Marks and Spencer opened early to let Mrs Bottomley shop unpestered

GILL MULLINS, production editor: Who the hell do you think you are? You're only a public servant, not Princess Diana and I don't see why you should get special dispensations to buy your knickers in private. Or do you shop this early so you can crawl back into your coffin before sunrise after a busy night bleeding the health service white?

DAVID BLUNKETT, MP: I expect it must be a novel experience for you to be opening something up instead of shutting it down . . .

NEAL ASCHERSON, columnist: Elena Ceausescu, I presume? I have a time- machine waiting outside, and we can go back to Communist Europe where the nomenklatura always had shops and theatres cleared for them. Your sort of place.

RHIANNON MACINDOO, HIV researcher: I suppose you'll clear everyone out of the hospitals as well, next time you need to use one?

RORY BREMNER, comedian and satirist: Can we take you back to the shop and change you?

DR JANE X: How dare you mess about with my job and my wages? You might look very nice, but you're a whited sepulchre] And while she was figuring that one out, I'd hit her with my bag of frozen chicken kievs.

MARGARET SIMON, pensioner: Isn't it time you had your sense of importance operated on, you little madam?

MARY SPILLANE, Color Me Beautiful image consultants: Why do you have to look like a headmistress when you're in the forefront of British politics? Take a leaf out of Margaret Thatcher's book and get some designer suits.

JULIAN TURNER, land agent: Could I interest you in a spin round the lingerie department? Then if I got her amongst the suspender belts, I'd ping one in her face. She's completely messed up this nation's health service.

ANN JENKINS, housewife: I'd tell her she was jolly attractive.

RICHARD MILES, travel agent: It seems terribly empty in here. Where on earth is everyone else?

ANNA MASSEY, actress: I've got such a long list, she wouldn't get out before closing time.

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