Opinions: Which politician would you most like to smack?

SIMON McQUEEN, artist: Michael Portillo should be smacked around the head with a copy of the Criminal Justice Bill. I know it's not strictly relevant to him but he seems like a good person to do it to. It's fairly sad actually because I don't really know any Labour ones, apart from the geezer who's just taken over as leader - what's his name?

ANTHONY SAMPSON, writer: The most obvious person is John Gummer because he is so childish. His cockiness is typical of the child of a clergyman; he's bumptious the whole time and asks to be smacked, but so far nobody has dared to do it.

JACKIE KAY, poet: Both Bottomleys, since they deserve it by name alone, then I'd work my way through the entire cabinet.

LINDI StCLAIR, Miss Whiplash: All of them, the males especially. Tony Banks is at the top of my list because he promised me a book launch at the House of Commons and then reneged. He's a small person so he'd fit on my lap easily.

CLEM, Big Issue vendor: If ever there was a spoilt brat that deserved a good seeing-to it's Michael Portillo. I'd also like to smack Baroness Thatcher over the back of the head with a ruler.

MARQUESS OF BLANDFORD: Robert Key because he was my tutor at Harrow and he was a dork. I think he was a junior minister until recently, something to do with roads.

CLARE RAMOS, mother: Do you mean smacking or punching in the teeth? I'd smack Michael Portillo for being such a slimy git.

NICK FISHER, agony uncle: John Patten has one of those faces that seems designed for smacking. I'd certainly like to smack Brian Mawhinney since he slapped my wrists when he forced my Pocket Guide to Sex to be withdrawn.

BILLY BRAGG, songwriter: Every time I see Michael Howard on telly I feel this uncontrollable urge to smack him one. I think it's his horribly fixed smirk. Surely a smirk like that should debar someone from becoming a minister. It's his eyes, too.

ANGUS SHARPLES, teacher: Tony Blair, because he is such a hypocrite. The Labour Party has become now the Conservative Party with a small 'c'. But despite that he's still a goddam commie. And I don't like David Blunkett either. He's horrible, he is. So arrogant on the TV.

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