Tony Blair as Spinderella, the Principled Boy
Peter Mandelson as the Pantomime Dome
Gordon Brown as the Principal Bore
Harriet Harman and Clare Short as Blair's Babes in the Wood (non-speaking roles. Preferably)
William Hague as the Little Tory who never grew up
Mister Blobby as John Prescott
Portillo, Rifkind, Forsyth & Hamilton as the Lost Seat Boys
Christine Hamilton as the back end of a cow
A man dressed in women's clothes (to get on the women-only shortlist)
Paddy Ashdown as a Wishee Washee Liberal
Ken Coates and Hugh Kerr as the ugly ministers (non-supporting roles)
And special guest: Humphrey the cat as Puss
Plus: Several comedy U-turns
Scene: New Britain - a Fantasy Land.
`Spinderella', a pitiful figure, is busy sweeping issues under the carpet.
Narrator: Our pantomime starts back in May '97
As Britain wakes up in a New Labour heaven
Even in Sport - we get to the ball
And the future looks rosy (though not red at all).
But soon comes December. A sorrowful sight
Young Spinders is sobbing - let's hear of his plight
Principled boy: Boo-hoo! How I wish I was off at some party
Hanging around with the pop glitterati
"Jamming" with Liam and Noel (my mates!)
Harman (from the wings): ...And not turning up to important debates.
Principled boy: But this is a Grimm Tale - no fairy story.
Still - at least I'm not tainted by sleaze like the Tories.
Narrator: When suddenly - poof! In a thick cloud of smoke, comes:
Principled boy: My Blairy Godmother?
Narrator: That Ecclestone bloke.
Bernie: Oi, Tone! Here's a million to win you some voters.
If you let me advertise fags on my motors.
The Principled Boy nods his head and executes a quick pirouette.
Narrator: But over this issue our hero has blundered
And Bernie gets all of his money refunded.
Spinders unhappily sweeps up the embers
Scorned even by his own Cabinet members.
Rebel rump (of Pantomime Stalking-Horse): Ha! Where are your party faithful NOW?
Principled boy: They're behind me!
Ken Coates, Hugh Kerr, and the boys and girls in the audience: Oh, no, they aren't!
Principled boy: Oh, yes, they are!
Narrator: But away from this highly cerebral debate
Down on the farm - lurks a sinister fate ...
Scene: a farm.
Farmer Twanky is in the pigsty attending to a litter of newly arrived EC subsidy application forms. Jack, the agriculture minister, approaches with a pantomime cow.
Jack: Tell me - is this your 'eifer?
Farmer Twanky: Aye, that be moi Daisy.
Jack: Slaughter her, man! She's clearly gone crazy.
Give up the livestock and grow vegetation.
Here are some beans as your compensation.
The Pantomime Cow is slaughtered, culled and de-boned.
Cow: (cheekily) Moooo! I've always wanted to be "well hung"! (winks at audience)
Jack: Now that kind of humour I cannot condone.
Please take that joke back! It's far too near the bone.
Farmer Twanky: (sadly) Alas, alack, poor cow of mine.
Now just like Blair - she's got no spine!
Narrator: But old Farmer Twanky now makes a discovery
His handful of beans are ... the seeds of recovery!
Farmer Twanky plants the beans. They do sod all.
Farmer Twanky: Not a single green shoot! This could prove to be tragic.
Gordon, the Principal Bore: Well what are you waiting for - some sort of magic?
Narrator: So Spinders is down to his final lap-top
And it looks like his party is in for the chop
(The chop being certified boneless, of course,
And not from a cow but a pantomime horse).
"I just want somebody to love me" he pleads.
Gordon: Kiss a frog?
Principled Boy: What, suck up to those Euro MPs?
No - what I need now isn't more hocus-pocus
Find me a Group that'll help me to Focus...!
Exeunt Omnes to the Think-Tank.
Scene: a le in the Air (Tory Party HQ)
Hague and his wife, Fe-Fi-Fo-Ffion, are sleeping (in separate beds). Two new Labour MPs in stripy sweaters creep in on tiptoe. They are Blair's Ruthless Henchmen, or Banned-Its.
Narrator: Does Willie wake up? No, he just keeps snoring!
It's lucky political life is so boring ...
The robbers make off with Hague's manifesto. Enter Murdoch, a newspaper seller.
Murdoch: Mirror, Mirror, hot off the press
Whose is the party in distress?
The Principled Boy begins to sob.
Murdoch: Read all about it! A Golden Nest Egg
More government scandal!
Principled boy: Don't publish, I beg!
Murdoch: Geoffrey Robinson Crusoe is stranded tax-free
On an island that's - handily - way out to sea.
Principled Boy: If only I'd done that ...
Narrator: Our hero now curses
Principled boy: ... I might now be able to pay for some nurses.
Spinders glumly counts out the few beans left in his party coffers.
Principled Boy: Oh woe! I'm as poor as an unmarried mum ...
Narrator: But Aladdin Fayed with his Magic Lump Sum
Appears - like a genie, straight out of thin air!
Aladdin Fayed: You're in luck, I've a few f***in' quid I can spare.
One wave of my wad - and you'll be a rich geezer ... If you just grant me a full f***ing visa.
Narrator: Now it seems as though things really CANNOT get worse
(Meaning New Labour's fortunes, not simply this verse).
When Tony espies an enormous erection
A Dome - with a coating of Teflon protection!
Spinders calls Peter Mandini into No 10 and demands an explanation.
Mandini: (slaps thigh) It'll bring Britain credit!
Narrator: Mandini expounds.
Principled Boy: To the tune ...,
Narrator: - laments Spinders
Principled Boy: ... of millions of pounds!
Spinders sends Mandini away in shame.
Narrator: Spin again, Mandelson.
Potential Mayor of London Town ...
Principled Boy: (slaps head): Doh! If ONLY I still came across as Prince Charming.
Now I'm seen as dishonest and - oh NO! It's ... Harman!
Enter Harman, a traditional pantomime villain - to boos and hisses from all children in the audience. She has large, pendulous comedy breasts, and is evidently in need of more support. She is in hot pursuit of single Mother Goose and Snow White (whose child benefit form claims that she is the sole guardian of seven minors).
Harman: Fee, fi, fo, fum
I smell the blood of a single mum!
Be she disabled or just unwed
I'll grind her down to save some bread!
Exit Harman, laughing maniacally, to the DSS, but she leaves behind a glass slipper.
Principled Boy: Aha! Should this slipper fit anyone's gob
I promise - that person is out of a job.
Narrator: Blair's Babes in the Wood are now sorely afeard
But hark! Who's this gnome with a gingery beard?
A hairy homunculus this way now ventures
'Tis Cook - and seven New Labour frontbenchers!
Blair's Babes in the Wood: There's Hapless, and Sleazy, and Spin Doc and Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful - who likes rumpy-pumpy ...
Principled Boy: But where is the seventh? Is Dopey not here?
Sleazy: No - he's with his son flogging druggies some gear.
Principled Boy (dolefully): I thought cash for questions was stupid and rash.
But NOW we've got chaps facing questions for HASH!
Principled Boy (breaks down in tears):
Just like Sleeping Beauty ... my chances of winning
Support - have been wrecked
Omnes: ... by a prick and some spinning!
Exeunt omnes disgruntled party members, pursued by a blair. Applause from young conservatives. Lights and popularity go down. Curtains (for the Government?)
Coming Next Year! Don't miss... Gerry Adams and Mo Mowlam in the thigh- slapping, arms-swapping extravaganza, `Jack-in-the-Peace Talks' (Not suitable for children. Performance subject to last-minute change or cancellation)