Scene One: Life in an idyllic English village. Birds are tweeting, flowers are blooming and there is no sign of Barbara Windsor. Gillian has been enjoying her new job as a pancreatic nurse, but today is playing hookey. She skips happily along a country lane with her young daughter. Enter Old Woman.
GT: Morning, what a beautiful day. It's wonderful to be away from all the trauma of London.
OW: S'pose it is if you haven't spent all day being blackmailed about your medical records because of the secret daughter you had when you were a teenager.
OW: Well you know what villages are like. Can't say a word or someone will blab. I remember the first time I saw my long-lost daughter, she was coming on strong to my son.
GT: That must have been difficult for you.
OW: Don't worry about it, in the end she died of a drug overdose. Terrible drug problem in the countryside. No place to bring up a child.
Daughter: What's that old lady saying, mummy?
GT: (in loud stage whisper). I think the old lady's a bit funny. Nothing like that happens in real life. (Walks on)
OW: Remember me to Dot when you see her.
Scene Two: The local tea room. GT walks in with her daughter. Silence falls
GT: Hello! A pot of Darjeeling and a Danish pastry please.
Server: You can have a cuppa and a butty. That's all we do.
GT: But this is the country. You must have fresh clotted cream and jam and scones?
Server: The only clots we've got round here, my love, are the Marshall Brothers. Haven't you heard of rural hardship?
(Enter two unattractive thugs. They have a huge argument, try to beat each other up, then cry and swear always to be brothers. Then both sip a cup of tea. Exit)
Server: There you go, there's the Marshall brothers. Which one did you fancy?
GT: I don't really...
Server: Well, it doesn't make any difference. You'll end up sleeping with both of them. Everyone does.
GT: (looking worried) Oh.
Server: That's if the vicar doesn't try it on first.
Scene Three: The traditional Tuesday Market. Gillian walks around the stalls.
Old Woman (again): That's pounds 2.50 to you, my dear.
GT: I don't really need any more nicknacks. Can you tell me where I can buy some fruit and vegetables?
OW: Tesco's. Over the bypass.
GT: But I thought... doesn't anyone sell their own organic farm produce?
OW: (baldly) No. Now do you want that rustic tea cosy made in Malaysia or not?
GT: Er. No, I don't think so.
Scene Four: Gillian is wandering disconsolately down the road.
GT: The country is not what I imagined. I thought it would be pretty and full of friendly people, and - oh gosh!
(She stops outside a small and beautiful church. Enter rather good-looking vicar)
GLV: Hello, I do hope you're going to be part of my flock.
GT: Oh, er - gosh
GLV: Actually I don't suppose you fancy a bit of unholy communion do you?(He pounces.)
GT: Oh, not again.
Scene Five: Charming rustic railway station. Enter Gillian and daughter.
GT: Two tickets to London, please. As soon as possible.