THE DIARY OF EMMA D MAY: Beetlemania

Es: 0.5 (v.good); spliffs: approx 9 (average); mushrooms: 20-30 (could do better); speed: 2 dabs (good); alcopops: 2 (good); food: 1 KitKat (Nestle - bad), 1 packet of Wrigleys (spearmint); weight: quite floaty

Sunday 12.01am Dud pill. Might as well have swallowed a paracetamol. Remark so to Anna, who mishears and produces two sticky decongestants from her bra. "Sinutab," she shouts over the music. "It's the Effudrin. Really speedy." Swallow them pointlessly with mouthful of flat coke. Anna (a Scottish lawyer with drug and alcohol dependency problem) is dancing round Adidas handbag and chewing like someone about to have jaw wired. Anna's pill is working. Fight way through sweaty dancers to chill out room and order nice cold pint. Sometimes old drugs the best.

4.50am All-night Sainsbury's. Milk, Rizla, fags, News of the World. Wild- haired Man Without Shoes running up and down pet food aisle screaming: "Where are the rawlplugs?" over and over. Dylan says he wants all-night B&Q. "Thanks," he says. "Thanks a lot."

11.30am Definitely going to sleep now.

11.31am"Pub's open," says Anna.

12.01pm Stare at Bloody Marys as if made with real blood. Mel A rings from outdoor film festival. Gunshot. "Mel? Are you all right?" "I'm fine," says Mel A, "but I think Black Beauty's dead." She says we must come immediately to watch Microcosmos.

1.15pm Northern Line. "What the fuck's Microcosmos ?" says Vikram. "French film," says Dylan, trying to cure hiccoughs by drinking out of a lemonade Hooch bottle backwards. "About insects. In a valley. The insects are like people." "Like The Fly?" Anna shakes her head. "More like David Bellamy on acid." Vikram says expression "like-something-or-other-on-acid" overused. Anna says he needs a shag.

3.20pm Microcosmos . Faces of insects unnervingly human. People shout at Dylan to sit down. "I can't," he explains. "I might be sitting on ants or spiders or little creatures. They might be hurt." People nod sympathetically. Dylan produces bag of mushrooms. Microcosmos looking better and better.

4pm A Dung-beetle, apparently gritting its teeth, fills the wide screen, pushing smooth ball of dung twice its size. Uphill. "Amazing," says Anna, who explains she can relate to DB because she once cleaned the toilets at Waterloo station. But suddenly DB topples backwards, little head over little heels, still clinging to dung burden. Collective gasp of sadness rises from crowd. A terrible celluloid moment. Worse even than Deborah Winger dying in Terms of Endearment.

4.03pm DB up again. Vikram muttering about anthropomorphism, Dylan trying to remove money spider from Vikram's hair so it doesn't get hurt.

4.05pm DB down. "Oh no!" says Dylan, loudly. But in same second DB once more scrambling to feet. "Go on!" shouts Dylan. "Go on! Go on! Go on!" DB straining, then, with sudden surge of insect energy, over the top. Crowd scramble to feet, clapping in Rocky-esque frenzy and, as we hug each other happily, we have somehow triumphed with the beetle that shifts shit for a living. "No we haven't," says Vikram. "It's just last night's E."

4.30pm Drops of rain fall in Microcosmos valley.

4.31pm Drops of rain fall in real life. It is too much. "I'm freaking," says Anna. Dylan screaming like baby. People run from field like crazed ants.

10.20pm Must go to bed. Work tomorrow. Living room trashed. No clean knickers. Fridge empty except for pot noodle lite, for fuck's sake. Tidy up, then bed.

10.24pm Key in door. Tinky-Winky, back from Brighton, just in time for last orders.

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Ashdown Group: Marketing & Sales Manager

    £40000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A reputable organisation within the leisure i...

    Tradewind Recruitment: Science Teacher

    £90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: I am currently working in partnersh...

    Recruitment Genius: Doctors - Dubai - High "Tax Free" Earnings

    £96000 - £200000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Looking for a better earning p...

    Recruitment Genius: PHP Developer

    £32000 - £36000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A rapidly expanding company in ...

    Day In a Page

    Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

    Isis hostage crisis

    The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
    Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

    The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

    Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
    Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

    Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

    Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
    Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

    Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

    This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
    Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

    Cabbage is king again

    Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
    11 best winter skin treats

    Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

    Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
    Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

    Paul Scholes column

    The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
    Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

    Frank Warren's Ringside

    No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
    Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

    Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

    The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
    Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

    Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

    Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
    Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

    Homeless Veterans appeal

    MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
    Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

    Comedians share stories of depression

    The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
    Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

    Has The Archers lost the plot?

    A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
    English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

    14 office buildings added to protected lists

    Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
    Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

    Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

    Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee