Not such an everyday story

The map: `The Archers' is as English as a cream tea and about as harmless - or is it? Hannah Jones reveals the Anarchists' guide to Ambridge

"Britain's best loved village" has, until now, existed only in the imaginations of its millions of Radio 4 listeners. However, the publication of an official BBC-endorsed Ambridge map gives credence to the claim of a group of die-hard followers called the Archers Anarchists' that "The Archers are real. There is no cast." The Anarchists aim to lift the lid on Ambridge's superficial cosiness. Thanks to their insider information, here we reveal startling new clues to the murders, sex scandals and debauchery that lurk beneath the official story of village fetes, pantos and cricket cups.

Bridge Farm

Dark rumours surround the infamous richness of the soil on Pat and Tony's organic farm - specifically, in connection with Ambridge's list of The Disappeared, those no longer resident in the village. Some of these are talked about but never heard; some officially leave and are never mentioned again. Those in the know say that the key question is whether Ambridge's Disappeared ever left at all - or are their decaying bodies the explanation for that famous Bridge Farm soil?

Lakey Hill

A cross between Mount Olympus and Hampstead Heath, this is the place where people go when they're feeling down. Given the number of people who are perennially down in Ambridge it must be as busy as Piccadilly Circus. Traditionally it is one of Ambridge's most scenic areas. A spot favoured by Shula Hebden, Caroline Pemberton et al, it has given pleasure to generations.

Brookfield

Hunting ground of David Archer. Ostensibly a corn-reaping farmer, rumour has it that he is a reaper of an altogether grimmer variety. Many a good man and beast has fallen at his hands. A tree-branch killed the faithful retainer Jehro Larkin when he was out tree-cutting with David. Pity also the fate of poor Stripey the Badger. His protected species status was not protection enough against the badger-baiting David.

Village shop/Post Office

Site of the infamous hold-up by Clive Horrobin - general "bad egg" around town. Despite long protesting his innocence - he was simply collecting a loan without asking first - his reputation is now ruined in the minds of Ambridge residents. They have memories longer than elephants (unless concerned with one of the Ambridge Disappeared - see Bridge Farm). There is little hope of forgiveness for Clive. It looks like he will forever be the "Ambridge One".

The Dower House

An eventful love life is responsible for Caroline Pemberton being fondly christened "The Village Bicycle" by the Archers Anarchists - the Dower House is where she parks her seat on the occasions she sleeps there. Caroline's conquests include vicar-vet Robin Stokes, Dr Matthew Thorogood, and former Estate owners Cameron Fraser and Guy Pemberton. There is many a broken heart in her wake, but she has certainly done well financially.

The Estate

The Scottish entrepreneur Cameron Fraser used to live here but the Estate is now owned by sensitive environmentalists, "Borchester Land". Fraser left behind him a tarnished reputation and holes in several pockets. He took money from the more gullible members of the village before skipping town and dumping his pregnant girlfriend Elizabeth Archer at a motorway service station.

The Bull

Hub of Ambridge society. If you want to know the score, get your ear to the door. In the past The Bull has been the site of high drama (Sid Perks threw his wife Cathy out after he discovered her affair with Detective Sergeant Barry), high romance (reversal of said casting out), and high comedy (Eddie Grundy was sick in the piano and wasn't allowed back till he found a replacement). More recently The Bull has been experiencing a lull in the excitement.

Glebe Cottage

Site of the "Alleged Incident": it was here that Simon Pemberton slapped Shula Hebden. Rumours abound, however, about the truth behind this story. Some hope the incident really did happen - Radio 4 broadcaster Libby Purves wrote that "someone had to slap Shula". Others believe it was a ruse to blackmail Simon. Perhaps Shula slapped herself in a fit of masochism? Who knows what wrestles inside that carefully cultivated outer shell.

No 1 The Green

Incidents involving drugs are few and far between in Ambridge. No 1 resident Neil Carter (reformed pig-farmer and general village idiot), brought his share of scandal to Ambridge some years ago via a dope-smoking girlfriend. Public-school-educated Jolyon Gibson supplied his then girlfriend Kate Aldridge with cannabis who in turn duped her parents into eating doped-up soup. This - unfortunately, say some Anarchists - is the sum total of the dalliance with drugs in Ambridge. The arrival of someone who realises the magic-mushroom-hunting potential of Lakey Hill is eagerly awaited.

The Stables

The place to which the closet alcoholic George Barford staggers back after he's indulged in the odd glass or 20. In addition to being Ambridge's answer to Oliver Reed, George's main claim to fame is that he murdered Patch, the beloved mutt of the now departed (read Disappeared, see Bridge Farm) vicar-vet Robin Stokes. Needless to say, he - along with all the other animal killers of Ambridge - got off scot-free (see Brookfield).

All information from `The Archers Anarchists' A-Z' (Boxtree, pounds 6.99). `The Archers Addicts' Official Map of Ambridge' (Old House, pounds 5.99).