Real Lives: Debate

Like James Major and Emma Noble, would you say "I do" to 'Hello!' featuring your wedding? Two brides-to-be weigh-up the lure of the large advance versus the stigma of exposure in Britain's cheesiest glossy

CHARLOTTE MULLINS

Four weeks until I say "I do", and still no word from Hello! And do I care? Not one iota. I can't think of a faster way to ruin my big day than to agree to having a press photographer stick his lens down my cleavage, up the aisle and into my newly-wed life.

Can you imagine the intimidation you would feel being a guest at my wedding, knowing that at any moment Mr Snapper could pounce and, worse, that you could then find yourself printed larger-than-life in that Hello! technicolour that makes diamonds and Dynasty-style dresses look dim in comparison? And could you bear having to compete with all the Ivanas and Imeldas and Gazzas splashed across its shiny pages? The whole day would have to be lived with improvised face-lifts - sticky tape behind the ears - a smile cemented in place and no eating or drinking (imagine if you were caught dribbling?).

Even if you enjoyed the 15-minutes-of-fame aspect of the whole spectacle, my husband-to-be and I would have to face years and years of cringing at the anodyne Hello!-style blurb that accompanies each revealing mega-pic. I know how women of a certain age pore over these things, and the thought of a room full of blue-rinses saying, "Why on earth did they feature her? Look at the state of her dress!" or, "Who is she again? Didn't I see her on TV once in a pet-food advert?" leaves me colder than the ice in the Majors' gin and tonics. And, as if that's not enough, the superstitious should beware the rumoured Hello! curse: marriage in Hello! Divorce in a momento.

It is the intrusion into what should be an intimate family day that makes me query why anyone says yes to appearing in such magazines. I'm sure Major minor isn't short of dosh but I guess almost half a million would be tempting. Until you think about how you have to earn it.

No matter how much money you have, one fact remains - it will only be your (first) wedding day once. You only get one shot at walking down the aisle, kissing your husband for the first time, having your first dance. My day will remain how I want to remember, not how a press photographer crafted it to be seen - the idea of a stranger telling me to walk into church again because he didn't have his flash on or turn the cake around and cut it again as he missed the action is ridiculous. I'm looking forward to my wedding being image-free - no pics of me throwing my bouquet to my single male friends as a joke, or giving a slurry wedding speech, dancing to Iggy Pop or doing tequila slammers.

For all my blustering, I don't think Hello! would have photographed my wedding, even if I had asked it to. Not because of my fame content (I've been on BBC News 24 once, so I'm sure I qualify as a potential Hello! starlet), but because my wedding will be near Leeds. I don't think they'd like the lucky horseshoe of power stations around the church, or the Yorkshire Post jazz band booked to play. I'm looking forward to it, particularly as Hello! won't be there. And anyway, I'm still waiting for OK! to return my calls.

MIRANDA

McMINN

Would I invite Hello! to my wedding? My instant reaction is, of course, that I could never debase the sanctity of my impending marriage with a vulgar publicity stunt like that.

But then I think about the money my intended and I could make and I know I'd be mad to refuse it. I have no rich relations, a lazy disposition and I gave up doing the National Lottery when I read that if you buy a ticket at the start of the week, you have more chance of being dead by Saturday than winning the jackpot.

And it's not as if I'd suffer the indignities other subjects have foregone. I could learn from the experiences of certain brave celebrities who have gone up the aisle before me. Scary Spice, for instance, had a tunnel built leading out of the church so no one could spy on her nuptials. Emma Noble's dress was shielded from the public by ungainly screens lest anyone glimpse her frock before Hello! readers. And anyway, let's face it, the only people who would give a toss about what I was wearing would be there.

Of course, I might have to pay the guests off to compensate for a nation laughing at their hair and their American tan tights and generally commenting on who the hell they think they are. But no, on second thoughts, I think the nonstop flow of champagne would be ample reward. Having upwards of pounds 100,000 at one's disposal would certainly put an end to the O-level maths conversations we've been having recently: "If you buy "x" bottles of champagne at pounds x each, multiply by six, and divide by y guests, that's "z" glasses each - before we're onto the warm white wine."

There are a few additional considerations. In keeping with the spirit of Hello!, would I have to dye my hair canary yellow, wear orange foundation and sport piercing blue contact lenses? Would my mother have to sport a Hyacinth Bucket-style dress, hat and handbag combo? Would my intended have to swap his classic Paul Smith suit for tails, wing collars and a bootlace tie? Who cares? Hello! are coming to the wedding and we're going to be rich!

But it's not just about the money. Good lord, I'm not that shallow. There's also the fact that Hello! is a national institution. (It is important to note that only Hello! is invited, not its nouveau cousin, OK!, about which the only good thing to say is it makes Hello! look classy.)

For Hello! has given me some of the happiest reading moments of my life. When you're low, it's Prozac on paper. Who could forget the wonderful zillion-page special on the (now defunct) marriage of Paul and Sheryl Gascoigne - with pictures of the groom plastered in the Gents. Or Sting's marriage to Trudi Styler, a restrained affair where the bridegroom turned up to church on a white horse.

I'll never tire of the elegant Prince Rainier of Monaco and lovely Princess Caroline, or the very attractive Spanish royals. Who they are, what they do and why they are here, I neither know nor care. But I'd be happy to be in their company. Who knows, I might even invite the Marquesa...

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Windows 3rd Line System Administrator

    £35000 - £39000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

    Recruitment Genius: Lifting Equipment Service / Installation Engineer

    £24000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Lifting Equipment Service/Ins...

    Recruitment Genius: Junior / Apprentice Sales Executives - OTE £50,000

    £11000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This financial company offer ma...

    Guru Careers: International Project Coordinator / Account Coordinator

    Circa £26,500 DOE: Guru Careers: An International Project Coordinator / Accoun...

    Day In a Page

    Turkey-Kurdish conflict: Obama's deal with Ankara is a betrayal of Syrian Kurds and may not even weaken Isis

    US betrayal of old ally brings limited reward

    Since the accord, the Turks have only waged war on Kurds while no US bomber has used Incirlik airbase, says Patrick Cockburn
    VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but doubts linger over security

    'A gift from Egypt to the rest of the world'

    VIPs gather for opening of second Suez Canal - but is it really needed?
    Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

    Jeremy Corbyn dresses abysmally. That's a great thing because it's genuine

    Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, applauds a man who clearly has more important things on his mind
    The male menopause and intimations of mortality

    Aches, pains and an inkling of mortality

    So the male menopause is real, they say, but what would the Victorians, 'old' at 30, think of that, asks DJ Taylor
    Man Booker Prize 2015: Anna Smaill - How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?

    'How can I possibly be on the list with these writers I have idolised?'

    Man Booker Prize nominee Anna Smaill on the rise of Kiwi lit
    Bettany Hughes interview: The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems

    Bettany Hughes interview

    The historian on how Socrates would have solved Greece's problems
    Art of the state: Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China

    Art of the state

    Pyongyang propaganda posters to be exhibited in China
    Mildreds and Vanilla Black have given vegetarian food a makeover in new cookbooks

    Vegetarian food gets a makeover

    Long-time vegetarian Holly Williams tries to recreate some of the inventive recipes in Mildreds and Vanilla Black's new cookbooks
    The haunting of Shirley Jackson: Was the gothic author's life really as bleak as her fiction?

    The haunting of Shirley Jackson

    Was the gothic author's life really as bleak as her fiction?
    Bill Granger recipes: Heading off on holiday? Try out our chef's seaside-inspired dishes...

    Bill Granger's seaside-inspired recipes

    These dishes are so easy to make, our chef is almost embarrassed to call them recipes
    Ashes 2015: Tourists are limp, leaderless and distinctly UnAustralian

    Tourists are limp, leaderless and distinctly UnAustralian

    A woefully out-of-form Michael Clarke embodies his team's fragile Ashes campaign, says Michael Calvin
    Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza

    Andrew Grice: Inside Westminster

    Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza
    HMS Victory: The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

    The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

    Exclusive: David Keys reveals the research that finally explains why HMS Victory went down with the loss of 1,100 lives
    Survivors of the Nagasaki atomic bomb attack: Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism

    'I saw people so injured you couldn't tell if they were dead or alive'

    Nagasaki survivors on why Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism
    Jon Stewart: The voice of Democrats who felt Obama had failed to deliver on his 'Yes We Can' slogan, and the voter he tried hardest to keep onside

    The voter Obama tried hardest to keep onside

    Outgoing The Daily Show host, Jon Stewart, became the voice of Democrats who felt the President had failed to deliver on his ‘Yes We Can’ slogan. Tim Walker charts the ups and downs of their 10-year relationship on screen