I think there's something quite charming about six arses, and something quite biological about six penises. Maybe I'm just a prude after all this!

Peter Cattaneo, director of The Full Monty, Independent

Oh darling, he looks like a foetus!

Joan Collins, actress, on Tory leader William Hague, Times

It's a good job, I mean, I've wanted this since I was a kid ... and there's no heavy lifting.

Mike Myers, the man behind Austin Powers and Wayne's World, on his career, Time Out

"There but for the grace of God go I." I know a lot of really talented people in Toronto who didn't get a break. I do have a horseshoe up my butt which I polish.

Mike Myers, ibid

Sometimes it takes me a while to understand, but once I've got it I'm good at explaining it.

Swingometer king, Peter Snow, recently moved to Tomorrow's World, on his unscientific background, Radio Times

We simply can't give roasted swans to the public this season.

Derek Deane, artistic director of the English National Ballet - now rehearsing Swan Lake - on his decision to ban dancers from sunbathing, Time Out

He had the most amazing dress sense. One day he would turn up in a sailor's outfit, the next he would be looking like Humphrey Bogart.

An ex-classmate of Pierce Brosnan on the Bond actor's early style, Guardian

If you want to look like an actor, be sure to dress like Pierce Brosnan.

Brosnan's teacher's advice to the rest of the class, ibid

Terry Wogan.

Carol Vorderman, TV presenter, asked "What is your favourite thing?" by Radio Times

The advantage with them is that you can watch them with the sound off.

George Harrison, former Beatle, on the Spice Girls, Independent

I keep thinking of those stupid bastard times when I kept reading the newspaper whilst he's in the room with me. I've decided it's ALL WRONG!

John Lennon, writing to his ex-wife Cynthia in 1965, on his regrets about his relationship with his son Julian, Times

A lot of people are waiting to see if the Friends will fail ... If it's a game, then there's something wrong with people and the world.

Jennifer Aniston, Friend and haircut, Guardian

I want to preserve the innocence that is so crucial to Teletubbies.

Anne Wood, creator of Teletubbies, Daily Telegraph

dren's series. She had not planned on that standpoint being appreciated by ravers coming down after a night's fun. She is resolute in resisting the lure of capitalising on the show's cult status and providing merchandise for the adult audience.

"I want to preserve the innocence that is so crucial to Teletubbies."

Daily Telegraph

Sometimes Dickens does drive you mad with gooey goodness. When Bella Wilfer...starts treating her father as a child and talks to her husband in a chatter that would disgust any self-respecting baby, then it is all but unbearable.

-Melvin Bragg, after "indiscriminate" reading of Dickens's Our Mutual Friend.

The Times.

I'd put, "Sitting around in the house reading football transfer speculation. In the papers and on Ceefax".

-Frankie Boyle, the winner of last years Daily Telegraph Open Mike Award, on his honesty when filling out the "hobbies and interests" sections of job applications.

The Daily Telegraph.

Somewhere inside his head, one senses, Francis Bacon is repainting the Bates Motel.

JG Ballard on David Lynch. Time Out.