Real Bodies: Rehab Notes

ON FRIDAY night, we had our weekly "film show": a video. We're allowed to choose the video, the only proviso being that it can't contain scenes of drinking, sex, gambling, violence, shopping, relationship addiction, eating or - if it exists yet on screen - compulsive helping. Try this sometime in your local video shop. The Incredible Journey looms large, as does Free Willie, though both are in the danger zone, thanks to their portrayed sympathy towards compulsive helping.

As it happened, Cynthia arrived at the clinic on Thursday night. She is a pretty 35-year old from Bradford, admitted for heroin and sex addiction. She was all over the place and the usual good people, or compulsive helpers as we must now call them, instantly looked after her. One, Marjorie, once helped someone so compulsively that she landed in hospital with a life- threatening asthma attack.

But after much jostling for position, it was Nathan, our 16-year-old gambling addict, compulsive liar and nouveau over-eater, who got closest to Cynthia. We should have been suspicious: Nathan is never any help at all, let alone compulsive.

I can't remember what film we chose, so it was probably Carousel. The chairs in the sitting room were lined up in rows. The sofa at the back contained Cynthia and Nathan. The lights went out.

It was after the film was over, when we smokers were "enjoying" a cigarette break in the biting cold outside, that Nathan revealed: "I shagged Cynthia during the film."

You have to know Nathan to understand properly the dilemma this put us in. He's the most unlikely back row shagger imaginable. He's very large, prefers sweets to sex - at any rate, with another person - slobbers a lot and is intensely irritating. On the other hand, Cynthia is a sex addict.

If addiction were scientifically provable, shagging Nathan on a sofa in a sock-smelly room while watching Carousel would probably constitute the acid test. Cynthia fiercely denied it.

So. Did we believe Nathan, a compulsive liar, that they did shag, or Cynthia, a sex addict, that they didn't? Opinion seethed back and forth. At Process Group on Saturday morning, it all came out in one colossal heave. Nathan admitted he'd been lying, Cynthia socked him in the mouth and, within 15 minutes, her bag was packed and a taxi was called: no hitting is the unbreakable rule. Lust for violence against Nathan for this injustice, however, was huge. And that's just from watching Carousel.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Installation and Service / Security Engineer

    £22000 - £40000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is part of a Group...

    Recruitment Genius: Service Charge Accounts Assistant

    £16000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you a a young, dynamic pers...

    Cancer Research UK: Corporate Partnerships Volunteer Events Coordinator – London

    Voluntary: Cancer Research UK: We’re looking for someone to support our award ...

    Ashdown Group: Head of IT - Hertfordshire - £90,000

    £70000 - £90000 per annum + bonus + car allowance + benefits: Ashdown Group: H...

    Day In a Page

    Arsenal vs Chelsea: Praise to Arsene Wenger for having the courage of his convictions

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    Praise to Wenger for having the courage of his convictions
    Major medical journal Lancet under attack for 'extremist hate propaganda' over its coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict

    Lancet accused of 'anti-Israel hate propaganda' over coverage of Gaza conflict

    Threat to free speech as publishers of renowned medical journal are accused of inciting hatred and violence
    General Election 2015: Tories and Lib Dems throw their star names west to grab votes

    All noisy on the Lib Dems' western front

    The party has deployed its big guns in Cornwall to save its seats there. Simon Usborne heads to the heart of the battle
    How Etsy became a crafty little earner: The online market has been floated for £1.2bn, but can craft and capitalism coexist?

    How Etsy became a crafty little earner

    The online market has been floated for £1.2bn, but can craft and capitalism coexist?
    Guy Ritchie is the latest filmmaker to tackle King Arthur - one of our most versatile heroes

    King Arthur is inspiring Guy Ritchie

    Raluca Radulescu explains why his many permutations - from folk hero to chick-lit hunk - never cease to fascinate
    Apple Watch: Will it live up to expectations for the man or woman on the street?

    Apple Watch: Will it live up to expectations?

    The Apple Watch has apparently sold millions even before its launch tomorrow
    Don't fear the artichoke: it's a good cook's staple, with more choice than you'd think

    Don't fear the artichoke

    Artichokes are scary - they've got spikes and hairy bits, and British cooks tend to give them a wide berth. But they're an essential and delicious part of Italian cuisine
    11 best men's socks

    11 best men's socks

    Make a statement with your accessories, starting from the bottom up
    Paul Scholes column: Eden Hazard would be my Player of the Year – but I wonder if he has that appetite for goals of Messi or Ronaldo

    Paul Scholes column

    Hazard would be my Player of the Year – but I wonder if he has that appetite for goals of Messi or Ronaldo
    Frank Warren: Tyson Fury will be closely watching Wladimir Klitschko... when he wins it'll be time to do a deal

    Frank Warren's Ringside

    Tyson Fury will be closely watching Wladimir Klitschko... when he wins it'll be time to do a deal
    London Marathon 2015: Kenya's brothers in arms Wilson Kipsang and Dennis Kimetto ready to take on world

    Kenya's brothers in arms take on world

    Last year Wilson Kipsang had his marathon record taken off him by training partner and friend Dennis Kimetto. They talk about facing off in the London Marathon
    Natalie Bennett interview: I've lost track of the last time I saw my Dad but it's not because I refuse to fly

    Natalie Bennett interview: I've lost track of the last time I saw my Dad

    Green leader prefers to stay clear of her 'painful' family memories but is more open about 'utterly unreasonable' personal attacks
    Syria conflict: Khorasan return with a fresh influx of fighters awaiting the order to start 'shooting the birds'

    Khorasan is back in Syria

    America said these al-Qaeda militants were bombed out of the country last year - but Kim Sengupta hears a different story
    General Election 2015: Is William Cash the man to woo Warwickshire North for Ukip?

    On the campaign trail with Ukip

    Is William Cash the man to woo Warwickshire North?
    Four rival Robin Hood movies get Hollywood go-head - and Friar Tuck will become a superhero

    Expect a rush on men's tights

    Studios line up four Robin Hoods productions