What's hot, what's cold, what's good, what's bad - Fashion Fandango brings you the latest from the glamorous (I think not) world of fashion
2 I Have been incredibly busy this week painting my rather stumpy fingernails different colours. Well, when something has been sent to you it would be rude not to try it. The Collection 2000 range has 12 new colours for summer, aptly named purple rain, coral reef, seacrest, lilac frost... tingy tangy shades to spice up your summer, pounds 1.19 from Superdrug. I'll just wait for them to dry before I continue...

2 Hysteric Glamour, the clubby label whose tops, etc, have four-letter words printed on them, have got Hip, the funky designer shop in Leeds, into a spot of bother with the law. A dear old lady outraged by a T-shirt displayed in the window which read f**k, swiftly reported the shop for stocking obscene garments. In swooped the police and confiscated the offensive item. Gives fashion police a whole new meaning.

2 I have come to the conclusion that Calvin Klein is taking over the world. Not only must we put up with his ads in every mag and on every mode of transport, it's now impossible to buy a simple bus ticket without some cK ad on it. I will obey you! I am a Dalek!

2 I was trotting down Oxford Street last week, admiring the sumptuous furnishings in Selfridges' windows - all Seventies-inspired lounges, very nice - when I realised they had installed a young lass to lounge on a furry rug, read, eat bickies, watch TV and do what you usually do when your slobbing out at home (I suppose). Great idea, but she looked rather... embarrassed and altogether uncomfy. I guess it's difficult when there are hundreds of Japanese tourists boggling at you.

2 Went to the very exciting Alberta Ferretti shop opening last week. Definitely one of the most chi chi affairs I've been to in a long time (maybe because I only venture out every second Tuesday of every third month). Met the sensational Michelle Gayle and her boyf, footballer Mark Bright. All the girls about town were out in force, Dani Behr, Meg Matthews- Gallagher etc. My evening was made by an inquisitive American tourist outside the shop who wanted to know who the blonde girlies were. "Dani TV person and Meg Oasis person," I explained. "Oasis?" she said. "Who are they?"

2 Spotted the Godfather of jungle, gold-teeth Goldie at the over-priced Met bar. He looked as lost as I felt. Don't worry, sweetie, I still believe jungle is massive.

2 Roses grow on you - Sportmax have made the most exquisite rose-print separates this summer. Silk palazzo pants, cowl-neck tops and knee-length skirts. Perfect for running through dewy summer meadows with your Timotei hair! From MaxMara, 32 Sloane Street, London SW1. Prices from pounds 100.

2 Oh, nearly forgot, Joseph - he of sloppy joe and perfect-pair-of- hipsters fame - is to relaunch his Parfum de Jour. It started as his "little joke" (and we're still laughing) in 1985. Now, 12 years on, Joseph is throwing out the old black Eighties bottle and introducing a new, screen- printed, glass bottle. Still as "confidential and addictive as ever", Parfum de Jour is "an invitation to discover one of Joseph's most intimate and best-kept secrets". ("Hello. I've been invited to discover one of Joseph's most intimate and best-kept secrets, please.") It does smell fab, honest. From pounds 33, available from May at Joseph stores worldwide(!).