THE DIARY OF BRIDGET JONES

Saturday 7 May!!!

Cigarettes 0, alcohol units 0, calories 1,800

Today is an historic and joyous day. After 18 years of trying to get down to 8st 7, I have finally achieved it - without even trying. It's no trick of the scales, but confirmed by jeans. I am thin.

There is no explanation. I have been to the gym twice in the last week, but that, though rare, is not freakish. I have eaten normally. It is a miracle. Rang up Tom, who said maybe I have a tapeworm. The way to get rid of it, he said, is to hold a bowl of warm milk and a pencil in front of my mouth, (tapeworms love warm milk), then, when the worm's head appears, wrap it carefully round the pencil. "Listen," I told him, "this tapeworm is staying." I love my tapeworm. Not only am I thin, but I no longer seem to want to smoke or glug wine.

"Are you in love?" asked Tom in a suspicious, jealous tone. He's always like this. It's not that he wants to be with me, because, obviously, he is a homosexual, but if you are single the last thing you want is your best friend forming a functional relationship with somebody else. I racked my brains then stopped, shocked by a sudden, stunning, realisation. I am not in love with Daniel anymore. Maybe that explains it.

Saturday night

Went to Jude's party tonight, clad in a tight little black dress to show off figure, feeling fantastic.

"Bridget, are you all right?" asked Sharon when I walked in. "You look really tired." "I'm fine," I said, crestfallen. "I've lost half a stone. What?"

"Nothing, no, I just, thought ... "

"What? What?"

"Maybe you've lost it a bit quickly off your ... face," she trailed off, looking at my admittedly somewhat deflated cleavage.

Simon was the same.

"Bridgiiiiiit! Have you got a fag, angel?"

"No I've given up."

"Oh blimey, no wonder you look so ... "

"What??"

"Oh nothing, nothing. Just a bit ... drawn."

It continued all evening. There's nothing worse than people telling you you look tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of sh*t. I felt so pleased with myself for not drinking but as the evening wore on, and everyone got drunker, I began to feel so calm and smug that I was even irritating myself. I kept finding myself in conversations when I actually couldn't be bothered to say a single word, and just looked on and nodded in a wise, detached manner. "Have you got any camomile tea?" I said to Jude at one point as she lurched past, hiccuping happily, at which point she collapsed into giggles, put her arm round me and fell over. I decided I'd better go home.

Once there, I got into bed, put my head on the pillow but nothing happened ... I kept putting my head in one place, then another place, but still it wouldn't go to sleep. Normally I would be snoring by now and having some sort of traumatised paranoid dream. I put the light on. It was only 11.30. Maybe I should do something, like, well, er ... mending? The phone rang. It was Tom.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I feel great. Why?"

"You just seemed, well, flat tonight. Everyone said you weren't your usual self."

"No, I was fine. Did you see how thin I am?" Silence.

"Tom?"

"I think you looked better before, hon."

Now I feel empty and bewildered - as if a rug has been pulled from under my feet. Eighteen years - wasted. Eighteen years of calorie and fat-unit based arithmetic. Eighteen years of buying long shirts and jumpers, and leaving the room backwards in intimate situations to hide my bottom. Millions of cheesecakes and tiramisus, entire packets of Emmenthal slices, left uneaten. Eighteen years of struggle, sacrifice and endeavour - for what? For nothing. I feel like a scientist who discovers that his entire life's work has been a mistake. Eighteen years and the result is "tired and flat".

Last week my mother turned up on Sunday morning in floods of tears. I wondered if her new self-perpetuating sexual power surge had collapsed like a house of cards with dad, Julio and the tax man loosing interest simultaneously. But no. She had merely been infected with "Having it All" syndrome. "I feel like the grasshopper who sang all summer," she sobbed, "and now it is the winter of my life and I haven't stored up anything of my own." I was going to point out that three potential eligible partners gagging for it, plus half the house and the pension schemes wasn't exactly nothing, but I bit my tongue. "I want a career," she said. And some horrible mean part of me felt happy and smug, because I had a career. I was a grasshopper collecting a big pile of grass, or flies, or whatever it is grasshoppers eat ready for the winter.

Today, though, she was positively blooming. "My godfathers, darling!" she said, steaming through my flat and heading for the kitchen. "Have you lost weight or something? You look dreadful. You look about 90. Anyway, guess what, darling," she said, turning, holding the kettle and dropping her eyes modestly and then looking up, beaming. "I've got a job as a TV presenter."

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
News
Dawkins: 'There’s a very interesting reason why a prince could not turn into a frog – it's statistically too improbable'
newsThat's Richard Dawkins on babies with Down Syndrome
Sport
Malky Mackay salutes the Cardiff fans after the 3-1 defeat at Liverpool on Sunday
footballFormer Cardiff boss accused of sending homophobic, racist and messages
Sport
Rodgers showered praise on Balotelli last week, which led to speculation he could sign the AC Milan front man
transfers
Life and Style
life – it's not, says Rachel McKinnon
Arts and Entertainment
Eye of the beholder? 'Concrete lasagne' Preston bus station
architectureWhich monstrosities should be nominated for the Dead Prize?
Arts and Entertainment
Arctic Monkeys headline this year's Reading and Leeds festivals, but there's a whole host of other bands to check out too
music(who aren't Arctic Monkeys)
News
Lizards, such as Iguanas (pictured), have a unique pattern of tissue growth
science
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Marketing & PR Assistant - NW London

    £15 - £17 per hour: Ashdown Group: Marketing & PR Assistant - Kentish Town are...

    Senior Network Integration/Test Engineer

    £250 - £300 per day: Orgtel: Senior Network Integration/Test Engineer Berkshir...

    Software Developer - Newcastle - £30,000 - £37,000 + benefits

    £30000 - £37000 per annum + attractive benefits: Ashdown Group: .NET Developer...

    Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £40,000: SThree: SThree Group have been well e...

    Day In a Page

    Middle East crisis: We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

    We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

    Now Obama has seen the next US reporter to be threatened with beheading, will he blink, asks Robert Fisk
    Neanderthals lived alongside humans for centuries, latest study shows

    Final resting place of our Neanderthal neighbours revealed

    Bones dated to 40,000 years ago show species may have died out in Belgium species co-existed
    Scottish independence: The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

    The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

    Scotland’s immigrants are as passionate about the future of their adopted nation as anyone else
    Britain's ugliest buildings: Which monstrosities should be nominated for the Dead Prize?

    Blight club: Britain's ugliest buildings

    Following the architect Cameron Sinclair's introduction of the Dead Prize, an award for ugly buildings, John Rentoul reflects on some of the biggest blots on the UK landscape
    eBay's enduring appeal: Online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce retailer

    eBay's enduring appeal

    The online auction site is still the UK's most popular e-commerce site
    Culture Minister Ed Vaizey: ‘lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird’

    'Lack of ethnic minority and black faces on TV is weird'

    Culture Minister Ed Vaizey calls for immediate action to address the problem
    Artist Olafur Eliasson's latest large-scale works are inspired by the paintings of JMW Turner

    Magic circles: Artist Olafur Eliasson

    Eliasson's works will go alongside a new exhibition of JMW Turner at Tate Britain. He tells Jay Merrick why the paintings of his hero are ripe for reinvention
    Josephine Dickinson: 'A cochlear implant helped me to discover a new world of sound'

    Josephine Dickinson: 'How I discovered a new world of sound'

    After going deaf as a child, musician and poet Josephine Dickinson made do with a hearing aid for five decades. Then she had a cochlear implant - and everything changed
    Greggs Google fail: Was the bakery's response to its logo mishap a stroke of marketing genius?

    Greggs gives lesson in crisis management

    After a mishap with their logo, high street staple Greggs went viral this week. But, as Simon Usborne discovers, their social media response was anything but half baked
    Matthew McConaughey has been singing the praises of bumbags (shame he doesn't know how to wear one)

    Matthew McConaughey sings the praises of bumbags

    Shame he doesn't know how to wear one. Harriet Walker explains the dos and don'ts of fanny packs
    7 best quadcopters and drones

    Flying fun: 7 best quadcopters and drones

    From state of the art devices with stabilised cameras to mini gadgets that can soar around the home, we take some flying objects for a spin
    Joey Barton: ‘I’ve been guilty of getting a bit irate’

    Joey Barton: ‘I’ve been guilty of getting a bit irate’

    The midfielder returned to the Premier League after two years last weekend. The controversial character had much to discuss after his first game back
    Andy Murray: I quit while I’m ahead too often

    Andy Murray: I quit while I’m ahead too often

    British No 1 knows his consistency as well as his fitness needs working on as he prepares for the US Open after a ‘very, very up and down’ year
    Ferguson: In the heartlands of America, a descent into madness

    A descent into madness in America's heartlands

    David Usborne arrived in Ferguson, Missouri to be greeted by a scene more redolent of Gaza and Afghanistan
    BBC’s filming of raid at Sir Cliff’s home ‘may be result of corruption’

    BBC faces corruption allegation over its Sir Cliff police raid coverage

    Reporter’s relationship with police under scrutiny as DG is summoned by MPs to explain extensive live broadcast of swoop on singer’s home