TUBS, journalist: The basic idea is that fat is good, the fatter the better - these are all mutual: Chubby Chops, Chubby O'Hara, Chublet, Chubs, Chubby Checker, Tublet, Tublanoff, Tubby Tupper, Fatola, Honey, Hongel, Hubby and Hublet.
LEO COOPER, publisher: Absolutely not. We use each other's names. Sorry not to be more joyous.
BONEHEAD, legal secretary: I don't mind it too much because he also calls me Sexy Bum. I call him Snork, which is a character from the Moomintroll childrens' books, it looks a bit like a nice, round little hippo.
JULIE BURCHILL, columnist: We don't have silly pet names. I call him C, as in ABC, because that is his initial, and he calls me B. Nobody else would call us that, so it's intimate, without being sickening.
MACARONI, magazine designer: I didn't appreciate being compared to a stick of pasta but as I'm so thin, that is what my husband used to think I looked like. I have hundreds of names for him: Punky, Koala, Monkey, Tabby-father and Pub-Kitten - he once spotted a really cute kitten in the pub, and the pub is where he spends half his life. He likes to be called Stallion, but I don't like that one much.
SUSAN, personnel assistant: My partner's not very romantic. Once I said he looked like Robert de Niro and he just fell around laughing, then he said, 'You look great too, your lips are like petals - bicycle petals' and 'your cheeks are like peaches - football peaches.' In rare moments of emotion he might call me 'darling'. I just call him Dave now.
MR TOAD, design graduate: I call my girlfriend Tiggy, short for Mrs Tiggywinkle, because she's quite round and can roll into a cute little ball. She is also spiky, snorty and covered in fleas, and she eats slugs, ha ha. I don't know why she calls me Mr Toad, it's probably because I call her Tiggy.
GNU-GIRL, magazine editor: My boyfriend calls me Tapir, as well, on account of my prominent nose. I used to be called Gestapo, because I was thought to be bossy, which then developed into SS, which stuck.
RODENT, art dealer: I call my girfriend Proboscis beacuse her upper lip protrudes, and Dork when she's wearing her glasses as they make her look half- witted.
VEGGIE, solicitor: I am called Vegetable or Veggie by my girlfriend because she thinks I don't do anything, and I call her it back. When talking to other people I refer to her as Snuggles or Snugs as a kind of joke. There was a brief time when I called her Mucus, because she seemed like a big bogey.
PIGLET, picture restorer: My last girlfriend named me after all the characters from Winnie-the-Pooh and I absolutely hated it. If you're going to use pet-names they should be hard-core, not namby-pamby. Something like Sex-God would do nicely.
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