Revelations: It's written in the cards...

What does your Christmas card reveal about your personality? Tony Blair's showed himself and his children - as a Prime Minister you could actually trust. William Hague's depicted Pitt the Younger - presumably as the most recent Conservative Prime Minister who you could actually trust. So beware... your card could be saying more than you think...

Charity card: I am a really caring and compassionate person, even though I only buy the nice Greenpeace designs with whales and stuff and not the strange ones painted by amputee women using their feet (because, frankly, my five-year-old could draw better than that). And this is, after all, the era of "compassion with a hard edge".

Large, glossy card with enclosed "Family Newsletter": I am a pretentious middle-class prat, and so is each and every member of my immediate family. Here is a rundown of their paltry achievements if further proof were needed.

Card depicting the Baby Jesus in a lowly cattle shed: you have received a promotional mail-out from the British Meat Marketing Commission.

Card depicting a Christmas tree bedecked with softly-glowing candles: you have received a promotional mail-out from the British Tallow Marketing Commission.

Really tacky and tasteless musical card: I was going to buy you some really tacky and tasteless musical socks, but I didn't know your size. This will prove just as irritating when your children play with it constantly at the dinner table.

Card with Dubious Sexual Joke: may revolve around a) Santa "coming" down the chimney; b) filling of stockings and stuffing of birds; or c) alternative red extremities with which Rudolf may be endowed - I want you to think I am exceedingly witty and a bit of a "lad", despite the fact that I haven't had any sexual contact with anyone since that brief snog encounter under the mistletoe last Christmas (and even that was with Drunk Uncle Jack).

Belated card (with optional message reading "sorry if this gets delayed in the post!"): I have picked up a whole box of cards reduced to 20p in the January sales.

Large pink card depicting rabbit dressed as Santa and printed message "Christmas Wishes to a Darling Little Girl": charmingly thoughtful if from an elderly female relative to a small child. Psychologically disturbing if from your boss, if you are over the age of 40, or if you are a bloke (of any age).

Card wishing recipient a "Joyeux Noel", "Bonne Annee" or "Frohliches Weihnachten": I am strongly in favour of closer Economic Union. My idea of dealing with leftover turkey is to allow them into Europe providing they meet with all the required convergence criteria.

E-mailed card: I am on the cutting edge of technology, and also aware of the fact that I can save at least 26p a card by not actually buying any this year. (However, since I only have about three friends left, such a saving is of little importance in the long run.)

Card showing a jolly bearded fellow in a red suit, surrounded by Elves: I am Robin Cook, and Tony told me it was good PR to send cards with a photo of you and your family on the front.

Card showing blessed Virgin, meek and mild: I am still not convinced by all this Girl Power stuff.

Card with cheque inside: I am warm, caring, and probably about to ask you a large favour.

Postcard from Barbados: I am just trying to make you jealous that I'm rich enough to escape Christmas in the bloody British climate.

Postcard from Bermuda: I am Geoffrey Robinson MP.

Hand-made card: I am a highly artistic type, and consequently spend my entire day sitting around with sod all to do except make Christmas cards. Being on benefit, I also have no money to spend on Christmas cards (even those horrid cheapo ones from Woolies).

Personalised card with family photo on the front: I am so fundamentally insecure that I feel the need to provide photographic proof that someone has finally agreed to marry and/or have children with me. Given the stressful nature of Christmas in the 1990s, this may also be a useful reminder of the last time the whole family was actually together.

Personalised card with family photo on the front, if you are a politician: I have a lot of cards to send and getting Euan to do them on his computer works out much cheaper. Also, it'll save having to do a photocall by the garden gate if I'm implicated in a sex scandal during the next 12 months.

Personalised card with passport photo on the front: I am Jack Straw, trying to introduce identity cards by the back door.

Black-edged card inscribed with message of sincere condolence: I am a killjoy.

Bright yellow card reading "Royal Mail called but you were out. Your parcel(s) have been returned to the Sorting Office for collection after 27/12/97": you will not be getting any Christmas presents this year. Ha! (And, incidentally, we've already broken them all by trying unsuccessfully to shove them through your letterbox.)

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Guru Careers: .NET Developer / Web Developer

    £35-45K (DOE) + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a .NET Developer / Web ...

    Recruitment Genius: Assistant Property Manager

    £18000 - £19000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you looking for your first ...

    Recruitment Genius: .NET Web / Software Developer - ASP.NET

    £28000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Small and agile digital marketi...

    Recruitment Genius: Trainee Accountant

    £12000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A national firm of chartered ce...

    Day In a Page

    Revealed: Why Mohammed Emwazi chose the 'safe option' of fighting for Isis, rather than following his friends to al-Shabaab in Somalia

    Why Mohammed Emwazi chose Isis

    His friends were betrayed and killed by al-Shabaab
    'The solution can never be to impassively watch on while desperate people drown'
An open letter to David Cameron: Building fortress Europe has had deadly results

    Open letter to David Cameron

    Building the walls of fortress Europe has had deadly results
    Tory candidates' tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they seem - you don't say!

    You don't say!

    Tory candidates' election tweets not as 'spontaneous' as they appear
    Mubi: Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash

    So what is Mubi?

    Netflix for people who want to stop just watching trash all the time
    The impossible job: how to follow Kevin Spacey?

    The hardest job in theatre?

    How to follow Kevin Spacey
    Armenian genocide: To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie

    Armenian genocide and the 'good Turks'

    To continue to deny the truth of this mass human cruelty is close to a criminal lie
    Lou Reed: The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond the biographers' and memoirists' myths

    'Lou needed care, but what he got was ECT'

    The truth about the singer's upbringing beyond
    Migrant boat disaster: This human tragedy has been brewing for four years and EU states can't say they were not warned

    This human tragedy has been brewing for years

    EU states can't say they were not warned
    Women's sportswear: From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help

    Women's sportswear

    From tackling a marathon to a jog in the park, the right kit can help
    Hillary Clinton's outfits will be as important as her policies in her presidential bid

    Clinton's clothes

    Like it or not, her outfits will be as important as her policies
    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders