PARTY ON, CELEBS : Metropolitan Life

HOW TO GET THEM TO YOUR DO Make them jealous ... create a shiny list of greater celebs and toffs who are to attend.

Cook up a charity ... preferably environmental or human - Friends of the Tuscan Rhino, perhaps, or Glaucoma Tots in Guatemala - so celeb feels party is 'worthwhile'.

Make a visual stunt ... for example, send a white Harley-Davidson with a zebra skin seat to pick celeb up.

Dress your friends up as paparazzi ... angling waistcoats, telephoto lenses, and range them at the door of your venue, which is not, repeat not, your bedsit. When celeb arrives, get them to snap like crazy and shout name: "Cindy! Cindy! Over 'ere Cindy!"

Employ ... a blond clipboard Rottweiler and black-tied velvet rope operator to give impression of exclusivity.

Supply ... the three Cs: champagne, champagne, champagne. Do not be too far from the celeb corridor, that is, west central London. And finally, pay your celebrity to attend.

WHO THEY ARE ...

Celebutantes: Tara Palmer Tomkinson and Mogens Tholstrup; Tamara Beckwith; Tania Bryer; Robbie Williams; Valerie Campbell

Absolutely Ubiquitous: Simon and Yasmin le Bon; Paula Yates; Mica Paris; Dani Behr; Paula Hamilton

Old Campaigners: Jerry Hall; Marie Helvin; Bill Wyman; Britt Ekland; Susan Hampshire

Sticky Fingers: Bill Wyman's Kensington burger bar has an annual bash renowned as a magnet for nearly famous totty and their wolfish acolytes

Krug's annual party: a roll-call of celebrities, attracted by each other as well as multitudinous bottles of the effervescent product

Ascot: golden oldie that has never lost its lustre: fashion, royals, high coverage potential - it's got the lot

Planet Hollywood: favoured by cheesier end of the market. Regular drip- feed of launch parties yields high return of hungry celebs

Hamilton's: the photographic gallery in Mayfair attracts regular smattering of celebs to private views, lured by semi-celeb stakeholder Tim Jeffreys. Ostracised smokers lurking outside have to be careful not to obscure snappers' views