Poetic licence

After 10 years of wrangling, Eurocrats have decreed that all condoms sold in EU states must be made to one standard. The minimum size has been increased from the old British 6.4 inches to the more generous 6.75 inches favoured by the well-blessed Norwegians

THE EURO-CONDOM

After long negotiations

And examining of rules

Then the forming of a quango

On the Euro family jewels

Came a tangle over measures

And a wrangle over weights

On the minimum requirement

For the leading member states

The Belgian chairman uttered

"It's as broad as it is long."

While a British colleague sputtered,

"Then you're measuring it wrong

With inaccuracies legion

We must look to a Norwegian

Since they gain in certain areas

What they seem to lack in song."

Then a Danish spokesman stated

That it made him rather proud

Of his fellow Scandinavians

But it shouldn't be allowed

Since it might dismay Italians

Who as European stallions

Must maintain a reputation

For being trouserly endowed

So the conversation covered

Every facet and position

Might the teat need reassessing

For a standardised emission?

And the ribbing calibrations?

Should they leave them as they are?

What about the lubrication?

Could they stretch a point too far?

But the one thing they agreed on

As a Euro pre-condition

Was that cellophane on packets

Should remain to blight coition

So that European lovers

Irrespective of their nation

End up cursing in the darkness

On the brink of copulation

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Account Manager - South West

    £25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity to join ...

    Recruitment Genius: Administrator - IT - Fixed Term, Part Time

    £17340 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Come and join one of the UK's leading ca...

    Recruitment Genius: Property Sales Consultant - Chinese Speaking - OTE £70,000

    £18000 - £70000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Opportunity for a Fluent Chines...

    Recruitment Genius: AV Installation Engineer

    £27000 - £33000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to business growth, this is...

    Day In a Page

    Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

    How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

    Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
    Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

    'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

    In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
    Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

    The Arab Spring reversed

    Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
    King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

    Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

    Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
    Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

    Who is Oliver Bonas?

    It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
    Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

    Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

    However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
    60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

    60 years of Scalextric

    Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
    Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

    Why are we addicted to theme parks?

    Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
    Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

    Iran is opening up again to tourists

    After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
    10 best PS4 games

    10 best PS4 games

    Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
    Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

    Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

    Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
    Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

    ‘Can we really just turn away?’

    Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

    ... and not just because of Isis vandalism
    Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

    Girl on a Plane

    An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent