Real Bodies: AUNTY AG UNCLE ONY

Two heads are better than one. Aunty Ag and Uncle Ony explain how to handle fussy bosses, land a job in television and what to say when you're (wrongly) accused of being pregnant

I'm always very busy at work because I work for three different people at once. They are all quite particular and fussy about the way they want things done and I am key to their executive roles - it's a very responsible position. However, they have no notion of co-ordinating their workloads and staggering my tasks to make things a bit easier for me. Is there any way I can sort this out?

Maeve, via e-mail

Aunty Ag: If you're feeling brave, get yourself a decent agent and whenever your bosses ask you to do anything, refer them to him (or her). Then he or she can take the strain of pointedly refusing new tasks when your diary gets too full. This may rapidly lead them to get so fed up they sack you, but if not it may jolt them into realising how much pressure you are under. A less drastic measure is to fall ill. Fade gracefully into bed with that flu that's currently doing the rounds; it takes a good fortnight to recover completely. At worst you'll get two weeks of lounging around at home; at best, when they realise they need a temp each to replace you, they will be a bit more considerate.

Uncle Ony: Soldiering on in this way does nobody any good. It makes you resentful and from your bosses' point of view it makes you less efficient. Evidently you need extra help, perhaps in the form of an assistant, which would be a most reasonable request for you to put to them. However, given your insistence on your bosses' "fussiness" and your "key" position, I wonder if you actually relish the power it gives you over them. This kind of control-freakiness will do you no good in the long term, if it stops you from doing your job properly. Let go a bit and everyone will benefit.

This morning I opened the door to the postman in my pyjamas. He apologised for getting me out of bed, then looked me up and down and said, "Still, you'll be having plenty of sleepless nights soon!" I realised he thought I was pregnant! I don't think I'm that fat. (I enclose a recent photo.) What's worse is that I felt too ashamed to deny it because on balance I'd rather people thought I was pregnant than porky. What do you think?

Elizabeth, London

Aunty Ag: What a ridiculous man. You are not fat at all. You know those amusing T-shirts the sprog-bound wear: "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant"? Perhaps you could get one of those printed up saying "I am neither fat nor pregnant" and make a point of answering the door in it early in the mornings.

Uncle Ony: From a male perspective it is hard to comprehend the pressures on today's ordinary women, constantly the subject of cruel comparisons with media images of the slender and beautiful. I can but sympathise. This tyranny should and must cease! Your postman is merely reacting to all the posters and photographs and features he has seen over the years that feature the young, skinny and gorgeous. So you're none of these - well, so what? There are lots of women in the same boat, so don't feel downcast. You probably have a delightful personality and we all know that's what really counts!

I was interested to read that the Big Breakfast presenter Kelly Brook can't read her autocue and gets people's names wrong all the time. I can read and wonder if I might be in with a chance at this kind of thing.

Zena, Wolverhampton

Aunty Ag: Being able to read is not the point, I'm afraid. Looking good in a skin-tight satin frock with a surface area of approximately 10 square centimetres is the point. And flirting with Johnny Vaughan is the point. There is more to this wiggly-giggly style of television presenting than meets the eye. And just think what time you'd have to get up in the morning.

Uncle Ony: Why would you want to? I can think of no more degrading job than being the bit of fluff in this kind of programme, valued not for your brains and personality but for your pert bosoms, cascading hair, pouting lips, firm young thighs, rounded hips, ogled by men with only one thing on their mind ... anyway, you get my drift. It would be a pointless, empty existence. I'm sure there are plenty of charities in your area that would welcome your skill with words, so why not take up a more worthwhile option?

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Clinical Lead / RGN

    £40000 - £42000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

    Recruitment Genius: IT Sales Consultant

    £35000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This IT support company has a n...

    Recruitment Genius: Works Engineer

    Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A works engineer is required in a progressive ...

    Recruitment Genius: Trainee Hire Manager - Tool Hire

    £21000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Our client is seeking someone w...

    Day In a Page

    Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

    ‘Can we really just turn away?’

    Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

    ... and not just because of Isis vandalism
    Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

    Girl on a Plane

    An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent
    Markus Persson: If being that rich is so bad, why not just give it all away?

    That's a bit rich

    The billionaire inventor of computer game Minecraft says he is bored, lonely and isolated by his vast wealth. If it’s that bad, says Simon Kelner, why not just give it all away?
    Euro 2016: Chris Coleman on course to end half a century of hurt for Wales

    Coleman on course to end half a century of hurt for Wales

    Wales last qualified for major tournament in 1958 but after several near misses the current crop can book place at Euro 2016 and end all the indifference
    Rugby World Cup 2015: The tournament's forgotten XV

    Forgotten XV of the rugby World Cup

    Now the squads are out, Chris Hewett picks a side of stars who missed the cut
    A groundbreaking study of 'Britain's Atlantis' long buried at the bottom of the North Sea could revolutionise how we see our prehistoric past

    Britain's Atlantis

    Scientific study beneath North Sea could revolutionise how we see the past
    The Queen has 'done and said nothing that anybody will remember,' says Starkey

    The Queen has 'done and said nothing that anybody will remember'

    David Starkey's assessment
    Oliver Sacks said his life has been 'an enormous privilege and adventure'

    'An enormous privilege and adventure'

    Oliver Sacks writing about his life
    'Gibraltar is British, and it is going to stay British forever'

    'Gibraltar is British, and it is going to stay British forever'

    The Rock's Chief Minister hits back at Spanish government's 'lies'
    Britain is still addicted to 'dirty coal'

    Britain still addicted to 'dirty' coal

    Biggest energy suppliers are more dependent on fossil fuel than a decade ago
    Orthorexia nervosa: How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition

    Orthorexia nervosa

    How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition
    Lady Chatterley is not obscene, says TV director

    Lady Chatterley’s Lover

    Director Jed Mercurio on why DH Lawrence's novel 'is not an obscene story'
    Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests

    Set a pest to catch a pest

    Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests