Revelations: It's written in the cards...

What does your Christmas card reveal about your personality? Tony Blair's showed himself and his children - as a Prime Minister you could actually trust. William Hague's depicted Pitt the Younger - presumably as the most recent Conservative Prime Minister who you could actually trust. So beware... your card could be saying more than you think...

Charity card: I am a really caring and compassionate person, even though I only buy the nice Greenpeace designs with whales and stuff and not the strange ones painted by amputee women using their feet (because, frankly, my five-year-old could draw better than that). And this is, after all, the era of "compassion with a hard edge".

Large, glossy card with enclosed "Family Newsletter": I am a pretentious middle-class prat, and so is each and every member of my immediate family. Here is a rundown of their paltry achievements if further proof were needed.

Card depicting the Baby Jesus in a lowly cattle shed: you have received a promotional mail-out from the British Meat Marketing Commission.

Card depicting a Christmas tree bedecked with softly-glowing candles: you have received a promotional mail-out from the British Tallow Marketing Commission.

Really tacky and tasteless musical card: I was going to buy you some really tacky and tasteless musical socks, but I didn't know your size. This will prove just as irritating when your children play with it constantly at the dinner table.

Card with Dubious Sexual Joke: may revolve around a) Santa "coming" down the chimney; b) filling of stockings and stuffing of birds; or c) alternative red extremities with which Rudolf may be endowed - I want you to think I am exceedingly witty and a bit of a "lad", despite the fact that I haven't had any sexual contact with anyone since that brief snog encounter under the mistletoe last Christmas (and even that was with Drunk Uncle Jack).

Belated card (with optional message reading "sorry if this gets delayed in the post!"): I have picked up a whole box of cards reduced to 20p in the January sales.

Large pink card depicting rabbit dressed as Santa and printed message "Christmas Wishes to a Darling Little Girl": charmingly thoughtful if from an elderly female relative to a small child. Psychologically disturbing if from your boss, if you are over the age of 40, or if you are a bloke (of any age).

Card wishing recipient a "Joyeux Noel", "Bonne Annee" or "Frohliches Weihnachten": I am strongly in favour of closer Economic Union. My idea of dealing with leftover turkey is to allow them into Europe providing they meet with all the required convergence criteria.

E-mailed card: I am on the cutting edge of technology, and also aware of the fact that I can save at least 26p a card by not actually buying any this year. (However, since I only have about three friends left, such a saving is of little importance in the long run.)

Card showing a jolly bearded fellow in a red suit, surrounded by Elves: I am Robin Cook, and Tony told me it was good PR to send cards with a photo of you and your family on the front.

Card showing blessed Virgin, meek and mild: I am still not convinced by all this Girl Power stuff.

Card with cheque inside: I am warm, caring, and probably about to ask you a large favour.

Postcard from Barbados: I am just trying to make you jealous that I'm rich enough to escape Christmas in the bloody British climate.

Postcard from Bermuda: I am Geoffrey Robinson MP.

Hand-made card: I am a highly artistic type, and consequently spend my entire day sitting around with sod all to do except make Christmas cards. Being on benefit, I also have no money to spend on Christmas cards (even those horrid cheapo ones from Woolies).

Personalised card with family photo on the front: I am so fundamentally insecure that I feel the need to provide photographic proof that someone has finally agreed to marry and/or have children with me. Given the stressful nature of Christmas in the 1990s, this may also be a useful reminder of the last time the whole family was actually together.

Personalised card with family photo on the front, if you are a politician: I have a lot of cards to send and getting Euan to do them on his computer works out much cheaper. Also, it'll save having to do a photocall by the garden gate if I'm implicated in a sex scandal during the next 12 months.

Personalised card with passport photo on the front: I am Jack Straw, trying to introduce identity cards by the back door.

Black-edged card inscribed with message of sincere condolence: I am a killjoy.

Bright yellow card reading "Royal Mail called but you were out. Your parcel(s) have been returned to the Sorting Office for collection after 27/12/97": you will not be getting any Christmas presents this year. Ha! (And, incidentally, we've already broken them all by trying unsuccessfully to shove them through your letterbox.)

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Administrative Assistant / Order Fulfilment

    £14000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An exciting opportunity to join a thrivi...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulta...

    Recruitment Genius: Production Operative

    £13000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to a period of sustained an...

    Day In a Page

    Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

    How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

    Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
    Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

    'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

    In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
    Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

    The Arab Spring reversed

    Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
    King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

    Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

    Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
    Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

    Who is Oliver Bonas?

    It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
    Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

    Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

    However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
    60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

    60 years of Scalextric

    Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones
    Theme parks continue to draw in thrill-seekers despite the risks - so why are we so addicted?

    Why are we addicted to theme parks?

    Now that Banksy has unveiled his own dystopian version, Christopher Beanland considers the ups and downs of our endless quest for amusement
    Tourism in Iran: The country will soon be opening up again after years of isolation

    Iran is opening up again to tourists

    After years of isolation, Iran is reopening its embassies abroad. Soon, there'll be the chance for the adventurous to holiday there
    10 best PS4 games

    10 best PS4 games

    Can’t wait for the new round of blockbusters due out this autumn? We played through last year’s offering
    Transfer window: Ten things we learnt

    Ten things we learnt from the transfer window

    Record-breaking spending shows FFP restraint no longer applies
    Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

    ‘Can we really just turn away?’

    Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

    ... and not just because of Isis vandalism
    Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

    Girl on a Plane

    An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent