each other for two months. Also, no one else seemed to be naked in Prague in November. Czechoslovakia was really only the fortunate beneficiary, not the catalyst.

It's not the fault of holidays that things should be like this. After all, when does any couple want to have sex at the same time all the time? But on holiday, the stakes are higher, or deeper, as if they're going through the heart. As a rule of thumb, it you're going to have a sex row, it's better to have it near your mates in Camden Town than on Mount Athos where the only alternative is orthodox priests.

This summer, however, I'm determined to have The Summer of Love. This means one of three things. Either I'll have to go away on my own and get lucky; or I'll have to get a new girlfriend; or I'll have to get an old girlfriend and go to a place inhabited only by sheep, orthodox priest or both and hope something rekindles.

Reading back, there seems to be quite a bit of wishful thinking here. And that just about sums up holidays for boys and girls. If only our wishes were the same.

Life and Style
tech

Sales of the tablet are set to fall again say analysts

News
A Brazilian wandering spider
news

World's most lethal spider found under a bunch of bananas

Life and Style
fashion

British supermodel and hitmaker join forces to launch a 'huge song'

News
news

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge announce they are set to welcome second child in spring

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Life and Style
gaming

I Am Bread could actually a challenging and nuanced title

Sport
Mario Balotelli pictured in the win over QPR
footballInternet reacts to miss shocker for Liverpool striker
Voices
Sol Campbell near his home in Chelsea
voices
News
i100
News
Kimi the fox cub
newsBurberry under fire from animal rights group - and their star, Kimi
Sport
Fans of Palmeiras looks dejected during the match between Palmeiras and Santos
footballPalmeiras fan killed trying to 'ambush' bus full of opposition supporters
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Year 3 Teachers needed for supply roles

    £110 - £130 per day + Competitive rates of pay: Randstad Education Reading: Ye...

    Year 1 Teachers needed for day to day roles

    £110 - £130 per day + Competitive rates of pay: Randstad Education Reading: Pr...

    Year 2 Teachers needed for day to day roles

    £110 - £130 per day + Competitive rates of pay: Randstad Education Reading: Ye...

    Primary General Cover Teachers needed

    £110 - £130 per day + Competitive rates of pay: Randstad Education Reading: Pr...

    Day In a Page

    Oscar Pistorius sentencing: The athlete's wealth and notoriety have provoked a long overdue debate on South African prisons

    'They poured water on, then electrified me...'

    If Oscar Pistorius is sent to jail, his experience will not be that of other inmates
    James Wharton: The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

    The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

    Life after the Army has brought new battles for the LGBT activist James Wharton
    Ebola in the US: Panic over the virus threatens to infect President Obama's midterms

    Panic over Ebola threatens to infect the midterms

    Just one person has died, yet November's elections may be affected by what Republicans call 'Obama's Katrina', says Rupert Cornwell
    Premier League coaches join the RSC to swap the tricks of their trades

    Darling, you were fabulous! But offside...

    Premier League coaches are joining the RSC to learn acting skills, and in turn they will teach its actors to play football. Nick Clark finds out why
    How to dress with authority: Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear

    How to dress with authority

    Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear
    New book on Joy Division's Ian Curtis sheds new light on the life of the late singer

    New book on Ian Curtis sheds fresh light on the life of the late singer

    'Joy Division were making art... Ian was for real' says author Jon Savage
    Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

    Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

    The Bafta-winner talks Hollywood, being branded a psycho, and how Barbra Streisand is his true inspiration
    Tim Minchin, interview: The musician, comedian and world's favourite ginger is on scorching form

    Tim Minchin interview

    For a no-holds-barred comedian who is scathing about woolly thinking and oppressive religiosity, he is surprisingly gentle in person
    Boris Johnson's boozing won't win the puritan vote

    Boris's boozing won't win the puritan vote

    Many of us Brits still disapprove of conspicuous consumption – it's the way we were raised, says DJ Taylor
    Ash frontman Tim Wheeler reveals how he came to terms with his father's dementia

    Tim Wheeler: Alzheimer's, memories and my dad

    Wheeler's dad suffered from Alzheimer's for three years. When he died, there was only one way the Ash frontman knew how to respond: with a heartfelt solo album
    Hugh Bonneville & Peter James: 'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'

    How We Met: Hugh Bonneville & Peter James

    'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's heavenly crab dishes don't need hours of preparation

    Bill Granger's heavenly crab recipes

    Scared off by the strain of shelling a crab? Let a fishmonger do the hard work so you can focus on getting the flavours right
    Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

    Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

    After a remarkable conversion from reckless defender to prolific striker, Monaco's ace says he wants to make his loan deal at Old Trafford permanent
    Terry Venables: Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England

    Terry Venables column

    Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England
    The Inside Word: Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past

    Michael Calvin's Inside Word

    Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past