Oh, Monica, it could have been so different...

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Indy Lifestyle Online
It's not much fun being a Bill-bimbo. Poor Monica Lewinsky. She's probably lying there sobbing in the Watergate Hotel wondering how she went from a fresh-faced intern to the girl at the centre of Zippergate. Anyone who saw Hillary Clinton on the morning talkshows shivered for Monica. Once Hillary's gunning for you you're a gonna we thought.

And yet it could have been so different. Instead of being trashed as an unstable Beverly Hills bimbo, she could have been celebrated as the woman who exposed the President for what he really is (instead of being derided as the girl he exposed himself to). Monica, these are the tips you needed for being more than that bit of presidential totty:

One: Don't do it. Or if you must, wait until at least the year 2000. There is no point having an affair with Bill Clinton. If he's not going to run out on you to deal with Arafat you can bet your bottom dollar he's running out to meet Paula, Jennifer, etc - you name her (he won't). There's no status in being the fifth girl to bonk Clinton that day. (Apparently bumper stickers have now appeared in Arkansas saying: "Honk if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton")

Two: Bear in mind the sort of man you're getting into bed with (sorry, into the Oval Office cupboard with). If he's a man who likes his pet name being Schmucko, he probably is one. In that case save your money. Don't spend your dollars putting soppy Valentines quoting Shakespeare in The Washington Post. Anyway, he'll only be looking for the ones which start "Hey Superstud! I need your body now".

Three: Don't fall for the "eating isn't cheating" line. Remember WeightWatchers: a minute on the lips, a lifetime of horrid quips.

Four: Have a word with Mom. She isn't doing you any favours writing sexy romps which "sizzle" and which her editor admits to toning down. Particularly when they include scenes fantasising about sex with Placido Domingo. You know what they say, like mother like daughter - neither's got any taste in men.

Five: Be careful of women who say they want to be your friend. Especially if they appear to have a tape recorder strapped to their body at all times. Don't buy the line that it's a personal stereo. Say the words "Kenneth Starr" and see if she blushes.

Six: Keep clear of the Watergate Hotel. There's enough Zippergate, Naughtygate, Jailbaitgate gags going on without you pointing up the obvious comparison. The favourite gag going round Washington at the moment is that the only difference between Watergate and Zippergate is that there's no question about the identity of Deep Throat.

Seven: If you decide none of this puts you off and you want an affair with the leader of the free world, for goodness' sake do it properly. Push that irritating red-faced man out of the way and go for Hillary.