Opening Lines: The column - Lightning recovery

Suddenly life is `gorgeous' again for Howard Jacobson's mother- in-law. Even one of her storm-racked tropical fish is magically resuscitated

Suggested Topics
Do you believe in the practicability of resurrection?

Me neither; but twice now, with my own eyes, I've seen the dead tickled back to life.

The first time was in Manchester about 40 years ago. The second was just the other day in Balnarring, a drowsing retirement village overrun with suicidally perambulating koalas, about 90 kilometres south-east of Melbourne on the Mornington Peninsula where they make Pinots Noirs to die for.

Balnarring is home to my widowed mother-in-law. Readers of this column may recall last seeing my mother-in-law flat on her back in a campervan, bereft of memory, reading and re-reading The Gift by Kirk Douglas, content to be driven the length of the state of Western Australia if that was what we wanted to do with her. We released her finally, allowed her to return to her cat and goldfish in Balnarring, where she said she was content but where in fact she was depressed. Myself, I don't find that in the least surprising. It's death valley here. Death by quiet beauty. Come to Balnarring and you get one glimpse of heaven and wish you were in hell. But my opinion of the place is immaterial. My mother-in-law is depressed and we are here for the weekend to cheer her up.

I sit on the balcony, drink Pinot Noir, flick through my late father- in-law's German primers, and stare out to where futurity drains into the grey waters of Western Port Bay. My wife busies herself and her mother in the garden, pruning the lemon tree, gathering grapefruits, changing the water in the fish- pond. It's a big job, changing fish-pond water, and my mother-in-law has neither the strength nor the spirit for it. But then that's why we're here - to make it all appear possible again.

From the balcony I can hear Ros talking to her mother as though she's a child. "What we have to do is this ... There. Not too, difficult, eh? Look how happy the fish look!"

"Aren't they gorgeous!" I hear my mother-in-law say. The word "gorgeous" is always the clue that she's recovering her zest for life. God's creatures do it every time, provided she remembers to look; provided there is someone here to remind her to look. I hear the rich optimistic laughter of women. Progress. Soon it will be the garden worms that are gorgeous.

Zest-recovery operations proceed so well that when the storm comes, lashing the Peninsula with spiked rain, we decide to drive to Flinders for dinner, forked lightning or no forked lightning. Joy is a girl again. When she opens her handbag tonight it is not to panic-search for keys or bank books or objects she hasn't owned for 50 years; tonight she is bringing out $20 bills. Chardonnay - more Chardonnay!

I go to bed early, dejected by the noise the rain makes on the tin roof. I grew up under tiles; always something substantial between me and the elements. Live under tin and you might just as well be bareheaded on the heath, like Lear. But the women are exhilarated. Ros even comes into the bedroom and opens the curtains, so that I can have the lightning in bed with me.

The women talk and laugh until late. Joy retires about midnight. Her daughter doesn't. I hear splashing and singing in the night, and wonder if Ros is out sloshing through puddles, but the sound is coming from inside not out. Search me.

We wake to a tragedy. When the storm interrupted the cleaning of the fish-pond the fish were given temporary refuge in a rusting oil drum in the laundry. Now the three biggest and most exotically coloured are dead, floating on their sides in that geriatric way of deceased fish, as though they've slipped and had a fall in the water.

Shamefaced, Ros confesses to me that she might have murdered them. Not with malice aforethought, but as it were out of a superabundance of high spirits. The splashing I'd heard in the night was her playing hide-and- seek with them. Either they'd died when she shouted "Boo!" or they'd suffered fatal injuries when she'd scooped them up to tell them how gorgeous they were and they'd jumped from her hand, landing awkwardly on the tiles.

I tell her about the time my father brought one of my goldfish back from the dead. He'd massaged its heart. He had famously huge fingers, my father, each the size of a small banana; so it was a miracle he could find the fish's heart at all. Maybe he hadn't; maybe what he'd given it was a full body massage. It did the trick, anyway. After 15 minutes under my father's finger, with the whole family gathered spell-bound round the bowl, the fish suddenly began to gulp, twisted in the water like a torpedo, righted itself, threw my father one of those non-committal buttoned-eye looks, and took off.

"Or you could try the kiss of life," I suggest.

She plumps for heart massage. No good on the two big golden-reds. Their souls have upped and gone. But the silver and pink one begins to respond, takes in air, looks up. He's unsteady. It's no picnic dying of shock, then being shocked back into life again. I doubt he'll make it. But once he's emptied back into the pond - shock number three - he begins to circle.

"What do you think?" Ros asks her mother.

"Gorgeous!"

She's handled the death of the other two well. She has already fed them to the cat. No morbidities today. Depressed? Who? Her? Today she's 18, not 83. She looks so beautiful and expectant it feels a crime to leave her in Death Valley.

I speed out of there, all the same. No looking back. But I see her in my rear-view mirror, waving brilliantly, a tableau vivant representing hope

Independent Comment
blog comments powered by Disqus
News in pictures
World news in pictures
Life & Style blogs

It’s National Work From Home Day today

Plus live in a folly tower and Towcester growth

Where have property prices been reduced most in the UK?

Plus how much you need to earn to rent in London, and new homes figures

Is Rushcliffe the best place for families to live?

Plus where The Apprentices live, house price growth outside London, and househunter numbers

       
Independent
Travel Shop
South Africa
15 nights from only £1,899pp Find out more
Paris and the Cote d’Azur city break
Seven nights from £579pp Find out more
Seville, Granada and Malaga break
Seven nights from £549pp Find out more

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    SAP FI-CA Consultant - up to £58k

    £50000 - £58000 per annum + Benefits and Bonus: Progressive Recruitment: SAP F...

    PHP/ Drupal Developer - £35k - WC

    £30000 - £40000 per annum + BENS: Progressive Recruitment: Drupal Developer A ...

    C# WEB DEVELOPER

    £45000 - £50000 per annum + bens: Progressive Recruitment: C# WEB DEVELOPER Le...

    WPF Developer (C#, VB.Net) - North East - 6 Months

    £240 - £260 per day: Progressive Recruitment: WPF Developer (C#, VB.Net) North...

    Day In a Page

    The price of pacifism: Refusing to go to war is finally being recognised as a brave act

    The price of pacifism

    From the Second World War refusenik to the 19-year-old Israeli, Holly Williams talks to five people who risked shame and suffering to take a stand as conscientious objector.
    'It was mass hysteria': Jason Isaacs on groupies, theatre bores and snogging James Bond

    Jason Isaacs: Groupies, theatre bores and James Bond

    To millions, Jason Isaacs is one of Harry Potter's arch enemies – but his wife prefers him as a Scottish TV detective.
    Notes from a small island: Is Sealand an independent 'micronation' or an illegal fortress?

    Sealand: 'Micronation' or illegal fortress?

    Thomas Hodgkinson spent a week at the tiny platform off the Suffolk coast to find out.
    Not a bad bone: Mark Hix cooks with cutlets and ribs

    Mark Hix cooks with cutlets and ribs

    If you ignore cutlets and ribs, you'll risk missing out on some delicious and easy meals, says our chef.
    The experts' guide to summer: From getting fit for the beach to recreating that Olympic buzz

    The experts' guide to summer

    From getting fit for the beach to recreating that Olympic buzz
    Sex, drugs and fast cars: The legend of James Hunt has set Hollywood hearts racing

    Legend of James Hunt has set Hollywood hearts racing

    Early glimpses of Ron Howard's film Rush suggest it will portray Hunt as a high-living lothario, with an insatiable appetite for partying.
    Macklemore: 'I don't have moderation when using drugs and alcohol. It was hurting my life'

    Macklemore: 'I don't have moderation'

    The next Vanilla Ice or the next Eminem? Macklemore doesn't have a record contract – but he does have the UK's biggest-selling single of the year.
    Don't be shy: Bill Granger's Sri Lankan recipes

    Don't be shy: Bill Granger's Sri Lankan recipes

    Sri Lankan cuisine is light, sunny, wonderfully spiced – and so easy to cook from scratch. Just as soon as you've broken into the coconut, that is.
    Sir James Dyson’s latest project: Cleaning up hospitals

    Sir James Dyson’s latest project: Cleaning up hospitals

    Doctors are hailing the revamp of a Bath neonatal unit, where babies sleep more and feed better, as the model for patient care
    One man returns to Argentina's town that drowned

    One man returns to Argentina's town that drowned

    Epecuen was submerged under 10 metres of water in 1985. Now the floods have gone – and 83-year-old Pablo Novak has moved back in
    The real thing? Historian publishes Coca Cola's 'secret formula'

    The real thing?

    Historian publishes Coca Cola's 'secret formula'
    Gordon Ramsey's worst nightmare: A restaurant he cannot save

    Gordon Ramsay's worst nightmare: A restaurant he cannot save

    The pugnacious chef finally met a shambolic restaurant he couldn't save. John Walsh on when TV makover refuseniks fight back
    Join Ryanair! See the world! But we're only paying you for nine months a year

    Join Ryanair! See the world! But we're only paying you for nine months a year

    Glamorous myth of the flight attendant lifestyle undermined by angry employee's claims of 'exploitation'
    Braising saddles: Did the recent furore scupper sales of horse meat? Neigh, far from it!

    Braising saddles: How to cook horse meat

    Did the recent furore scupper sales of horse meat? Neigh, far from it! Will Coldwell hoofs it to the kitchen.
    Why bitters are back on the bar: A few little drops pack a big punch in cocktails

    Why bitters are back on the bar

    A few little drops pack a big punch in cocktails. No wonder we're learning to love them again...