The diary of Emma D May: Return of the undead

SUNDAY 12.01am: "What is evil?" says Dylan. Great. Like we really need to get into some sort of philosophical debate when we're this much off our heads. "Margaret Thatcher is evil," I say, with a bizarre trippy rush off the pills we've all had that makes me think for a moment that she's walking through the club past me. Transpires to be someone's elderly mother, who has got lost looking for toilets. "Excuse me, dear," she says. "I'm a little lost. I came here to see my son who is a deejay of ambient house music, I believe it is called." Think of Mark Thatcher DJing and shake head to dispel image. Woman looking madly about: "Have you seen him?" I shrug. "I should try the DJ booths if I were you," I shout over the music. "There's one on every floor." Mrs T smiles benignly. "What a lovely polite girl you are. Perhaps you would escort me to the one on this floor, only I seem to keep getting so lost and it's so very hot in here." Smile sweetly at her. "Actually," I say. "We were just having a philosophical discussion about good and evil." Mrs T nods, "Yes, terrible that Mary Bell business. She ought to be outed you know. Let the vigilantes deal with her, I say..." Dylan grins as we pass him (decide on reflection that getting rid of her at the DJ booth is best option). "See you've pulled, Emma... "

12.15am: "What did that young man say to you?" Mrs T wants to know. Have to repeat everything six million times because of lethal combination of loud techno (this floor) and deaf old biddy. "He was making a joke," tell her. "Not a very funny one either." Mrs T frowns. "He needs a haircut. You should tell him. Otherwise how will he keep a job?" Try and explain that in Dylan's vocation, personal appearance is not of paramount importance. "Is he a dustman?" asks Mrs T. "No, he deals things," I say. "I always fancied life as an art dealer," she sighs. "My father wouldn't let me go to art college though. He was a grocer, you know. I suppose one can wear anything one likes if one is talented - but one should aim to keep up standards. Have a word with him, won't you?" Say yes I will and look desperately around for DJ booth. "You did say ambient house, didn't you?" I shout in the speed garage room. "Only, I can't seem to find anything that sounds anything like ambient house in the club."

2am: Luckily, just then spot Vikram. "Have you seen the ambient dance room?" shout at him. "Thank God!" shouts Mrs T, clutching at Vikram's arm. "A waiter! Be a dear boy and get me a glass of water... " Vikram looks amused. "Sorry!" he exclaims, "but I don't speak any English thank you." Mrs T is horrified. "Why do they bother to come and live in this country if they won't learn the language?" Try telling her he's got First in English Language and Literature, but she won't listen. Want to just dump her there in the middle of dance floor but she is v. old and what if she collapses from dehydration and exhaustion...

2.10am: Am dragging her towards bar where can get her bottle of Evian and leave her to sort herself out when hear gentle strains of ambient house coming from next floor up. "Come on!" I tell her. Drag her upstairs where, bizarrely, several sheiks are sipping Evian in air-conditioned luxury. Push past sign saying "Private Party". An easily recognisable Mark Thatcher in beige suit is leaning against door with a sozzled older man. "Margaret!" he exclaims. "Where on earth have you been! The security men are looking everywhere for you!" "You silly old fool!" she hisses, suddenly. "How could you leave me like that! It is Babylon down there. Young people on drugs, men kissing each other, Pakistanis, terrible loud music as if Armageddon were approaching! And as for you... " she turns to me, nastily. "Who in God's name are you!" I look at her. "But, we're your children," I tell her. "You created us. We're all Thatcher's children."

Suggested Topics
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Sport
David Moyes gets soaked
sport Moyes becomes latest manager to take part in the ALS challenge
Life and Style
techCould new invention save millions in healthcare bills?
News
peopleEnglishman managed quintessential Hollywood restaurant Chasen's
Life and Style
food + drinkHarrods launches gourmet food qualification for staff
Arts and Entertainment
Michael Flatley prepares to bid farewell to the West End stage
danceMichael Flatley hits West End for last time alongside Team GB World champion Alice Upcott
News
Members and supporters of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community walk with a rainbow flag during a rally in July
i100
Voices
Mosul dam was retaken with the help of the US
voicesRobert Fisk: Barack Obama is following the jihadists’ script
Life and Style
Black Ivory Coffee is made using beans plucked from elephants' waste after ingested by the animals
food + drinkFirm says it has created the "rarest" coffee in the world
Arts and Entertainment
Jamie T plays live in 2007 before going on hiatus from 2010
arts + entsSinger-songwriter will perform on the Festival Republic Stage
Life and Style
food + drinkThese simple recipes will have you refreshed within minutes
News
Jermain Defoe got loads of custard
i100
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Business Analyst - Banking - London - £550 - £650

    £550 - £650 per day: Orgtel: Business Analyst - Traded Credit Risk - Investmen...

    Data Insight Manager - Marketing

    £32000 - £35000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client based o...

    Data Centre Engineer - Linux, Redhat, Solaris, SAN, Puppet

    £55000 per annum: Harrington Starr: A financial software vendor at the forefro...

    .NET Developer

    £600 per day: Harrington Starr: .NET Developer C#, WPF,BLL, MSMQ, SQL, GIT, SQ...

    Day In a Page

    All this talk of an ‘apocalyptic’ threat is simply childish

    Robert Fisk: All this talk of an ‘apocalyptic’ threat is simply childish

    Chuck Hagel and Martin Dempsey were pure Hollywood. They only needed Tom Cruise
    Mafia Dons: is the Camorra in control of the Granite City?

    Mafia Dons: is the Camorra in control of the Granite City?

    So claims an EU report which points to the Italian Mob’s alleged grip on everything from public works to property
    Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw

    Emmys look set to overhaul the Oscars as Hollywood’s prize draw

    Once the poor relation, the awards show now has the top stars and boasts the best drama
    French connection: After 1,300 years, there’s a bridge to Mont Saint-Michel

    French connection: After 1,300 years, there’s a bridge to Mont Saint-Michel

    The ugly causeway is being dismantled, an elegant connection erected in its place. So everyone’s happy, right?
    Radio 1 to hire 'YouTube-famous' vloggers to broadcast online

    Radio 1’s new top ten

    The ‘vloggers’ signed up to find twentysomething audience
    David Abraham: Big ideas for the small screen

    David Abraham: Big ideas for the small screen

    A blistering attack on US influence on British television has lifted the savvy head of Channel 4 out of the shadows
    Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

    Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

    The President came the nearest he has come yet to rivalling George W Bush’s gormless reaction to 9/11 , says Robert Fisk
    Ebola outbreak: Billy Graham’s son declares righteous war on the virus

    Billy Graham’s son declares righteous war on Ebola

    A Christian charity’s efforts to save missionaries trapped in Africa by the crisis have been justifiably praised. But doubts remain about its evangelical motives
    Jeremy Clarkson 'does not see a problem' with his racist language on Top Gear, says BBC

    Not even Jeremy Clarkson is bigger than the BBC, says TV boss

    Corporation’s head of television confirms ‘Top Gear’ host was warned about racist language
    Nick Clegg the movie: Channel 4 to air Coalition drama showing Lib Dem leader's rise

    Nick Clegg the movie

    Channel 4 to air Coalition drama showing Lib Dem leader's rise
    Philip Larkin: Misogynist, racist, miserable? Or caring, playful man who lived for others?

    Philip Larkin: What will survive of him?

    Larkin's reputation has taken a knocking. But a new book by James Booth argues that the poet was affectionate, witty, entertaining and kind, as hitherto unseen letters, sketches and 'selfies' reveal
    Madame Tussauds has shown off its Beyoncé waxwork in Regent's Park - but why is the tourist attraction still pulling in the crowds?

    Waxing lyrical

    Madame Tussauds has shown off its Beyoncé waxwork in Regent's Park - but why is the tourist attraction still pulling in the crowds?
    Texas forensic astronomer finally pinpoints the exact birth of impressionism

    Revealed (to the minute)

    The precise time when impressionism was born
    From slow-roasted to sugar-cured: how to make the most of the British tomato season

    Make the most of British tomatoes

    The British crop is at its tastiest and most abundant. Sudi Pigott shares her favourite recipes
    10 best men's skincare products

    Face it: 10 best men's skincare products

    Oscar Quine cleanses, tones and moisturises to find skin-savers blokes will be proud to display on the bathroom shelf