The desire for a baby has been the most compelling in my life, far more than love or sex. When I had Grace, last year, after four years of trying, I felt complete. I thought I'd never want anything more.
I don't think of wanting as desire, unless it's for something I really don't need or shouldn't buy. So my desires are usually for rather odd, designer objects. The last thing was a book on Belgian Art Nouveau architecture. It was in Waterstone's, it cost pounds 50 and was absolutely beautiful. I was waiting for it to be reduced in the annual sale. I went in about five times to make sure no one had bought it. But when I went in after Christmas, there was no sale and the book had disappeared.
Otherwise, the main things you feel genuine desire for are food, drink, sleep. If I go out on a long bike ride, I might be weak with hunger, or terribly thirsty, and I think, "I must satiate, and I must do it now."
There are moments when you're looking at beautiful scenery - the Alps, for example - and you just don't know what to do. The point about great beauty is that it's not enough to speak about it, or to take a photograph of it. You have to do something, but there's nothing to do. It's as if you have a totally inappropriate chemical response. I desire to know what to do in the face of great beauty.
When I was little, my friend Primrose had these two dolls called "The Twins". I really, really wanted those. I started to save up my pocket money for them, but it took so long, Igave up on the idea.
As a teenager, I wanted a horse more than anything in the world. I lived for riding, the way a lot of schoolgirls do. It was a real, deep longing. I'd hang around the stables, muck out, sweep the yard, just to be near the animals and be a part of the ethos. I loved the smell of the tack room and the feed bins. It was almost an obsession. I even had an imaginary horse! He was a palomino and he was the most beautiful horse in the world. I won dozens of imaginary cups and rosettes on him. Then I discovered boys, fell in love, and lost all interest.
I suppose for me my fervent desires are generally to do with wanting, in a negative way, to get out of places. If I'm stuck on a train and someone's boring me to death, I feel like leaping off.
Also, something quite uncanny... I was talking to a vet the other day. He was shy and middle-aged, and I had an almost irresistible urge to give him a big kiss. It wasn't lust; I just wanted to lean over and give him a big smacker. I felt it once before, for this little chef person. I had complained that the garbanzo beans were not up to scratch, and he looked so distressed, he kept apologising. I just had this overwhelming impulse to kiss him.
I used to want some silver candlesticks, and I never got them. It seems a silly now. I don't know why I wanted them, except that we used to go to other people's houses, and they'd have them. And if I was going to have them, they would have to be good ones. I'd been on about them for ages, then we saw some in an antiques shop on the day my sister-in-law was cremated. But the shop was shut, and we never went back there again.
A Ferrari Testarossa. To own it, or even just to drive it. It has always been cars with me. Sex and cars. When I was in my twenties I bought a Triumph Herald convertible. It was pale blue and cost about pounds 600. It was the first car I ever had from new, and I just loved it. I had seen it in the showroom window and coveted it for weeks. I had to buy it, but I couldn't afford it. I cried when the hire-purchase company snatched it back. Now I feel as if I have some God-given right to a Ferrari. It is just a mistake that I don't have one.
Older women. I mean, glamorous older women, not mumsy ones. Women with long legs, in sheer stockings and grown-up underwear. Women who would not be seen dead without their make-up. Women with painted nails. When I saw The Graduate I was so envious of Benjamin; I thought he had it made with Mrs Robinson. He made the wrong choice with Elaine.
I desire to look like Patsy Kensit. I desire Liam Gallagher. Apart from that, it would be nice to know what I did want. I desire to know where my life is going.Reuse content